How do you handle negative emotions in your marriage?
I’m not referring to “the big” problems. The occurrences in marriage that require formal apologies or lengthy discussions will not be the focus of today’s post. I am simply asking how do you handle the non-intentional, difficult moments that are a natural result of two sinful people living together?
Right now I am sitting at Starbucks, drinking a water, and stewing on my emotions. My husband hurt my feelings this morning. It truly was nothing serious! Jason is so kind and gracious that he would never intentionally hurt me, but I am dealing with a real collide of unmet expectations and careless words. So, here I sit… too sad to even remain in the same house with him. He kissed me and gladly granted me this time away because he knows I need to be alone when my feelings are hurt. I am rarely ever able to articulate my emotions and so I simply pout. This pout, however, is different from the normal “over-dramatic Darby” pout. I am not trying to control him… I am simply trying to control my own emotions.
I know I am acting childish. My entire drive here was spent reasoning with myself. I am like a two-year-old who is sticking her tongue out at her brother. Only, Jason isn’t my brother and I am no two-year old child. I am thirty-one and my behavior toward my life mate is embarrassing. So I ask again,
The crunchy feelings, the daily “ouches,” unmet expectations, and the child-like desire to retaliate are not healthy and yet they can suddenly consume me (even thought I know they shouldn’t). Honestly, I have never handled negative feelings very well.
As a child, I buried them deep down inside, refusing to share the real me. As a teenager, I continued to stuff the emotions down with food. In college, my escape was shopping. Now, nine years into my marriage, I realize I need a new approach to manage my emotions.
So, here I am (fighting the urge to eat ice cream and shop at Target) forcing these feelings up… refusing to suppress them any longer! I can’t run away, shop, hide, and eat every time my feelings get hurt. I can’t retaliate or avoid or attack simply because I feel wounded. What scares me most is that, in allowing myself to feel one pain, I will inevitably open a scab that has been in place longer than I have been married. Hurts and disappointments, long never dealt with, will come erupting with the force of a geyser. Do I know a constructive and healthy manner to process my hurts?!
It seems so much easier to escape than to engage. Easier to retaliate rather than rectify.
Yet, the marriage I want and the wife I want to be would choose the harder route.
A healthy, thriving, and ideal marriage never takes Easy Street. It is easy to pout, to run away, to speak carelessly, and to blame. It is hard to take personal responsibility, have humility, offer grace, and to communicate with maturity. I want the latter, but I so often choose the former.
This post doesn’t have a clean conclusion, but my hope is that once I bring this out into the light… give it a voice… the power it holds over me will lessen. For now, I must finish my water, drive home, and smile at my sweet husband. Hopefully that smile will be the first of many steps in the right direction.
How do you handle negative emotions in your marriage?
Linking up with Thriving Thursday, Wedded Wednesday and Wifey Wednesday.
I says
I ask God for help to better deal with my emotions. I have learned to not take things so seriously. It is okay to have emotions and not bottle them up. But , when dealing with other you also need to use words carefully because they hurt. A spouse needs to understand and unconditional love someone for who they are.
darbyd says
Great advice! Thanks for sharing!
Sarah Brown says
Not well, honestly. I long to be more led by the Holy Spirit with my actions, thoughts and words. Failing time and time again with the same sin- either my action or reaction to my husband.
This blog is an encouragement for sure 🙂
darbyd says
Oh me too! I can feel the Holy Spirit tapping on my shoulder, but I often choose to wallow rather than to obey. Ouch.
Thank you, Sarah, for your kind words and encouragement!
Lynn Turner says
After one failed marriage (that is largely the result of me stuffing down the little things, because they seemed too silly to be hashed out), I now try to be completely honest with my husband. I tell him that I have to talk to him about something and that I realise that it is going to sound really petty and possibly stupid. Then I just spit it out. Warts and all. Does this work 100% of the time? Of course not! Apparently men can get hurt feelings too… who knew?
I am blessed that my husband is wonderfully understanding and caring and I gather that your husband is too. I also have a past of hiding myself away to ‘protect’ myself so this particular type of communication continues to be a struggle for me. I find, however, that a remarkably large percentage of the time, being honest about these little hurts robs them of their power. After all, it is the ‘little foxes’ that ruin the vineyard. Song of Songs 2:15.
darbyd says
What wonderful truth you shared, Lynn! Thank you! I love the “little foxes” verse — had never applied it to how I deal with my emotions, but goodness it is so true. I know my behavior, and lack of communication, is a hinderance to our intimacy and marriage. My husband is a wonderful and caring man. He respects my feelings, but his patience isn’t an excuse. I must improve in this area. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me.
Beth says
There truly is freedom in confession, Darby. Being humble enough to admit these areas of weakness is another way God heals our hearts. I hope that you check out my forgiveness series, since I’ll be unfolding some of the issues you’ve raised here. You’re a wise young woman and I’m so glad you’re not trying to manage your image or offer advice that is not life-tested. So many others are going to benefit from your honesty and the questions you’ve raised. Thanks for sharing at Wedded Wed, my friend!
darbyd says
Thank you, Beth! Yes, I am looking forward to your series on forgiveness. I always feel like I’m taking so many notes from your posts. I appreciate all your wisdom. As always, I appreciate the opportunity to link up and for you commenting. Praying you are feeling well these days.
Nannette and the Sweetheart says
First time visitor from Beth’s Messy Marriage! Wow…what a great post. After 34 years of marriage I wish I could say I have it all figured out and am The Mighty Conqueror! But, alas, I am not. There are times I still do what you just did. I pout, and go off and stew and even steam. I am ashamed of myself when I do so! I justify it by saying I am human. What you CAN be so proud of is that you didn’t FIGHT and say ugly words that cannot be taken back!! It took me years to stop doing that (and a relationship with a loving Savior). It sounds like you have married a jewel. But the hardest part in any marriage is communication, men did not get that mechanism! They hold most things inside and they just don’t argue or “talk things out”. AARGGHHHH!!!! Be patient with yourself and pray. Then pray some more! Ask the Lord to help you, which He will definitely do. I would say you have already overcome quite a bit in nine years. 🙂
Blessings!!
darbyd says
Hi! Welcome! Isn’t the Messy Marriage Link up wonderful?! Thank you! I so appreciate your encouragement and advice. I will certainly take it to heart as I begin to improve in this area of my marriage. So appreciate those who are older speaking truth into my life! Much appreciated!
Ashley says
Oh, Darby….I have the same problems. Hurts from struggles growing up and in my past. I don’t have an answer because I know that I deal with mine in the wrong way. I try to pray and not get so caught up in the emotion of something so small. When I am done “pouting” or self-medicating with food or anger then I find myself feeling guilty. Guilty that my husband has to endure my past hurts. He doesn’t know what opens those wounds and it’s not fair to him. The only thing I know to do is pray and seek God. He can help us move in the right direction.
darbyd says
Praying really is the best thing we can do. Some of my past hurts i simply need to release while others I need to deal with in order to put them away for good. Anyway, thanks for commenting and relating. 🙂