Expectations are like a thief.
My oldest daughter, Havana, turns seven next week!
At our house, we call birthday celebrations, “birthday festivals” because I love to celebrate over an extended period. This year, my daughter expressed interest in having a party at the dance studio where she takes ballet. We agreed, but her contentment with the dance party didn’t last long. She began coming home from school talking about a magic show that she and her friends came up with to perform at the party. I kept reminding her that we were having a dance party and not a magic party, but my gentle reminders went unheard. She continued to plan additional components to her party that grew more and more extravagant. She had a list of desired actives that were unlikely, unnecessary, and unrealistic. Finally, after her incessant talking about all the non-dance activities we were going to have at her dance party, I very clearly spelled out to her that I want to see gratitude for the party we planned not the one she has imagined.
Her aggressive planning annoyed me. I was frustrated at her seeming inability to be grateful. I felt ignored and unappreciated as she continued to allow her mind and conversation to wander to the false reality that she desired. But, honestly, what bothered me most about this whole situation, is the mirror of what is often my own attitude.
October 19th is our dating anniversary. Every year I want to celebrate the day I became Jason’s girlfriend while my husband does not. In the weeks leading up to it, I always allow my mind to wander into a fictional scenario where he does countless romantic acts to express his love. To be clear, my husband is a very romantic man, and he certainly puts effort into our wedding anniversary and other special occasions, but the longer we’ve been married, the less he feels compelled to celebrate our dating anniversary. Despite his resistance, I continue to talk to him about plans and make comments about secret surprises I’m sure he has up his sleeve. I feel the Lord nudging me not to place my husband under a litmus test, but His gentle reminders go unheard as I mentally plan for our big day. Before the day arrives, I have a list of desired actives that are unlikely, unnecessary, and unrealistic. Yesterday, I waited all day for Jason to do or say one of my extravagant plans, but he did not. As we were putting the children down to bed, and he was getting ready to leave for work, I coldly said, “Today was our dating anniversary.” He piped up, “I know. I thought about it several times. I am so glad that 13 years ago I started dating you. I still love dating you.”
Those words meant little to this wife.
He could have said the kindest things in the world or written a love sonnet on a card or taken me to get a special dessert, and I wouldn’t have appreciated any of it. Just like my daughter, I concocted a wild scenario that hindered my ability to be grateful for what I have. My husband felt unappreciated as I allowed my mind to wander into my deeply desired false reality.
When I believe my husband must prove his love by matching my daydream, I create a lose-lose situation. My husband is destined to fail before the day’s even started. Our marriage suffers because I snap and react to my preconceived ideas. And, I intentionally leave God out of the entire day because I want what I want and don’t use this day to work on my issues.
Watching my attitude played out before my eyes in the form of my daughter is hard, but I am thankful for it. Every October we are going to have our dating anniversary, and every year I can choose to continue to create scenarios that my husband will never live up to, or I can choose to do what I’ve instructed my daughter to do: be grateful, realistic, and in control of my thoughts. I can make this month hard on everyone, or I can choose to create special moments in the form of an agreeable and selfless wife. For me, it won’t be easy to let my desire to celebrate our dating anniversary go, but with God’s help I can realize life isn’t about me or my desires. It is about Him and being a wife who glorifies Him.
Do expectations ever steal your gratitude?
Heather says
Thank you so much for this post Darby! I also struggle with expectations (not only in my marriage, but life in general) and they always prove to steal my joy when left unchecked! This reminded me of one of my favorite quotes by Gary Thomas from his book “Sacred Marriage.” He says, “Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude.” This is 100% true in my life! When I choose to focus on and express what I am grateful for about my husband and all that he does for our family, my discontentment with whatever previously unmet (and often unrealistic!) expectations disappears! VeggieTales hit the nail on the head with the Madame Blueberry song, a thankful heart is a happy heart! 😉
darbyd says
You’re welcome, Heather. Thanks for commenting. It is always nice to know there are others out there who struggle or have struggled with similar issues. And yes, love the quote from Sacred Marriage!
Salena says
Thank you for this! This is me during every special occasion. I was raised with my mom going out of her way to celebrate well every special occasion while my husband was raised the opposite. He has a very different idea of how to celebrate things or give gifts, if at all. I truly struggle with this. Special occasions are usually a disaster in this household. I never thought of it like this before and I can sense that I will still struggle with this. Please pray for me.
darbyd says
Thanks for sharing, Salena! Me too. My husband didn’t grow up celebrating lots of things and so it is quite difficult for him. I will certainly pray for you as I pray for myself. 🙂
Angel says
Thank you so much for this. This saved my marriage yesterday! I have such a problem with expectations! Not only with my husband, but with most of my relationships. I need to get it through my head, (and heart) that just because somebody doesn’t love me exactly the same way that I love them, does not mean that they love me less or not at all! I literally told my husband yesterday that things weren’t working and I wanted a divorce, because I felt that he just didn’t love me the way that I thought he should (or rather showed it the way that I thought he should). This came through in my email and convicted me to the core! I apologized and told him that I love him and we are trying to work things out. Thank you again so much and Thank God for putting the this into my email yesterday!!
darbyd says
Wow, Angel, Praise God for His perfect timing and His refining work in BOTH of our lives. I am so happy to hear that you all are working things out. If you send me an e-mail with your address, I will be happy to mail you a copy of my book (For the Love of Our Husbands). Thank you so much for sharing! God is good.