My husband, Jason, greatly enjoys watching football.
So, every year around this time we have a similar conversation to the one we had Sunday driving home from church.
“I guess you want to football tonight, huh?”
“Oh Yeah!”
“I would just love for you to say that you want to spend time with me.”
“I would love to spend time with you tonight while we watch football.”
“Temping…”
“I can watch some of the game this afternoon.”
“No, you don’t have to.”
“What if we watched one of your shows tonight… by the fireplace!”
“No!”
“Why not?”
“I know that is not what you want to do… I am second choice to football.”
“I want to spend time with you tonight.”
“You are only saying that because I brought it up so it doesn’t count.”
Normally, the conversation ends around this line. I spend the remainder of the day pouting while my husband tries everything short of recounting his love of the sport to regain my favor. This year, however, Jason caught me off guard when he said,
“Darby! You are not giving me a chance to change! I am willing to meet you, but you have to meet me.”
I wanted to refute his claims, but remained silent because I knew he was right. I had never thought about it before, but he hit the nail on the head when he claimed that I stood in his way of changing. I refuse to accept when he has a change of heart. I can try to blame my nonacceptance on hurt feelings, but often it is the combination of my stubbornness, need for control, and a hidden desire to want a reason to be upset. When written out, I admit that my reasons don’t hold water. I say that I want my husband to change, but I intentionally hinder his capability to improve.
I sabotage my husband’s ability to be a better spouse.
I originally planned on writing a blurb about what the correct responses should have been throughout our conversation above, but honestly the conversation should never have taken place!
When did I grow so insecure that my husband’s enjoyment of football became a measuring stick for his enjoyment of me? When did I become so selfish that I will no longer watch the games with him? When did I become so entitled that I scoff, “too little, too late,” at my husband’s offer to make yet another sacrifice?
With this harsh truth staring at me in the face, I can’t help but wonder if the same is true in my relationship with the Lord?
Do I sabotage his refining work in my life by assuming I don’t need to change? Do I limit my spiritual maturity by holding onto a grievance against God rather than surrendering to his divine plan?
I stunt the growth of my two most important relationships! What a scary and humbling realization. Oh, how I need the Lord to transform me!
Do you ever stunt the growth of your marriage or faith?
Sharing with Thriving Thursday and Wedded Wednesday.
Lisa says
Darby, it’s really hard to enjoy a post that absolutely STOMPS all over my toes. 😉 Thank you for sharing these words that I needed to hear.
darbyd says
Sorry! 🙂 That’s exactly how I felt when my husband called me out! Ha. Glad God could use this lesson in another marriage too!
Hesper says
This definitely hit home. Thank you for sharing. It hurts so much but that shows how much I needed to hear it :/
darbyd says
Sorry it hurt! :/ But Thanks for leaving a comment! 🙂
Andrew Budek-Schmeisser says
Works for men, too.
My wife and I went through a period of misunderstanding and hurt, and I allowed it to harden me to the point that I am a very different person – the softness and humour that I had are gone, and I can no longer understand the appeal of a kiss and a cuddle.
Dreadful thing to admit. The only saving grace is that the docs say I’m going to be dead soon, so it doesn’t really matter.
Or not, because I’m already past the predicted sell-by date. So I have to find a way to meet her.
If she still wants to meet me.
darbyd says
Very true! It does go both ways. And so sorry for your period of hurt and for your health! Will be praying for you! Thanks for leaving a comment.
Susan says
Well, our “hidden desire to want a reason to be upset” isn’t so hidden anymore. Thanks for outing wives everywhere. 😀 The truth hurts, but it’s good. Thank you for sharing.
darbyd says
Ha! Sorry! I thought it was just me! 🙂
Rachel says
I am SO guilty of this. I read this yesterday, the whole while thinking…uh oh. Uh oh. Yep…this is me. I totally could’ve written this myself. HA! I have sent the link to my husband so he can read it too. I pray I’ll be able to remember this the next time I start on this negative path of thinking!
darbyd says
Thanks for sharing, Rachel… and I’m glad you can relate! Way to go in e-mailing it to your husband. Thank you for commenting!
Tammy Noel Smith says
I was disturbed somewhat at this post.I admit,this is my first visit to this site.As a Christian wife of 30 years,I have learned so much about love,respect,dying to self,and honesty.We left a church about a year ago because we saw things coming out of this church that were ungodly concerning marriage.Women are a husbands helpmate,given to men,by God.Wives know their husbands better than even a pastor or a trusted friend.Wives are ONE with their spouse for a simple reason…they are meant to be a helpmeet to their husbands in the way that they will hold their husbands accountable in a way no pastor or friend ever could.If a husband truly values the gift that the LORD gave him,in his wife,the helpmate,he will listen without pride.This teaching of being quiet is not what the LORD instructed at all.So much has been taken out of context that Christian men today are falling away because there is no real accountability.Wives,in their true honesty,WILL confront their husbands on their sin.
darbyd says
Hey Tammy! Glad you stopped by my blog. I’m sorry you were disturbed by this post. I have to say, I certainly never meant to imply that women must be silent. I too believe that women are to be their husband’s help meet (I actually wrote a post on that several months ago) and also that I should be my husband’s greatest accountability partner. This post was more about ME! I refuse to allow my husband to change for the better because I can be stubborn. It really has nothing to do with him. Hope that makes sense… sorry again for the confusion!