Over the past 24 hours, my husband and I have experienced our biggest disagreement to date. I am currently facing the question,
How do you submit/support your husband when you wholeheartedly disagree with him?
Our disagreement does not involve sin. If my husband had made a sinful choice, then certainly I would not be struggling with the burden that I need to support his decision.
In the past, when my husband and I have not been in agreement, we believed it was best not to make a decision until the Lord led us to a place of mutual agreement.
This situation is unique to us because my husband made a decision without my support.
Now, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my husband has the best of intentions. He believes this is the best choice for our family, but that provides me with little comfort. I can’t seem to get over my own desires in order to align my mind, heart, and body to communicate agreement. Yesterday, my husband told me he needed my support, but he was only met with silence and tears.
I felt, at the time, that silence was the best way to offer support. My inner dialogue seemed to resemble that of the old woman in the movie The Princess Bride,who yelled, “Boo” at Princess Buttercup for making the wrong choice (and my husband certainly didn’t need that).
Lisa Jacobson wrote once,
My husband needs to know that I am behind him when he’s making choices for the both of us.
I agree with this quote and appreciate the wise words that she offers on this matter, but in my flesh, I don’t know how to make it happen. Certainly, there are specific situations that lend themselves to making the choice to submit easier. Other times, as I mentioned last week, supporting our husbands can require sacrifice on our part, but, aside from being an inconvenience, it doesn’t affect us much.
The question I am wrestling with today is what to do when we truly don’t agree with our husband’s decision and yet have no Scriptural grounds for our lack of support?
Of course, I could sputter off that my attitude is a choice. Which is true. I could mention that I need to die to myself and sacrifice my pride. That is true, as well. I introduced in my book, For the Love of Our Husbands, the principle that feelings follow actions. Meaning that, if I want to feel in support of my husband, I must act like I support him first. This is a valid truth that shouldn’t be overlooked.
So, where do I begin? How do I get from where I am to where I need to be?
- Pray – I realized today that I had yet to pray about the situation (aside from the insincere request that Jason would change his mind). If I want to make wise choices as a wife, I can’t neglect the very important role that prayer will play in my life. Prayer will change me before it changes my husband or our circumstances. I must be prayerful about my attitude, my desires, and my heart. I need to ask God to align my heart with my husband’s. (I would also appreciate your prayers for me in this area!)
- Resolve – I must resolve not to let this come between us. I must resolve to welcome home my husband with a smile despite my feelings. I must resolve to let it go and not harbor bitterness. While most of what I need to do is a process… I must resolve to work at it and give it my all. I cannot allow myself to justify my emotions or dwell on my disagreement. I must resolve to submit joyfully.
Can you relate? How do you overcome yourself in order to submit to your husband?
Kimberly Queen says
Hey Darby, boy have we’ve been there! To keep it short, Chad now consults me on nearly every decision because the Big One (nothing sinful) almost cost us our marriage. I worry that he’s almost scared to NOT to confer with me. I’m probably saying too much but I appreciate how open you are because it helps us other wives not feel alone.
darbyd says
Thanks, Kim! I appreciate you sharing your story. This is something Jason and I talked about beforehand, but it came to a point a decision HAD to be made and I was not ready to agree with him yet. I certainly did not make his decision any easier! So thankful for a patient husband! 🙂
Sherri Singley says
Hi Darby thanks for sharing this post. I have definitely been there and some times it’s even a little harder since my husband is not a believer. I know that I am still called to submit to him regardless, unless it is sin of course. My husband is a great guy though so these situations come up few and far between. Thank God! I liked your advice, especially the resolve part. That can be a little harder at times. By the way I shared this post on my Facebook page and asked the wives to pray for you. We can all use prayer & support during these times. God Bless! ~Sherri@godlifehappywife.blogspot.com
darbyd says
Hey Sherri! Thank you for reading, commenting, sharing, and of course enlisting prayers on my behalf! They were certainly felt. I greatly appreciate that!!! That is wonderful that you married such an awesome man… I agree that it makes submission easier! Glad you could relate to my writing! 🙂
Emily says
While I agree with what part of what you said (praying), I must say I disagree with the fundamental message of this blog posting. I submit to my husband, and he submits to me. Submission is for both men and women. Submission was not meant to allow only the man to make decisions and the women submit to them.
Decisions should be made equally, and I can hardly think of a situation where a decision would need to be made by only one partner in marriage. If I were you, I would still pray about the matter, but I would not “resolve to submit joyfully” to something I disagreed with. The Bible tells man to treat his wife like Christ treats the church- putting her above himself, and dying for her. This is a huge sacrifice, and I would never have to “resolve to submit” if my husband were truly living that out.
darbyd says
Hey Emily! Thanks for reading and commenting! I do agree that, ideally, decisions should be made together. I know in the past, when my husband and I have not been able to reach a decision (regarding school choices for our children or family planning) we agreed to do nothing until the Lord led us to the same conclusion. While the wait of that is hard, it is nice knowing that we were waiting on each other… this situation was a little different because it required prompt action. My husband is the most amazing person I have ever met, I certainly didn’t mean to apply he would step over my wishes on purpose, but ultimately he submits to God (not to me) and he felt he made the decision that was in the best interest of our family. In my head, I see his points, but it has taken a while for my heart to catch up.
I MUST resolve not to let this come between us — for me, my emotions can lead me in so many unhealthy directions if I am not careful that I need that resolve in my life. I also must resolve to submit joyfully even if it isn’t something I would choose because I am submitting to a husband who submits to Christ. It is a beautiful thing really and I am so thankful I don’t have to carry around the weight of being the leader of our home. Jason will be accountable before God for how he led our entire home. I am accountable to being a godly wife. Much less pressure. 🙂
I avoided the details of our situation simply because I didn’t want the specifics to be distracting to the reader, but the situation was that over the past month our dog of 8 years has begun to snip at the children. We had him tested at the vet and everything checks out fine and we have tried to work with him and excuse his aggression, but last week he snipped at yet another child (that makes 3 out of 4) and my husband, who works in an ER and sees firsthand painful dog bites, said he could not overlook these warnings signs and felt he needed to take action to protect our children. He asked his mom to take our dog. This was his best solution so that we can still see him, take him back if his behavior improves, etc… I see his side and his decision, but my heart grieves not having my “first born” (as I call him) in our house anymore. My husband is optimistic we can take him back, but it was the process of releasing him that I struggled with. For people reading this who aren’t “dog” people, they won’t understand my struggle and I didn’t feel that this situation was applicable to everyone so didn’t share it in the post, but did here simply to highlight that my husband was loving me and putting me (and the children) first in his decision, but I still didn’t like it. Again, this makes me glad I am not the leader! I would fail miserably. Ha.
Thanks again! I really love hearing the advice and opinions from others!
Julia says
Hi Darby,
I hope your heart has caught up. It had to be a very difficult decision for your husband to make. The fact that your husband obviously values your opinion and counsel is wonderful and wise. Sometimes if we want our husbands to lead, we have to recognize that submitting to their leadership might not always be what we want. Sometimes it might not even turn out how they hoped. We still have been called to respect and support them anyway. I pray for your peace and your ability to support his decision, as it was made out of love for his family.
Having a dog that I dearly love, I understand your pain. While reading your story I really thought you were going to say that he had the dog put down. I am glad to see he found a different solution. I know you hope to bring your dog back home one day. Some dogs just don’t do well with children. Some children instigate dogs. Some perfectly normal behaviors in children can be seen as aggressive to dogs. If possible, seek dog training with a professional trainer and include your children. Accept the fact that the safest thing for your family, and the kindest thing for your dog, might be to live in apart.
darbyd says
Hi Julia! Thank you! Thank you for being so understanding and encouraging! Yes, my heart is catching up. We were able to talk about it last night after he returned home and I was able to apologize for not making his decision any easier. You are spot on in your wise words about submission and how we, as wives, have to recognize that their leadership might not always be what we want. I will take those words to heart… thank you for sharing them.
I do hope that our sweet dog can return to us, and if he does, we have the phone number of a behaviorist that comes highly recommended by our vet. My husband just felt the need to give him a “retreat” for our house and our small children who climb on him. My worry is that we don’t know how long this retreat is, but I am dwelling less on that and more on working through my emotions with my husband rather than against him. Thank you again, for everything!
Anonymous says
Hi Darby
I am struggling with a situation where my husband has befriended one who has murmured about our bible believing, evangelical church …and as a result my husband has embraced another denomination and joined that church without my agreeing. I’ve been counseled to leave it in Gods capable hands because their is no way to change his mind. Only the Holy Spirit can change hearts. But oh I hurt! Any practical advice?
Thanks
Ps please keep my name anonymous
darbyd says
Hi There! That is a tough situation and I am sorry you are in the midst of it. I will certainly be praying for you. I don’t always feel very wise, so please don’t only take my advice, but I would agree that you can’t change your husband… only the Holy Spirit has the power to convict and spur on change so I would encourage you to continue to pray for your husband and for yourself in this area.
My next question would be, is the denomination that he converted to a Bible-believing church? If it is, but the style is different or the size is different or it just isn’t what you are used to… well, then Scripturally the best response for you would be to go with your husband as he leads your family even if you prefer your old church. However, if the church he has converted to does not believe in the Bible, isn’t a Christian church, has major Salvation-related doctrinal differences, etc… then I would certainly pray for the situation and then discuss your concerns with your husband. Perhaps the two of you could study the theology of the new church together in light of God’s Word to see if it stands? If it is okay with him, bring in a different friend who is very knowledgable in God’s Word to help you all as you wade through these waters.
No matter what he chooses, make your commitment now that you won’t allow this to break up your marriage. There may be a season that things are rough as you wait for God to guide you, but you cannot allow this situation to be an opportunity for Satan to whisper lies or discontentment into your heart. Remain faithful and steadfast in your commitment and thought life. Honor God by honoring your husband in all things.
Again, I am so sorry for this current struggle. I will be praying for you and your husband. May God’s voice be made clear to you both!
Nicole says
This post was exactly what I needed to read this morning. My husband and I left the church we have attended since we first met and the church he has decided we should go to is totally different from the doctrine and style I grew up in. Furthermore, his parents attend there and my in-laws and I have a very difficult relationship. I’ve fought this decision for two months now. I’ve sobbed, I’ve yelled, I’ve prayed for him to change his mind. But now I need to start praying that God will change my heart instead. I’ve known I should submit…what I didn’t know was how to submit when everything inside of me would do anything rather than go to that church. Yet “I can do all things throught Christ who strengthens me.”
darbyd says
Hey Nicole! So glad the timing was perfect for you, but my heart breaks for your current struggle. I will be praying for unity between you and your husband and for your heart as you submit. Thank you so much for commenting!
Apryle Rubio says
Hi Darby,
Your dog is a member of your family and that’s why you’re so heart-sore..your husband did the best thing for children and dog, but you miss your “baby” and that is very understandable! I will pray for this vital member of your family- God cares about his healing and wellness!
I too, quite recently had to trust my husband’s decision when I was not in agreement; we had a utility shut off and after two months I confessed my pain to another lady at our church who deferred me to a ministry that helps w bills, etc…. I felt very strongly that we should ask them for help, but my husband felt equally as strongly – though he couldn’t explain why- that we werent supposed to… It got to the point where I literally was about to walk out the door! THANK THE LORD, HE SHOWED me that my husband was in fact listening for direction from HIM and that it was HIS GUIDANCE my husband was relying on. I repented and got back into alignment w my husband. Our marriage is soooo much stronger now. That utility did eventually get turned back on, but through a completely different way that we needed so much more then just a utility getting turned back on!! And, I had to learn to trust my husband’s faith in GOD and his ability to hear GOD for himself!! That’s one of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn!
Your Sis-in-Christ,
Apryle
darbyd says
Hi Apryle!
Thanks for commenting and for being so understanding!
And thank you for sharing your story! Wow! God knows what He is doing and the sooner I, as a wife, allow HIM to lead my husband… the better off our whole family will be. So thankful that you have a husband who listens to the Lord first. 🙂
Sparklechimes says
So many relationships are only based on tbe womans role….go figure. Women have ways struggled with this but that’s not Godly. Mainly because the mans role is the key to a successful marriage because he SUPPOSE to be the head, to LOVE HIS WIFE. To give bis life up for her… Men can’t even give up their beer or football game… they even think it’s funny… God doesn’t think it’s funny or it wouldn’t be in His word as a command … Cultures or churches don’t teach the specifics of husbands loving tbeir wives but tbe bible is very specific on real love. So no wonder we have so many fowled up marriages. Men please learn to love your wife… give yourself up for a relationship with her. Happy wife, happy life. Its sad but husbands will answer to God some day.
darbyd says
I agree with you that the Bible is specific about a man’s role to love his wife. My husband lives by the rule too. However, since this is a site for wives written from a wife, I don’t really speak about the man’s role simply because it is the wrong audience.
Struggling says
In your post you said that if it’s a big issue that you both disagree on, such as school for your children, then you both pray until you’ve come to a mutual decision. That’s where I’m struggling tremendously, and we’re running out of time. It’s time for our oldest daughter to start kindergarten, and we have completely opposite opinions on what we should do. I think this is the first time in 14 years of marriage that there’s not a happy middle ground to compromise on. Not only have we been married for 14 years, but we dated for 5 and a half years before that. So here we are after being together for 19 years, and I’m having to face not being able to compromise on something that is as important as our child’s future. We knew that we would both have very differing opinions on this topic since we would argue about it when I was 16, but I never expected it to be this difficult. I know that it is my role to submit. I have told him that I would submit to his decision; however, I’m struggling so significantly due to it being my child’s future that lies in the balance. I understand that sometimes we are supposed to submit so that God can teach our husband something, but it’s the fact that my child’s future is what is at stake that I can’t hardly swallow. I’m worried that if I step back and submit to his decision, then when something happens, I will resent him so terribly. I don’t want to hate him 5 years down the road. Please help me resolve these feelings. I know that I’m to submit, but please pray that I can forgive him when he makes the wrong decision for our children.
darbyd says
Oh Friend. Thanks for sharing… I have been there. We battled it out when my husband said he didn’t want to homeschool – something that I felt called to and thought was best for our family. However, as I kept praying, the Lord kept revealing to ME that Homeschooling was an idol in my life… my identity was wrapped up in it and I felt like it was something I HAD to do in order to be a better mother. I had to go to my husband and tell him that the main reason I was battling him was because it was an idol in my own life. He appreciated that so much. And we ended up finding a great school where she is home part time (three days a week) and at school part time (two days a week). We never would have found it if I had continued to drag my feet and veto all talks of school. Also, this happened when my husband felt like we were “finished” having children and I knew we were not. I fasted for five days for the Lord to bring us a single vision. At the end of the fast, the Lord told me that I needed to bring my desire for another child to Him rather than my husband. That whole time I was fasting I was wanting a miracle… for my husband to change or me to change. All he taught me was that I needed to give my desires to Him. I wasn’t very thrilled with that answer, but it worked. I stopped talking about it and a month later my husband said he would like to have more children. Basically, I share these stories to give you hope and to have you work out a lot of your struggles with the school choice with God. Do you trust God to take care of your child no matter what? And perhaps your husband needs to make the “wrong” choice for a reason? Or, perhaps your husband’s choice is the right one and you need to work through your end? I don’t know… only God does. But I would pray for the single vision and for unity of heart. I would pray that you would choose to forgive… even in advance. But that if you do submit, you aren’t submitting to the “wrong” choice, but to your family’s choice. If you’ve already labeled it wrong… it will be harder not to view it as anything but… Hope all these ramblings make sense. Feel free to e-mail me darby (@) darbydugger (dot) com. Thanks for writing!
Really, really struggling says
My problem is waiting on my husband to hear from God and make the right choice rather than the one that pleases his flesh the most. In the meantime, we struggle. His decisions cost us plenty! We have to live with whatever whim he chooses to follow without consideration of how the consequences of his choice would affect his family–our family. Seems that I a more often right than wrong whenever we “compare notes”. I was patient and prayerful, but now weary and mistrustful of him. I have submitted to the point of feeling like a fool, knowing that his choice was not what was best for our family. Now, I’m tired of submitting. I don’t want to waste anymore of my time or life while he deals with his issues that constantly change our lives for the worst rather than the better.
Laura Price says
Hi Darby .
Thank you for sharing this . I am in this right now. I am 3 months away from getting married and my husband to be is a personal trainer at a gym. I have strong feelings against him working in a gym because of the temptations that come along with that. A lot of the women that work out there are very in-modest and he works with an all female staff. I trust him and he has never done anything in the 2 years we have been together to break that trust. He said he is aware of the situation and guards us and his eyes and remembers who he is in Jesus . I want him to stop training and working in a gym but he loves this job and does not want to do anything else. He said he is fine and for now he thinks he is where God wants him to be. I love him with all my heart so I do not want to leave but I do not like his job and it is hard for me to handle it . We fight daily about it. I have been praying and just asking for the grace of Jesus. Thank you for sharing that we are not the only ones who struggle.
Coo says
What do you do when you want to go to the ER because your symptoms of mobility have change sine the Lat time you went a month ago? He does not believe I am in bad a shape as I am, but it is getting harder to walk.
Darby Dugger says
Well, I can’t really speak to specific situations when I don’t know the couple, but I hope you get the medical advice/support you need right now.