At church last weekend, an older man was observing our family in the hallway when he leaned in close and asked me when my husband and I find time for each other with all of our children. At first I was unsure what he was referring to. Did he want to know how my husband and I had time for each other (in the bedroom) to produce all of these children or how we still invest in our relationship? My face must have exposed my confusion, because he clarified that he wanted to make sure we made it a priority to still date each other. I smiled and proudly told him that we try to have a date night once a month. He frowned and quickly informed me that once a month is not enough. He launched into a five-minute speech on the importance of the marital relationship and how one date night monthly, especially with all of our children, isn’t nearly enough. After he finished, I walked away unsure if I was upset at him for not minding his own business or upset at our marriage because we don’t have frequent date nights.
There is a plethora of wise advice found in books, blogs, and the words of other people, but I firmly believe that sometimes wise advice also has the potential to be damaging to a marriage.
A couple of years ago, I banned myself from reading any Christian marriage books. As an avid reader who is passionate about marriage, this was an incredibly hard decision to make, but it brought me so much freedom. Since before I was married I have pored over the written words of others and have tried to implement every single formula they claimed was a “must” for all marriages that were going to last. I manipulated and molded our marriage so that it encompassed every single suggestion that any well-respected Christian author wrote about. By doing so, I became insecure and frantic while my husband became annoyed.
I became exhausted trying to keep track of everything the experts said was incredibly important. Were we getting enough quality time by having frequent date nights and a satisfactory sex life? Had we established proper prayer routines? Did we know our confrontational styles and our love languages? It seemed that with every book, I added to my ever-growing list of questions we needed to ask each other before bedtime. The more I read, the more I couldn’t keep up.
I became incredibly insecure and thought that our marriage wasn’t all that it could be. I assumed that if a pastor or friend recommended a book, then SURELY we HAD to live by its suggestions. If not, our marriage was doomed to be mediocre at best and to fail at worst. I would cry and ask my husband why we weren’t working harder on our marriage, pointing out that our effort was a choice, after all. When I would express a whole list of areas where we were lacking, he would lovingly respond, “Where is that in the Bible?”
Where does the Bible mention that you must go on a date more than once a month?
It doesn’t.
While the Bible does talk about sex being a vital part of a married couple’s relationship, does it mention a mandatory number of times per week or a certain level of creativity to obtain?
Nope.
Where in the Bible are the questions that must be asked to one’s spouse each day in order to strengthen communication?
They don’t exist.
Can you tell me the chapter and verses that say we must implement every single piece of marriage advice we hear?
No, because that harms our marriages more than strengthens them.
I am not arguing the fact that there is a wealth of knowledge and wisdom that comes from listening to others. And I am not indicating that we should ever stop learning and improving in marriage. Marriage tips themselves are not bad, but the trouble comes when a wife makes each suggestion a commandment in her house, as I did. It is important for each one of us to remember that our marriage SHOULD look different from everybody else’s. We are not all created to be the same or to have the same needs. There is no “one size fits all” when it comes to marriage advice, and that is a beautiful thing. The Bible lists a few specific formulas that are true for every marriage, but aside from those, God offers us freedom to discover what works for our unique family.
As a Christian marriage speaker, blogger, and author, here is the best advice I can offer:
Put down the books and pick up the Bible.
Stop worrying about human opinions and start caring about God’s outlook.
Quit trying to be who the experts say you need to be and start being who God created you to be.
Freedom and encouragement comes when God is the one who transforms your marriage. He will lay on your heart what advice you need to take and what advice you need to ignore. His opinions about your marriage matter most!
Has wise marital advice ever been toxic to you or your marriage?
Sharing with: Messy Marriage
Andrew Budek-Schmeisser says
As a dedicated marriage blogger (and I’m finishing a book on the subject, too) I found today’s post interesting and valuable.
I hope people won’t turn away from what I write…it’s not intended to be one-size-fits-all advice…but I strongly believe that the marriage is a very individual thing, and that couples should, with reference to Scripture, work their way forward together.
Christian marriage books and blogs are often used like the self-help books that became so popular in the 90s; they seem to present a quick fix, a series of simple steps that, if implemented, will guarantee success.
Success, in marriage, doesn’t come from formulas. It comes from respect, forbearance, and placing God first.
darbyd says
Perfectly stated! Yes!
Joe says
I know you’re specifically referring to marriage here, but the same applies to parenting. Just yesterday during church, I was disciplining one of my children in a way that we feel is appropriate. A little later, a man (who I’m sure truly meant well), was asking me several questions as to what led up to the misbehavior. I spent the rest of the service questioning our techniques instead of listening to the sermon. When I ran the whole thing past Shawn, he assured me that we are doing the right thing and this is just a phase we need to work through. But it’s very hard to not let some stranger shake your determination.
Like you, I love to read, but I have to alternate “serious” books with fun fiction to keep everything in perspective. Interesting post!
darbyd says
Alternating books is a good idea! I haven’t thought of that. 🙂 And yes, it is hard not to let a stranger’s words penetrate your heart (in a negative way). I have to remind myself that they don’t know me, but the Lord does… And yes, same principle applies to parenting… which is funny because we just read two parenting books with two different perspectives and it left us confused. ha.
Crystal @ Serving Joyfully says
I completely agree! Which is why I typically try to keep any “advice” I dispense to be general things that are specifically stated in the Bible. Yes, I do think it’s nice to prioritize one another, especially in today’s busy, over-scheduled culture. However, sometimes that may look differently for different couples. I once attended a marriage seminar in which a woman said “You must have a date night weekly, and wal-mart doesn’t count! You need a nice, sit down restaurant.” Another man on the panel even tried to argue with her and she affirmed she was completely serious–at home doesn’t count, cheap date nights don’t count.
You could just FEEL the oppression and despair in the room from the women who believed her, but knew they couldn’t make it happen. It was so sad to feel the entire atmosphere of the room change with her statement.
Like the previous commenter, I completely agree with you on this, about marriage and other topics…everything goes back to His word. That’s the standard.
darbyd says
Ah! Yes, the oppression and despair you just described is how I so often feel when reading “must do this” type of books and blogs (yours is never one of those that makes me feel that way!). Thanks for commenting, encouraging, and leaving us with that word-picture of what I was trying to convey.
Amy says
Thank you…..I appreciate you writing this. I have also found that the reading of an abundance of Christian marriage books can be harmful if my focus is not on Christ first. Like you, I have wanted so much to be a wonderful, godly wife. But…..each man is different. I have wanted to do all the things that the books said would meet my husband’s needs….but guess what…his needs may not be the same as the next guys. I am now trying to let go of some of my desires, ask the Lord to direct my steps, pray more and talk less :-), be prayerfully in the Word more, and give thanks to God for making my dear Hubby exactly the way He did. Sometimes we can have desires that may be good and right, but they can become sin if we allow them to become our focus. Marriage advice/books/blogs etc can be very helpful if they are used as a tool, but we must be careful not to box our spouse in beyond what Scripture says. Blessings~
darbyd says
I love how you said, “we must be careful not to box our spouse in beyond what Scripture says.” How true! And yes, each man is different and I know my husband does not often fit into typical “male” stereotypes. What a healthy outlook you have about accepting your husband as God created him to be! I need to remember that for myself and for my husband. Thanks for leaving a comment!
Kimberlee says
Enjoyed reading this. I too am one of those who reads a lot of books and have read some marriage books and begin to try and implement the ideas and suggestions. I do believe their is value in reading and learning new things and ideas but like you said everyone is different and it is best to be who God created you to be.
darbyd says
Glad you can relate to my issue of trying to implement all the ideas and suggestions, and I totally agree that there is value in reading and learning… but I just need to do a better job realizing I don’t have to do/be all that the book of man imply. Thanks for commenting — so glad we have connected.
Stephanie says
Wow! I too have read tons of christian books on marriage and have never really stopped to think about it the way you stated in your post. You are SO right. I have read tons of great advice and a lot of it has helped to better my marriage and me, but there are some things that would be better if I relaxed on them a little. An area I did notice this in was blogging. There are a million mommy blogs with amazing and talented women. They make amazing food and are super crafty and that just isn’t me. The more I tried to be that the more frustrated I was. I love your line “Quit trying to be who the experts say you need to be and start being who God created you to be.” Great advice!
darbyd says
Amen and Amen! I didn’t think about it at the time I wrote the post, but after reading your comment I realize I do the same with Pinterest and other mommy blogs too! Thanks for leaving a comment. By the way, I just viewed your blog! Loved it and the whole “Exercise with no excuse” was just what I needed. I use my kids as my reason not to all of the time. Thanks for that. 🙂
Miranda says
I love this! I think too often we look to our friends, leaders, and yes, books, for marriage help when we should be going to the creator of marriage Himself. I wonder how much trouble we could save ourselves and our marriage if we asked God what He thought before we asked other people. Great advice. I am glad I found your blog!
darbyd says
Amen, Miranda! Love your thoughts… and I’m glad we connected!
Bonnie Way says
I’m always reading books, and I have a stack of marriage books too… but I’d agree with you that not all advice is going to work for your marriage. You need to read selectively, looking for something that might help your situation but willing to let it go if it doesn’t fit you or your husband. I remember reading one marriage book that I barely finished, because I soon realized he was talking about stereotypical men and my husband isn’t a stereotypical man – so most of the advice wouldn’t work for him. For another woman, though, I’m sure it’s still excellent advice.
darbyd says
Yes! My struggle is keeping that healthy perspective that what is good advice for one couple might not be the right advice for us. Glad you left a comment, Bonnie!