I mentioned in this previous article that I struggle with my husband’s style of communication. He isn’t secretive, but he is a very private person. He can be a difficult man to read and certainly he would not be described as someone who wears his heart on his sleeve. Part of this is his personality. He is an introvert who is content keeping to himself (being an extravert, I don’t understand this at all). The other reason he is so reserved is because of painful events in his past (including, but not limited to, his parents messy divorce).
I’ve been working through Tammie Head’s Bible Study Duty or Delight* (a must read) and on page 68 she writes,
We’re all prone to building invisible protective walls, but those of us who lacked healthy love growing up build castles. For us, trust is a huge issue. … I [had] a problem with allowing people into my heart. The problem was not so much that I didn’t want to be close to people. I longed for deeper relationships. The problem was I couldn’t trust. Anytime my walls would start coming down and I’d find myself becoming vulnerable, my wounded inner carpenter would go into freak mode and start building walls.
When I read this, I wrote my husband’s name in the margin so that I would remember to ask him his thoughts regarding this quote. Jason said that while her description is more extreme than what is true for him, the concept is something he could easily relate to.
I asked my husband what could I do to help him open up more. What could I do to help tear down the castle wall? I suggested perhaps interrupting him less or reaffirming my commitment to him more. His response was a gentle, “why are you making this about you… it’s not on you.“
Every premarital class speaks to the truth that you can’t change your spouse. I knew Jason protected his heart before we were married, but I subconsciously believed that if I found the right combination it would grant him ease in being vulnerable. For years, I have been desperately seeking that magic phrase that would unlock the inner workings of his heart all the while not realizing that I have been, in essence, trying to change my husband. What a gigantic waste of energy! It isn’t up to me to change him.
My role is simply to love, pray, and appreciate.
Love -I must love my husband unconditionally. I must not sulk or compare. I must love every part of his heart (for me, that means loving even the walls around his heart).
Pray- I must pray that I will be a wife who seeks the Lord and strives to live by His agenda. For my husband, my prayer is that he will become the man God has called him to be. I must not exclusively pray for the changes I would like to see my husband make, but rather, the focus needs to be on his relationship with the Lord. In doing so, I am trusting the Holy Spirit to do a work in his life… however He sees fit.
Appreciate- I must appreciate my husband for who he is. This goes beyond loving my husband unconditionally: I need to celebrate the whole of who he is right now. When I shift my outlook to relish in what I have rather than obsess on a perceived void, I become keenly aware of my blessings. While Jason is guarded, I need to acknowledge that he isn’t completely aloof. He willingly shares his thoughts and his heart with me on his time table and for that I am thankful.
Truth be told, I have had internal battles over Jason’s shyness throughout our entire marriage. Some seasons it rarely crosses my mind while other times it is my sole focus. When I am not careful, I can allow this difference to distract me from the big picture of our marriage. My heart can feel taunted by what I don’t have rather than being grateful for all that I am richly blessed with. My example has to do with my husband’s reserved nature. What is it for you?
What in your spouse and marriage do you need to love, pray, and appreciate?
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Jedidja says
Very interesting to read 🙂 Thanks. I’m an introvert 🙂 It took my husband a lot of struggle to accept that the first time of our marriage. His faithfulness, reliability made sure I could give me en slowly I learned to talk. Also my deepest feelings … after twenty years of marriage.
An introvert sometimes needs rest. After a busy day I can not I go deep conversation the next day. With anyone. I must handle the hustle and bustle of the day and then I am there again completely for another.
I think: love, prayer and acceptance form a solid bridge to another.
darbyd says
Thanks for commenting! It is encouraging for me to hear that you finally confide in your husband now! Also, GREAT POINT about the activities of the day making it hard for you to have a conversation until the next day. Very valid point that I know is true for my husband… I need to do a better job understanding his needs in that regards. Thank you!
alst says
It’s Funny, I Stumbled Upon This Little Nugget While Searching For A Quote/Image To Send To My Husband To Let Him Know I Appreciate Him In A Tangible Way. I Was Only Trying To Save The Image Above & Keep It Moving. Hours Later I Found Myself Reading Your Post & I Too Have Tried To “Fix” My Husband & His Hurts Only To Realize I Am Not Equipped To Do This. Thank God For Prayer. Encouraging My Husband With Words Has Truly Unlocked Doors To His Heart That I Didn’t Think I Would Have Access To. Thanks For Sharing & Confirming That I Am On The Right Path.