Adjusting to my husband’s new work schedule has been harder than expected. His new hours rarely allow us to go to bed at the same time or see each other much during the day. Throughout the challenging weeks, I felt the Lord prompting my heart to focus on my husband. If there were ever a time to bless him through service and a kind spirit, it would have been this last month.
I wish I could tell you I obeyed, but instead I threw myself a pity party.
I clung to my frazzled state. I lamented that managing every single detail of my house, husband, and children was solely on my shoulders. I took the trash out (my husband’s chore). I went through our evening routine of dinner, bath, and bed for our five young children without any assistance. I alone had to keep track of schoolwork, laundry, carpool, piano lessons, meals, and errands. I would fall asleep around two in the morning, hoping to get a solid four hours of sleep, but inevitably, I would be needed at least six times during those few sacred hours of sleep. I could have used that time to appreciate how much my husband regularly contributes to my life, but instead I felt sorry for myself that he was on a rough rotation. When he wanted to talk about his new job, I didn’t want to listen because he had been too busy or tired to listen to me.
I threw myself a pity party.
When my husband came down with a terrible virus, I found myself wanting to scream rather than sympathize. I’ve read stories of wives and husbands who considered taking care of a sick spouse to be a gift. I knew that is what a “good wife” would do, and there was a minimal part of me that wanted to care for Jason, but it faded in comparison to my tantrum. I was exhausted and sensitive from being needed around the clock for so many days, so when my husband said he didn’t feel well, I claimed he had no room to complain. He may have felt like death, but I was the one having to pick up the slack. I felt sorry for myself (not him!) that he was sick.
My self-focused attitude not only interferes in my earthly relationships, but it also interferes in my relationship with God. If I look at my life and think, “I’ve got it so hard,” then I’m looking at everything with a “woe is me, you owe me” attitude. I don’t shut off that attitude when I talk to God. How can I be a good wife without Christ infusing me and empowering me to be, but how can he fill me up if I want to spit “poor me” venom whenever I open my mouth?
I felt the Lord saying, “Tap into the power of the I Am,” but I ignored him. I didn’t want to. I’m not mad at God—I’m not even mad at my husband—but I am choosing to brood over circumstances. This time of transition could be a very sweet time for us as I trust the Lord to bring peace and endurance to our family. However, I exchange that for the ability to whine, cry, and throw myself a pity party.
I’m wasting days by not tapping into God’s power. I’m missing out on being refined. I no longer want to pass up the goodness this season could bring!
How do you combat being a pity-party wife?
I am sharing this post with Grace & Truth Linkup via Arabah Joy Blog.
Kaylene Yoder says
I find that praying for myself and for whoever is the “cause” 😉 of my pity party, is often how I get a better perspective on the situation. Sometimes I don’t want to pray, but that is also a sign that I should be praying! lol
Deliberately finding something to be thankful for, and then verbalizing that thanks is huge, too. A walk is good or the mood, too!
darbyd says
Hi Kaylene!
Can’t beat praying. And yes, I can so relate to not wanting to pray, but you are right, that is a sign I should be. I like the thankful idea too. Thank you so much for commenting!
Lux says
I think it’s a stage we all go through. To feel bad for ourselves is a sign that we love ourselves. But it’s a question of how long you’re staying there. Even in the Bible, it says “as I walk through the valley…” and not sit or stay. It says walk. So it’s okay to go through a trial but the important thing is that we keep moving forward and not stay stuck. 🙂
Surrounding yourself with positive people I discovered is a big help if you want to get out of your pity party and start feeling happy again.
Boyfriend trying to love better says
Hi Darby, I loved reading your blog. I am a to be husband and trying to soften up all my hard edges. I feel my fiance, often relies on the feeling of comfort, she receive from adopting a “woe is me” mentally, when ever she is faced with difficult circumstances or disappointment. Even when she is in the wrong she expects me to accept the outcome because of her hard upbringing or difficulties in her day to day life. I trying to empathize and sympathize with her, I try to understand her heart as a women. I’m learning she is more sensitive and possibly a bit less resilient than I am. I want to be a supportive partner and future husband, I want to love her like the bible says I Christ loved the church. But I find her talking on my emotional strings quite draining. This is where I need your opinion (and other readers):
1) Where do I find the strength and understanding to support her and love her through these phases. I often feel like she is excusing her behaviour by expecting me to always understand and agree it nothing to do with her…. it’s everything and everyone else… When she is sometimes faced with having to take responsibility, she puts her-self down and says “I should find someone better”. It really worries & hurts me.
2) Is there anyway to help her take the ownership of learning to change, without coming across as “holier than thou”? When I feel I have crossed the line and want to grow I seek wisdom from people I respect, books and of course God’s word. But she would rather just let the situation fade away or gloss over it. I sometimes read amazing articles which grow me by reading them and believe would also help her grow. But I feel guilty or as though i’m pressurising her when I send them to her to read…. just like this one.
Have you any suggestions?
Darby Dugger says
Hi! I’m so glad you are reading my blog and that you are preparing for marriage before your marriage has already begun. That’s awesome.
I can’t really answer your questions specifically without knowing you both personally. But just generically speaking, I would say that you find the strength and understanding to love and support her throughout all of her phases from the Lord. Thank back to all the phases and sin struggles He has loved you through. Keep that as your motivation to love through faults. I also would not “enable” any of her behaviors… if you don’t want her putting down herself, tell her gently that you don’t believe that and there won’t be any more talk like that. I remember the first time I raised my voice at my husband (back when we were dating) and he simply said, “We’re not going to raise our voices to each other.” He said it in loving and respectful way and I’ve been able to rise to his standard.
Also, I would just encourage you not to be trying to change her. You can’t change her. Your love can’t change her. Only God can and only if she wants to change. So if there are things about her that you really wish were different, you need to evaluate how to either change your own desires/expectations or see if this relationship needs to end before marriage. It’s so true what they say, “You can’t change your spouse.” So you either need to find a way to love all of her – even her faults (without enabling her or allowing her emotions to dictate)… or if this is something you can’t live with or won’t be able to love her through…. then you need to evaluate if marriage is a good direction. Hope those help! Take everything I said to prayer because remember, I don’t know you all. 🙂