I heard my husband’s phone chime alerting an outgoing text. He told me that our local grocery store is offering a trip to the final four, but you had to text to enter. I scoffed, rolled my eyes, and in a very annoyed tone asked him if he had won.
As we were leaving the crowded restaurant, my husband edged the car forward in order to get towards the front of the exit line. I told him he should go the long way around and wait like everyone else. When he didn’t listen, I called his actions, “un-Christ-like.”
I waved a responsive hello to our friends who were across the street. I elbowed Jason to get him to wave at them too, but he thought they were waving to someone else nearby. I insisted they were looking at us and he laughed and disagreed. I was embarrassed and indigent. As he tried to put his arm around me, I shivered it away as I mumbled, “Don’t touch me.”
Would you believe all of those examples happened in the past 24 hours?
Well, they did.
For the past week, everything my husband has said or done has seemed wrong. Because of my bad attitude, the poor man can’t win no matter how hard he tries. I am in serious need of a dose of joy (and respect). As I lay my head down at night, I keep thinking, “Tomorrow has to be better. I can’t be grouchy at him again.” But the next day comes, and I find myself just as cynical as the day before.
When my husband annoys me, I usually laugh it off, but this time I’m snarky. Normally when I’m frustrated or feeling misunderstood I sulk, but this time I’m fuming. In fact, the sad truth is I can only think of one conversation we have had in the past five days where we communicated well. My self-righteousness would inform you the reason is that my husband didn’t listen to my words or said something hurtful. Reality is, however, that Jason has been doing everything right. My attitude is so hostile that I have found something to gripe about amidst his textbook perfection.
- Could it be hormones? Perhaps my body is still trying to balance back out six months after giving birth!
- Could it be exhaustion? Having five children in five years means I rarely sleep through the night.
- Could it be stress? I am overwhelmed by my schedule, the children’s activities and our lengthy “to-do” list.
While those triggers might be playing a small role in my mood, I honestly believe the majority of my funk is spiritual. I could try to pull an Eve and blame Satan, but I can only blame myself. I diligently try to be a Proverbs 31 woman, but I do so in my own strength. I assume that because I pray for my husband and am active in marriage ministry, I should automatically be a good wife and naturally respond exactly how the ultimate Christian woman should. I’m learning, through this exhaustion, that the harder I try to be the wife God is calling me to be the farther away from that woman I seem to become. Because without inviting Christ to come alongside me for each step, each thought, each word and each deed… I am floundering around on my own.
It’s like owning the perfect car! You work hard to keep it spotlessly clean on the inside and out. Every spare minute you are making sure the oil is full, the tires rotated, and the battery charged. However, you never stop your toil to put fuel in the car which ultimately renders your vehicle useless. While your car looks wonderful and offers so much potential, it is missing a key ingredient to getting it revving. That is my wife-life without Christ. I can intellectually know what to do, and my heart’s desire is to be a wife who brings her husband good all the days of his life (Proverbs 3:12). I daily have internal pep talks about getting over myself and my poor (unmerited) attitude. But, when I’m trying to accomplish that lifestyle on my own it is no different than trying to drive the car without any fuel. I want more grace and joy but have not been tapping into the Source!
I have become lackadaisical in my relationship with Christ.
There was a time when we were financially strapped causing us to be much more prayerful about our finances. In this current season, however, I’m not relying on for Christ for my daily bread because I can buy it for myself at the store. When my husband’s job relocated us away from our family and friends, I found myself incredibly lonely. Today, however, with a social calendar fuller than it has ever been, it is sad to admit that Christ is no longer my chief confidant. Our marriage has gone through a couple of seasons that were incredibly hard and painful. During those times, I was constantly begging Christ to perform a miracle, speak into my life, and to be our strength. We haven’t been in a tough position for quite a while so gradually (and without intention) I have let go of my desperation of Jesus and am merely coasting in my relationship with him.
My zeal-less faith is affecting my marriage!
I must break out of my safe and comfortable relationship with the Savior so that I’m radically challenged to live with less pride and more self-control. I desire to experience the inexpressible joy that comes from spending quality time with him rather than wasting my time doing for him. I must daily hunger and thirst after the very presence of Christ rather than take his company for granted.
I cannot be the wife I want to be — the wife God has called me to be — without more of Jesus.
That’s what has been going on with me! How are things in your life?
Linking up with Wedded Wednesday.