Over the weekend, our church offered a participatory element during their normal worship service. The sermon’s focus had defined what being “poor in spirit” means and why Jesus would consider that a blessing (Matthew 5:3). The point was made that we aren’t truly poor in spirit until we become so desperate that we resign from trying on our own and ask God to fully take over. The hour concluded with an invitation for the worshipers to come forward, write out an area in which they need God’s help, and then ring a bell (to symbolize asking for assistance).
The sermon had been powerful, the worship music, inspiring, and the atmosphere, responsive. The Holy Spirit revealed to me that I was trying to parent in my own might. I needed to shout out from the rooftops that I can’t be a godly mother until I stop trying to be one in my own strength. Instead, I need to simply allow God to work through me as I admit that I can’t do this parenting thing correctly. I was convicted to walk forward, write that down, and ring the bell.
Despite my conviction, my feet remained planted. Self-conscious to go forward, I desired my husband to make the first move. I rationalized that as the spiritual head of our house, he should be the one to initiate our participation.
We sang one song… Then another… I remained waiting.I began to wonder what kept my husband from walking forward. Surely he had an area (or two) where he needed to become poor in spirit?! The longer I waited, the more my thoughts moved off of the Lord and dwelt on my husband. I began making a list of areas where, I thought, he should ring the bell for assistance. I quickly became upset with him and wondered why was he being so stubborn.
The Lord grabbed my attention and said, “I’m not asking Jason to walk forward – I’m asking you. Take your eyes off of him and put them on Me.”
I (finally) obeyed. I walked down front, filled out my card, and rang the bell. I made a public demonstration of my helplessness. When I arrived back at my seat, my husband took my hand and we remained that way until church let out.
Sadly, I was distracted the rest of the morning. My husband is a godly man, a deacon at our church, yet my thoughts quickly spiraled out of control. In a span of .2 seconds my thoughts went something like this, “The only reason for him not to go forward is that he is holding something back. Perhaps he is running from the Lord. I mean, who doesn’t need to walk forward and declare that they are at their wits end of trying in their own strength?! Something must be wrong!”
Isn’t it sad that those were my thoughts!
I had let go of the vertical to fixate on the horizontal.
I abandoned the Lord during what was a holy moment between me and my Creator. My thoughts were racing about all the “what ifs” when conviction fell. I was in the wrong because:
- I had put off obeying God. No matter what God asks of me, I need to obey right away. He asked me to walk down front, but instead of obeying I hesitated, thus I disobeyed. Let me clarify, I firmly believe that the husband should be the spiritual leader of the home and the wife should be submissive to him! Yet, my waiting for Jason wasn’t necessarily to honor that role as much as it was me being too prideful to go alone.
- Scripture tells us to take every thought captive in order to make it obedient to Christ. I did not do that. I allowed my thoughts to take me captive as I focused on this imaginary rebellion within in my husband’s spirit. I missed out on an incredible moment with God because I chose not to reign in my thoughts.
- I thought the Holy Spirit needed my help. As a wife, I get a front row seat to view my husband’s sinful nature. Yet, rather than leaving conviction up to the Spirit – I took it upon myself to mentally make a list of areas I thought he could use God’s help. While I never verbalized this list – the very fact that I had conjured it up was inappropriate.
- I presumed to know exactly how the Lord was leading my husband. I figured that He was telling Jason to walk down front too. However, upon reflection, I have no doubt that my husband was having a moment with the Lord. Jason responded to the sermon as the Lord directed him (which, in real life, looked different than what I had assumed). My husband was not worried about what others were thinking because his allegiance is to God alone (I desperately need his example of this in my life!).
- I didn’t communicate with my husband. If I wanted him to walk down with me – I should have asked him. If I had expressed my desire to go forward (and my embarrassment to go alone) … none of the above mistakes would have happened! My husband would have gladly joined me if he had known that is what I wanted.
I was upset with my husband for his pride and stubbornness when really it was my pride and stubbornness that caused the imaginary conflict to begin with. I thought God had brought me to a point where I was “poor in spirit” regarding my parenting, but actually it goes far beyond that. Parenting, yes, but I’m also poor in spirit regarding: marriage, being an excellent wife, my thought life, my discernment, my communication skills, and my pride. I can’t be the wife I want to be in my own strength — heck, I can’t even make it through a church service without getting in the way! With that said, I hereby publicly ring the bell. I am stepping back with my hands raised — begging the Lord to take over.
Blessed are the {wives who are} poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. ~Matthew 5:3
Second photo credit: MyDoorSign.com
Crystal @ Serving Joyfully says
Thank you so much for sharing. I have many of those moments as well. I can only pray that God continues to humble my spirit.
darbyd says
Thanks for reading and commenting. Yes, I certainly need a more humble spirit. I sort of marvel at this post because I originally planned to have the post focus on the vertical vs. horizontal relationship and how often we let go of God to focus on our husband. But as I started writing, the Lord asked me to take it in this direction… humbling. ha. 🙂
Barbara Isaac says
So often I too have thought the Holy Spirit needed my help, and that I knew better… I am so thankful for my Lord’s mercy and gentle leading over the years, and I know that I can trust Him to continue the work in me. Thank you for such a good and transparent blog post.
darbyd says
Thank you for your kind words and for reading! Glad to have connected!
debbie t says
oh wow. i can TOTALLY relate to this on a daily basis. argh. ouch. thank you.
darbyd says
Thanks, Debbie, for understanding! So glad you commented.
Lins says
I herby publicly ring the bell with you, too, as I seem to most days.
darbyd says
Ah, Lins… I love you! Welcome to the bell ringer club! 🙂
Crystal Green says
Darby,
This is such a humbling post that you’ve written. I know it probably took a lot to write it all out loud too. Who wants to admit to the world that they’ve been humbled by God?
Yet, this is a post that many people, myself included, can really relate to. We can relate to it because we let pride stand in our way quite often. I know I do it more than I should.
Everyone’s walk with God is different and personal. God uses us all (if we let them) in our own special unique ways. I firmly believe God is going to use you in more ways than even you can imagine. 🙂
darbyd says
Thank you so much! Your words are so encouraging to me. I do pray God will use my mess to glorify Himself… I appreciate your kindness towards me.