I was supposed to have arrived by 9 a.m. The clock read 9:07 as I was pulling the car out of the driveway. The morning had not been a bad one, but I always underestimate how long it takes me to get my children ready. Frantically I drove along the interstate, hoping my speed would shave a few minutes off the half-hour commute. When my husband called, his questions were met with one-word answers. When he asked me what was wrong, I said,
I just want to cry. I was supposed to be there around nine. It is nine now and I’m just leaving. It takes twenty minutes to check the children in. I feel defeated before anything has begun.
My frazzled and defeated emotions aren’t new. In fact, they are normal more often than not these days. Something about running late stresses me out to the point of irrational thinking. I used to be prompt to everything. If we had dinner plans at six, I was there by 5:59. With each child, my arrival time has become later and later to the point I can’t remember the last time I was on time to anything!
I don’t handle my annoyance with running late well.
My family immediately becomes the enemy. My words and responses toward them are snippy and harsh. In fact, my sweet six-year-old will ask from the backseat, “Are we going to be late?” when she can sense a change in my tone of voice. Not controlling my emotions when I’m tardy is an area of weakness for me, and yet, I don’t want to struggle with frustration over something as insignificant as running late.
I told the children that Mommy needed “Jesus music” and switched from our usual “Wheels on the Bus” toddler playlist to my worship music. Soon the song “Oceans” by Hillsong United streamed through the speakers. As I sang, I raised my hands and tried to switch my focus from the immediate to the eternal.
I pondered the lyrics:
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will standSo I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
When I think about the “great unknown where feet may fail,” my first thoughts focus on full-time missions, speaking for a living, future books, etc., not to mention my priority of raising five children to love and fear the Lord. The unknown possibilities of God’s desires for my writing and speaking scares me, but it seems natural to explore those options as I pray the lyrics of “Oceans” to God. Despite my fear of rejection, I assured God I would be obedient to his calling on my life. God’s response silenced me. He didn’t talk about anything related to the ministries in which I am involved, but instead spoke directly about my frustration with running late. He pierced my heart with conviction and asked me to be gentler and less irritated with my family in the moments I feel stressed or annoyed.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start nowSo I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
God is calling me into the deep oceans of patience, forbearance, kindness, and joy in the mundane and stressful times as well as the carefree and happy times. Honestly, that frightens me much more than a vocational calling because it requires intentional choices not to raise my voice or let little things get under my skin. God is asking me to give up my right to be annoyed and focus on my self-control, and it is in this calling where I fear failing more than I might if I was in a public position. Selling all of our possessions and moving to an underdeveloped country isn’t what God is calling our family to (at this season). But he is asking that I let go of my pride and my daily agendas. In my mind, the full-time missionary calling is a welcomed choice because it would require less painful heart work than conquering sins that feel stitched into my personality. His Spirit is leading me to a place where my trust is without borders, but it is inside my heart rather than a location on a map. It will require intense prayer and the accountability of my husband and children. And while I’m nervous, I know it will bless my family, take me deeper than I could ever go on my own, and lead me directly into the presence of my Savior.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior*
I share this today in case God is also asking you to venture into a deep ocean with him. Maybe yours is large-scale: full-time ministry, initiating a conversation of reconciliation, or leading a Bible study. Perhaps, though, the place where your trust needs to be without borders will be something that seems small: an attitude of pride, a quick temper, or a heart of jealousy. Regardless of the specifics of your situation, your husband will be blessed by your obedience to God!
I cannot refuse God’s invitation into the deepest ocean of faith I have ever had to walk. I pray you won’t either.
*”Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)” is track #4 on the album Zion. It was written by Joel Houston, Matt Crocker, Salomon Lighthelm. Click the button below to hear the song!
J says
I’m always amazed at how God speaks to me just when I need to hear it. I could have written your first two paragraphs. My husband & I had an eerily similar conversation just this weekend about how I often feel defeated before we ever walk out the door. I feel like we. are. always. late. I’ve been praying since then asking for an answer in how to improve. I’ll be honest…I don’t think I like this answer but it’s one I’ll chew on for a while. If my family constantly sees church as a source of stress, how will that affect their attitude towards going?
darbyd says
I certainly understand the dilemma about church attendance and my attitude. In fact, we had to change which service we attend because my foul mood always took away from the service. I certainly think opting not to go isn’t a wise option, and so realized if it was church or my attitude… my attitude was the one that needed to go.
Gena says
thank you for speaking my heart with your words! I, also, have the same issue. I seriously can not stand the thought of being late, much less the reality of my appearing to be disrespectful to others. OR, the judgement from those who were on time. My family has been “the enemy and receptors of my anger” for us being late too many times. I have determined, it is my pleasure (not responsibility ) to add more time to the beginning so we can have peace and I do not sin AND we get there on time! And, on those occasions where I have dropped the ball and we are still late out the door, i will strive for God’s Grace and be gentle to my family and we will enjoy what we were going for!
Simply Powerful Words! Thank You!
darbyd says
You’re welcome. I’m glad you can relate! I love how you refer to it as “my pleasure” to add more time. So wise! Thanks for leaving a comment.
Lynn Turner says
You have humbled me today with your open heart. I ask your forgiveness as I have, in the past, held condescending thoughts toward you because you sin differently than I do. This post convicted me on such a personal level. I KNOW that God is using you in a powerful way to bring women all over the world closer to Him! When you spoke of the sin of pride in this post, I felt that all too familiar ache of, “I’m doing it again.” Pride is so insidious when it masquerades as ‘righteousness’. I thank you for your boldness and your open, humble, real-ness. The enemy is mad with you because you’re doing it right. Press on toward the goal, my Sister.
darbyd says
Hi Lynn! Thank you for sharing that with me. And I so appreciate your encouragement about God using me… I always struggle with wondering if any of this makes a difference or matters. So those words mean a lot. Again, I really appreciate this comment. Thank you for sharing! Have a blessed day!
darbyd says
PS – forgivness is yours. 🙂