Yesterday, while the children were napping, I turned on a four o’clock news program. The anchor began talking about the book Fifty Shades of Grey and how it (or maybe the trilogy) is about to reach the twenty-million-dollar sales mark. He began a monologue about what that says about the true state of our economy. I didn’t exactly know what he was talking about, as I have not read the books and, until yesterday, I did not even know the plot.
The news anchor was clearly not happy about that much money being spent on “that type” of book, and he brought on an expert psychologist to explain why women read this book and others like it. This “expert” could not have said more harmful things to married women and couples.
She first began by explaining a little of the book’s plot, which the host had not. If you are unaware, the book is apparently an erotic type of book that describes sex that is sadistic in nature. To be clear, I have not personally read the books, so perhaps I am mistaken, but the “expert” on the news referred to it as mommy porn, which is a bright red flag to me. She explained how all these women don’t feel loved in their marriage, and so they are going to the book to meet their needs. She claimed this was a good thing to do!! (WHAT?!) She said men are so tired and don’t pay attention to or look at their wives, and the ladies need books like these to fulfill them. She claimed that it helps them feel sexual and pretty, which is beneficial for them and their partner. She said if you see your wife reading this book, you should be proud of her and perhaps ask her to show you what she wants done from the book. She pointed out that the sales mean there isn’t a lot of sex going on inside the home and that in order to help that, couples should watch or read porn together.
She said a lot of other things, but I didn’t catch all of it because I was so angry and saddened by the things she had already said.
I want to refute what she said about pornography being beneficial and talk about a conversation I had with Jason about this Fifty Shades of Grey book. Before I do, I must clarify that my convictions come from the Bible. I consider myself a Christian and strive to live according to the Bible. So, if you happen to be reading this and you aren’t a Christian or don’t align yourself with what the Word of God says, then you will think I’m crazy or I’m blowing things out of proportion. And that’s okay, because you are welcome to think and believe whatever you want, but here are my thoughts based on my faith.
Married or single, pornography is never, ever beneficial.
Instead, it is destructive. It adds a third person to your marriage. It opens the door for deadly comparisons. It takes the holiness out of sex. It devalues men, women, and marital sex. It is based on lust and selfish needs. It is adultery and in every way it displeases the Lord. To say that it is beneficial to marriages is a complete lie; in reality, it destroys marriages and families and fuels addictions. Pornography doesn’t have to be just visual, but it very well can be in written form, the category Fifty Shades seems to fall under. It doesn’t have to reach a certain extreme to be considered destructive. Pornography can be in movies, TV, and even mainstream commercials.
In our marriage, we avoid movies or TV shows that have nudity or sex scenes and conversations in them, because we have made a commitment not to expose ourselves to anything that might hinder the sex life God wants us to have. We also have strong Internet filters on our computers and phones. This is for our protection and our children’s protection. We are trying to be diligent about guarding our eyes and ears from anything that hinders the pure and incredible gift of sex. We truly view sex as a gift.
And I have to say, as a married woman who believes sex should only take place within the context of wedding vows, I was insulted by this woman’s condescending remarks about sex within marriage. Her description is not the case in our house. For my husband and me it is fulfilling, meaningful, satisfying, and pretty much amazing. It is based on an expression of love and commitment rather than selfish needs. It is only between us. It is a renewal of our wedding vows, but it requires a lot of communication, work, and prayer–lots and lots of prayer.
This post isn’t about how to have a great sex life without pornography (although I do believe a healthy sex life is such an important part of a marriage and a wife’s ministry to her husband). I do want to make sure that I encourage Christ-following couples, and especially women, to be on their guard and protect their eyes and ears and minds from intruders in the bedroom. This book and many other sources of “entertainment” like Magic Mike or even Twilight would seem to be intruders.
Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
God isn’t some prude who doesn’t want fun and creativity in the bedroom. He created sex. He knows all about it, and he knows that heartache and destruction come when we venture outside his guidelines. So prayerfully consider ways to keep your mind, heart, and body pure for your husband or future husband. It will pay off with incredible blessings—this I can promise you.
Now on to my next point regarding Fifty Shades of Grey:
If you have read it (or anything like it) please be cautious who you talk about this book with and where you are. Last night, after the kids went to bed and I was with my husband, I brought up the news program I’d seen. I started by asking him if he had ever heard of the book Fifty Shades of Grey. He said he had and that a lot of the ladies at work talk about it. He said many of them have it on their e-readers, where they can reference and quote the book as they discuss plot and details. And though his coworkers aren’t talking to him about it, they are discussing it within earshot of his desk.
At first, I was a little mad that these women would be talking about this book near my husband, but then I felt a burden to pray for him. The particular conversation he overheard has not proven to be much of a stumbling block to him, but yesterday was not the first time he has told me about conversations he’s overheard. He’s mentioned others, in the past, in which words spoken (not to him but around him) became a struggle to keep out of his mind. I appreciate his honesty and understand his struggle, but I stay home with our children and I have forgotten the intensity of the battlefield that this world can be at times.
I need to be much more aggressive in my prayers for his ears and mind to be protected while he is out in the world. I pray that he will continue to be a man of integrity who can stand up for marriage when needed. I also pray that he will be a light in the darkness of this world. I am so thankful that he makes choices to be on guard against lustful and evil thoughts, but none of us are above temptations. And who can’t use more prayers in this area?!
This has also made me think a lot about women and how we chat with each other about almost anything when we are together. I know that I don’t always take into consideration who is around me or what they might be able to overhear. I would never want to say anything (no matter how innocent my intentions) that might place a mental image or thought into someone’s head. I don’t want to talk about a book or a movie unless it is pure and uplifting. I don’t want to say, “I need to purchase a new bra on my way home,” when I’m out to lunch with a friend, because my waiter might be in earshot, and who knows what images that might send into his head (not even about me, but perhaps about the steamy commercial he saw the night before).
We not only need to pray for our husbands (and sons!) to guard their eyes and their ears, but we need to guard ours and be careful of the words that come out of our mouths—we never know who might be in earshot.
I apologize if this post was too lengthy or preachy! Getting off my soap box now… 🙂
Photo Credit: Intruder photo Photo Credit: Gift photo
Flossie says
Interesting…Shawn actually bought this book for me. Neither of us knew what it was about. He had heard several women @ work talking about it & thought I’d like something to read while feeding the baby. I haven’t started it yet. Will probably take it back now. Thanks for the heads up.
Darby Dugger says
Ah, well that was sweet of Shawn to buy you a book! 🙂
Julie says
Gross!
Thanks for getting the truth out there! I believe the same way as you do in all of this!
Darby Dugger says
Gross and sad. Thanks..
createdtobebeautiful.com says
Perfectly stated, Darby… especially on this very controversial subject! 🙂
Darby Dugger says
Thank you!
Heather McBurney says
Wonderfully stated. As a wife who has a husband that struggles deeply with pornography and lust I know all too well the destructiveness of it. While the world sees it as something to “help” in the bedroom all it truly does is put a wedge between you and bring about unmet expectations.
Darby Dugger says
Thank you for sharing and for agreeing. I think couples, in the church or not, need to know how it truly does hinder and never, ever helps. Thank you!
Melissa @ A Virtuous Woman says
Loved this. You are so right! Pornography is always destructive. Great post!
darbyd says
Thank you! Appreciate your kind words!
Rebekah says
I don’t think you should blog about a book you haven’t even read. I also am a strong Christian. I was raised in a Southern Baptist household and was the daughter of a prominent minister. I have been married for 12 years(together for 15) and although I do not usually read erotica, I have read all of these books. I disagree with several of these points. I think if you are reading these in order to get turned on or because your marriage is struggling to provide you adequate satisfaction/attention then you’ve got a problem. However, I think sex is great and a bit of kinky sex is really great! Too many “good church girls” are raised with the mentality that “good girls don’t”. Don’t do various sexual acts or are not willing to be creative within their marriage bed. I adore my husband and think that sex should be discussed at length and evolve as two people grow and mature. I bet the same women that are afraid of their husbands hearing other women discuss this book are also the type less likely to be sexually adventurous. I bet they don’t go to sex toy shops or strip for their husbands either. We don’t require outside stimulus for arousal. We love each other, date each other, maintain our bodies, and ultimately want to please each other fully. However, some the specific acts discussed in these books gave me great ideas for our own sex life. I also own a Kama sutra book full of creative ideas. There is a lot of sex within these novels that is not sadist in nature but it sounds like you are opposed to all detailed descriptions or projections of sex. Are you so great in bed that you have no room for improvement? We do not watch pornography regularly though we have rented the occasional movie when having a hotel stay. I generally abstain from this because I worry for the girls in the films. I worry about whether they are trafficking victims and find their fake orgasms to be ridiculous. I am not intimidated by these films, those girls have nothing on me. There is nothing that they are doing that I won’t (for the most part) do for my man. I don’t think that they are better looking than I am. I think the simple act of discussing sex is a turn on…let alone watching sex or reading about sex. I don’t think these types of activities as detrimental as long as they are occasional and not necessary for sexual interaction. I believe that what makes my sex life amazing is the love that we have for the Lord, each other, and our ability to communicate. I tell all my friends that are getting married to remain open minded. I say, “You are going to be together for the rest of your life…your goal is to please each other as much as possible.”
tracy says
I am sorry, but I am thoroughly insulted by this response. To say that she should not blog about a book that she has not read, and then make a blanket statement like “I bet the same women that are afraid of their husbands hearing other women discuss this book are also the type less likely to be sexually adventurous. I bet they don’t go to sex toy shops or strip for their husbands either.” is like the pot calling the kettle black. I would not want my husband within earshot of another woman’s sexual fantasy, or details of this book. Satan is like a lion waiting to seek and devour, why would I want my husband tempted to think unpure thoughts of other women? I do not think a wife who is protective of her intimate relationship with her husband, to the point that she does not want others filthy thoughts entering their bedroom, means that they are “unadventurous” We are treating our marriage bed as a sacred place that God has given to us. Philippians 4:8 tells us: “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” Reading, thinking or watching another woman’s sexual encounters with another man is in NO WAY pure. That is something to be shared between 2 people who have become 1, not for the world to witness. Not to mention, these shows, novels, etc are not promoting marriage, they are promoting fornication – the pornography actors are NOT MARRIED and watching it is supporting it, and how in the world can you even begin to justify that God is ok with that?
darbyd says
Thank you, Tracy!
tracy says
Thank YOU Darby for helping to hold us accountable to our husbands but mainly to God. Love your blog! We need to stand and be the women of faith God has called us to be, compromising with the world’s standards is the downfall of the christian families. We need to let God direct our paths, even if that means others seeing us as radical, prudes or unadventurous.
On another note, I am quite certain that my husband would not want other men to hear of my fantasies or our bedroom activities, I think of how embarrassing that would be to him, my duty as his wife is to bring honor to him, not shame. If it causes others to think I am unadventurous than I am absolutely fine with that
Susana says
Wow! I am so glad I stumbled upon this site! I completely agree with the post and what Tracy responded to that “Christian” woman who endorses the book ans pornography!
I’m so glad I have Godly women I can look up to and keep me learning great ways on how to be a good wife and new mother.
Thanks!!!!
darbyd says
Thank you, Susana! I appreciate your kind words. I am right there with you learning how to be a Godly wife while being a young mother. 🙂 Congrats on your new baby!
Melissa says
I can attest to how damaging these things are to a wonderful Christ Centered marriage of almost 22 years. It is so true that Satan is waiting to devour and destroy our marriages the first chance he gets. In your post “Thoughts are Powerful” you mention how Jesus explains the power of our thoughts when he equates hate with murder and lust with adultery(Matthew 5:21-28). My husband and I had a particularly difficult year, being the first year as “empty nesters”, business issues, health issues, caring for parents and other things that are just a part of married life. We have always overcome many very large difficulties in our married life as a very united, committed married couple and very much in love. We have raised to amazing children that are both in college now and are doing well. We were the couple that everyone wondered what we had that made us so happy together for all these years, despite the difficulties. At some point, Satan began whispering lies into my husband’s ear and turning his heart away from our marriage and yet I was totally unaware of this because we were so busy dealing with some major issues at the time. I also trusted my husband so completely because we had a covenant marriage, one that we promised we would be together and only with each other, till death do us part. Because of menopause and some issues adjusting to both of my children going off to college one year after the next, and finding the empty nest being very lonely, I was not “performing” sexually as much as my husband thought I should be or up to the standard he thought I should. He allowed Satan to change his thoughts of purity and love to lust and feeling of selfishness and and that he was unappreciated and unloved and that he “deserved happiness”. Now sex = intimacy and love after all the amazing years together. My husband started up a relationship with another woman that first started out with just talking, but then went further. I fortunately found out about it pretty early on but the damage was done. Don’t ever think that this can’t happen to you, because it can if it happened to our marriage and it has been the most devastating, heart breaking thing I have ever endured. My husband and I have been working very hard at putting our marriage back together and it has been very hard to forgive him. I spend most every minute of every day wondering what I did wrong and how this could have happened to the most beautiful marriage that I know God had surely blessed. I had a wonderful husband and I was a devoted, loving mother and wife. DO NOT let this garbage enter your marriage. Definitely pay attention to each others needs and treasure and adore each other for the gift that you are from God. Pray everyday that God will protect your husbands’ eyes, ears, and hearts from Satan and from those other women out there that don’t care that he is a married man.
darbyd says
Thank you for sharing your painful story, Melissa. I am sorry for all that you have been through and I will be praying for you and your husband as you try to rebuild. Your testimony will be a light to so many others. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing.
Melissa says
Thank you for your prayers. I have always been a very strong, can do it all kind of woman but this has brought me to my knees…literally. I constantly ask God why, what lesson does he want me to get out if this. The only thing I keep coming back to is that I had to turn to God and depend on Him and His power, grace, & mercy in order to somehow find a way to work through the anger & hurt and find a way to forgive my husband for what always was the one thing I had said in the past, I would NEVER forgive. I guess once again, never say never. I know God brought me & my husband together 23+ years ago and He has a purpose for our lives and marriage. He has guided our paths all these years so I have to have faith that He will make something good of this horrible time in our lives. For any of your readers, I hope they can learn from my painful experience and be sure to fight fiercely for your marriage because Satan is definitely trying to destroy what God has brought together & loves.
darbyd says
I will heed your warnings! Thanks again for sharing your story. I know it will be a blessing to many… myself included. Fighting with you on my knees!
L says
I am a Christian woman, and I have read all 3 books. I NEVER read them in attempt to lust, fantasize, or become aroused. I read them because there was so much hype, and I was curious. I ended up finding them very entertaining, although of course I did not agree with everything going on, such as sex outside of marriage. To me, reading these books is no worse than watching an R rated movie (which I don’t frown upon either). It all depends on how you handle it. If you are at all tempted by “erotic” material, then obviously you should not be reading something like this! Not every woman who reads 50 Shades is being inappropriate with her thoughts. My fiance knew I was reading this and wasn’t bothered by it because he knows I would never lust after another man or use a book to give me lustful thoughts. Thank you for posting your opinion though. It is interesting to see the different sides.
darbyd says
Hi L. Thank you for kindness despite your disagreement. I will just caution you that you, from one Christian to another, to be constantly “on guard” — when we use phrases such as “I would never lust…” then we aren’t clinging to 1 Corinthians 10:12 that says, “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall.” I have had many, godly couples struggle with issues they never thought were issues for them because they didn’t have safeguards up in place. 50 Shades of Grey aside, it is important to err on the side of safety in marriage than to 15 years up the road find Satan has worked his way in. I am not saying this will happen to you, but this is advice I give myself and give to friends about ANY temptation- not just sexual. Thanks for commenting.
Tera says
I would also like to respectfully disagree for my personal situation. I read these books due to curiosity. I am a Christian. I read a lot, and read books that may or may not contain sex scenes and don’t fantasize about the characters at all. I think we all tend to judge one another too easily. What works for one couple in the bedroom doesn’t work for all. More buzz is made about this book because its considered so taboo…if we all calmed down and see it for what it is (fan fiction) it would not have enjoyed such popularity. I applaud your relationship with your husband for being so communicative.
darbyd says
Hi Tera. Thanks for commenting. I certainly didn’t meant to judge anyone so I am sorry if it came across that way. I do appreciate your kind disagreement and for your kind words regarding my marriage. Communication isn’t always a strong suit for us, but we are daily working at it. 🙂
Stephanie says
After reading these last three comments, I think that the young ladies don’t quite understand that what Mrs. Darby has written in her article about is response to the newscast, not the book.
Secondly if something is wrong , it doesn’t matter if you have a good motive to do it. Your motive only comes into play when you are doing the right thing. Its never right to do wrong in order to do the right thing.
Basically you are confirming what mrs Darby got upset about, that people are using these books to get ideas about sex, its a promotion of pornography, visually or written. They are justifying going to junk to help you in your marriage.
The Bible says ,Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
America glorifies sex, but the Bible does not. The Bible describe the marriage bed as undefiled.
Also, we are not to involve ourselves in things that promote sin in order to bring enjoyment to our life. The books do not promote marriage , but adulter, asex, fornication. Romans 1:32 Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.
And one does not need to try something or for example read the book to know that it is bad. You don’t have to eat garbageto know that it will make you sick.
tracy says
I should have read your comment before posting my reply above, you pretty much had already covered everything I said. <3
darbyd says
Thank you, Stephanie!
Ham says
I can understand and respect your reluctance to read the three books of this series. However, posting a critique of them based upon hearsay or your imagination is wrong. Yes, there is a lot of sex in them, but most of it happens after the two protagonists are married. In fact, the essence of the story is that a man, Christian Grey, who is messed up due to his drug-addicted mother is redeemed by the love and the caring of a good woman, Anastasia Steele. Although unbelievably wealthy, Christian believes himself to be unlovable and hides behind a shield of dominance. Guileless Anastasia pierces the shell and manages to rescue the man, which is actually rather Biblical, sort of like Gomer and Hosea in reverse roles. Believers especially should be careful of condemning things without firsthand knowledge; it does not serve us well in the arena of truth.