Once upon a time there was a young bride who married the handsome man of her dreams. So much potential was ahead of these two, and their future seemed brighter than the sun. As the test of time began breaking other marriages apart, their love seemed only to increase. They stayed strong . . . for a while. But then it happened. Infidelity entered into their sacred vows, and their world shattered.
Preventing Infidelity
While that story doesn’t specifically refer to anyone, the sad truth is that synopsis can describe too many marriages today. Over the course of our decade-long marriage, Jason and I have had seasons where divorce seemed rampant among our friends. Since the start of 2015, we have found ourselves in that same sad season again. We used to boast pridefully, “That will never happen to us.” Now we find ourselves humbly asking, “How can we make sure that never happens to us?” My heart has been heavy and my spirit burdened by all that is going on around us. However, Jason and I have used this time to check in on our areas of weakness and to reaffirm our commitment to each other. After many discussions, we identified two main avenues through which we can prevent infidelity from creeping into our marriage. I’ll share one of these methods in this post and the other in a post that will be published next week. Please know that I am putting these commitments online to serve as accountability for my husband and me, first and foremost, and not to tell you how you need to do things in your marriage!
Unfaithfulness is hard to combat without a clear definition. We believe that one’s heart, mind, and body should remain faithful to his or her spouse—that goes beyond the dictionary’s interpretation. So before I share anything else with you, I want to make known what our philosophy is.
The Oxford Dictionary’s definition of infidelity: The action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner.1
The Duggers’ definition: The action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse by desiring someone else, real or imagined, in any physical, emotional, or psychological way.
While I prefer to believe that I will never cheat on Jason, the truth is, I’m a sinful human with a wayward heart. Compromise can quickly set in, and temptations abound around every corner. Poor choices can quickly lead me down a very dangerous road. As the old saying goes, “Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay.” Realizing my vulnerability is a huge first step in prevention, because it makes me see my need to enforce strict boundaries, which limits temptations.
The following points fall under the category of our first method of prevention—boundaries.
1. Preventing Physical Affairs
To prevent a physical affair, Jason and I have agreed that we will not spend time alone with a member of the opposite sex. Even public places, such as the cafeteria at my husband’s work or the cafe in the lobby of our church, do not qualify as a suitable atmosphere to meet one-on-one. We won’t carpool, hang out, or catch up with a friend who is a different gender. There will be no grabbing a bite to eat or closed-door conferences. We realize that client meetings or other career-specific exceptions might occasionally pop up, so we have agreed that the other person will know about these up front. While we haven’t always been so strict with these physical boundaries, over the last year I have come to believe so strongly in their benefits that breaking one of them would be considered betrayal, even if nothing physical were to happen.
2. Preventing Emotional Affairs
Since physical affairs rarely happen without some level of emotional compromise, boundaries must be implemented to keep our emotions in check. Authentic communication with my husband and an accountability partner is necessary in order to regulate my emotional boundaries. Unless I confess it, no one will know about the butterflies in my stomach that might come from another man’s attention. Because of this, I find I have to be honest with others and myself as early as possible. When I begin to find someone we know increasingly comical, or my respect for him grows, it is important to communicate that early so I don’t linger there in my thoughts.
A significant part of emotional fidelity is refusing to foster friendships with members of the opposite sex. Of course, Jason and I have members of the opposite sex that we consider friends, but we are clear that we won’t communicate privately or regularly with any of them. I abused these boundaries when I was active on social media and now (years later), I consider it a blessing to be Facebook-less rather than living with guilt of having deleted messages. In a world where family landlines are being replaced by individual cell phones and correspondence is sent to personal e-mail addresses, we want to make sure that we are still accountable to each other for all of our incoming and outgoing communications. Covering up the evidence of socializing is a baby step toward an affair, so we have decided it is best not to allow those behaviors into our marriage.
3. Preventing Fantasy Affairs
I realize that not every couple believes that pornography or erotica is wrong. Jason and I, however, believe that Scripture is clear that lustful, fantasy-fueled thoughts don’t glorify God, and we’ve seen the how this marketed “pleasure provider” actually brings about destruction and heartache. We want to honor each other in everything, including what we read and watch. We have worked hard to pornography-proof our computers and phones. At first I considered these boundaries to be for our children, but as I’ve matured, I’ve realized that they are equally as beneficial to us. No one is above temptation in this area, and we’re better off being proactively protective! For filters on home computers, I recommend Safe Eyes or Covenant Eyes. While I don’t know specifics about other smart phones, I created this printable checklist that details how to limit access to adult content on iPhones.
My husband and I put these intentional boundaries in place to help us remain faithful to the vows we made to God and each other. Perhaps our boundaries seem restrictive or ridiculous to you, but we are experiencing freedom and confidence knowing that we are stopping infidelity before it starts!
Strong, healthy boundaries are only half of the equation. Don’t miss part two of this post where I share the second part of our prevention plan {Click here to read it}.
Do you believe in affair-proofing your marriage? What boundaries do you have in place?
darby dugger
1 Infidelity. Oxford Dictionaries. Oxford University Press. http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/infidelity (accessed February 03, 2015).
Jo Cross @ Real Married Life says
I knew some of these tips, but not all! People don’t like to talk about this, because it seems like a trust issue. But my husband and I both admit, this is a trust issue, and we shouldn’t even trust ourselves! Keeping our marriage strong is more important than that.
darbyd says
Thanks, Jo! I always appreciate your comments. 🙂 Yes, knowing that you can’t even trust yourself is the biggest step to maturity in this area! I always think of the Scripture that warns, “If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall.”