A couple of months ago, I shared an embarrassing story about the time I (basically) accused my husband of committing adultery. Last week I shared that I snoop through Jason’s e-mail accounts.
What neither post disclosed was the sheer frequency events like those happen.
- At least a few times a month, when Jason goes to work, I take it upon myself to comb through his different e-mail accounts, checking every folder (including the trash and sent mail) to make sure I am fully aware of all of his written correspondence.
- At least a few times a week, I rifle through his phone. I will notice it laying on the kitchen counter and will, without hesitation, examine his texts, his call log, and the apps he has frequented.
- At least once a day my mind wanders to the possibility of Jason being attracted to anyone at his work or I concern myself with the possibility that he is struggling with lustful thoughts.
Clearly, I have trust issues.
A few weeks ago, the marriage leadership team at my church (of which I am a part) met with a marriage counselor on our staff to understand his job a little bit better. Someone in our group asked him what he deals with the most, and he responded that usually a husband and wife will come in with a crisis such as, “We can’t communicate,” but, he said, “Once we get them talking, what it boils down to is a trust issue. He can’t trust her words; she can’t trust him to be truthful.” He pointed out that having complete trust in one’s spouse is almost impossible to achieve in the first five years of marriage.
As I listened to his story, I didn’t know if I should nod my head in agreement or hang my head in shame. You see, Jason and I are going to celebrate our tenth anniversary this year, but over the last six months, I have been struggling to trust Jason’s commitment to me. I snoop through his clothes, his briefcase, and his computer. If he wakes up at night and goes downstairs, I act as if I am still asleep for a couple of minutes but then creep down silently after him just to see what he is up to (which is never anything more than using the bathroom or helping himself to a late night snack). My paranoia has certainly been getting the best of me and causing a lot of inner anxiety. And, here’s the kicker: during our marriage, Jason has not once given me a reason to question his faithfulness to me. If he had, well, then it would make perfect sense to be on such high alert, but since he has not, it just leaves me falsely assuming he is guilty of something.
Last month, as I was pacing around my kitchen out of anxiety that Jason was, somehow, untrustworthy, I prayed and asked the Lord why I was so obsessed with this. Could it be that, perhaps, this was a warning from Him that something was amiss and I needed to be on guard? That was when the Lord spoke directly into my heart and said,
“Your trust issues aren’t with Jason – they are with Me.”
While I knew my obsession and paranoia were a symptom of a lack of trust, I assumed this all had to do with my husband. I never once considered that my insecurities have everything to do with my relationship with the Lord rather than with my spouse.
- I don’t trust God to be my all in all.
- I don’t trust Him to work everything out for my good as He promises in Romans 8:28.
- I don’t trust Him to meet my needs.
So, to overcorrect my faith crisis, I have turned to my husband for complete fulfillment. In my heart, however, I know that Jason is a mere human (a sinner just like me), and I know that at times he will let me down (just as I let him down). But since I am projecting all of my security onto him rather than the Lord (where it belongs), I have grown increasingly nervous over the possibility of my husband betraying my trust because if he hurt me, my whole world would crumble.
First Corinthians 13, the Message version, states that “love trusts God always.” If I truly love my husband, I will trust God always… God, not Jason.
Do you trust God always?
Edited by Mary Anne Brady – Affordable & Meticulous Editing Services at www.bradyediting.com
Sharing with: Motivation Monday and Wedded Wednesday.
A Beautiful Mess says
I am a wife whose husband did betray her trust, not once but twice with the same person. Although I have every reason to feel the way I feel, after 15 months of him doing all he can do to prove himself trustworthy and repentant I still struggle (and I know this is very normal) I too believe that when the anxiety comes up and I want to check all his accounts, look her up to see if I can detect “anything” and get emotional and revisit memories I need to leave at the foot of the cross, I have begun to realize in my spirit it is my lack of trust in God. I shouldn’t…He let me know when my husband was unfaithful and prepared me each time. Your post hit home…even for a wife who has the right to feel the way I feel.
darbyd says
Wow! Thank you for sharing. I was wondering how this message might come across to someone whose husband hasn’t always been faithful… so I am glad you were still able to relate. God is so faithful, but Satan can quickly plant seeds of doubt that I easily water and allow to grow. I will pray for you in this area as I pray for myself as well. Again, thanks for sharing your story!
Joe Pote says
Speaking from my own personal experience here…
Obviously, it makes no sense for you to live in constant stress, always worried about what your spouse is doing. So, yes, you are completely correct in seeing you must place your trust in Christ.
However, you do still have every reason to follow up and check if something does happen to arouse your suspicion. I’m not talking about just stressing to stress…I mean something specific seeming a bit off and somewhat suspicious.
Because, you really cannot make yourself trust but strength of will…trust must be earned, especially trust that has been violated. Following up when it makes logical sense actual helps your spouse earn your trust, when you learn nothing is wrong…or alerts you to a real issue if something is off.
And remember,you are not responsible for your spouse’s behavior. You can’t make him trustworthy by trusting or not trusting. It’snot about trying to keep him straight…just about walking in wisdom asyou trust the Lord to be with you through all you may encounter.
Blessings to you!
darbyd says
Thanks for sharing your personal experience to this situation, Joe!
Mary Elsbury says
Great thoughts! They apply to anyone who is feeling insecure.
darbyd says
Thanks, Mary! Really appreciate the encouragement!
amanda says
I too have this very same issue. My husband has never really led me to beleive that he is cheating but I am constently question his faith. I am always checking his phone, emails and where he is. I try to let it go and then I am back at it again. I am so tired of feeling this way so I can totally relate…
I never looked at in a way that it may be an issue with me trusting God so by reading this post has shed some new light for me. This has encouraged me to pray and get to the bottom of this because I can’t keep on like this. I have had many people tell me I am going to ruin my marraige over things that are all made up in my mind..
Thank you so much for this post!
darbyd says
Oh, Amanda! So glad we connected! I too try to let it go, but then it isn’t long before my “curiosity” (aka mistrust) gets the best of me. I am glad this post was encouraging… I will be praying for you as I pray for myself! Thanks for commenting!
Andrew Budek-Schmeisser says
I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself – the issue of emotional/physical infidelity is a real one, and it’s made so much easier (and easier to hide) by the modes of communication we have at our fingertips, not to mention transportation on demand, and a degree of societal anonymity – even in small communities.
And – please trust me on this – finding evidence of emotional infidelity is absolutely devastating, yes. As it should be, because marriage entails a promise before one another, before the community, and before God.
“Sexting” (as an example) is a breach of promise, and a slap in the face of honor.
We owe accountability to our spouses, and having open email and facebook accounts, not to mention free and mutual access to phones, is a good start. Exercise of that accountability isn’t paranoia – it’s a help to keep one another on the right path.
darbyd says
Hey Andrew! Thanks for commenting. Of course any kind of emotional affair or inappropriate online activity is devastating in a marriage… I’m not trying to minimize that. But I know me… and I know my husband… and my “suspicions” are not appropriate at all. We have each other’s passwords and he never hides anything from me, but I my paranoia is completely off base because I am trusting my husband to be my perfect savior… which, of course, he can’t be… my trust issues certainly have more to do with my lack of trust in God than in my husband’s commitment… it is the root of the issue that I need to deal with and until I trust God, I can never completely trust anyone else…
Those are my thoughts, anyway. 🙂
Andrew Budek-Schmeisser says
Makes sense!
I need to learn to trust God a bit more, myself.
darbyd says
Yes! 🙂
Crystal Green says
Thank you so much for this. I have written many times over about how I suffer with insecurity issues with a husband who doesn’t deserve it too. I really needed to read this because today was a bad day of struggling with my insecurity.
darbyd says
Wow, Crystal! God is good. Thanks for sharing… and I totally understand your insecurity struggle! Ugh, the flesh is so hard to fight!
Joe Pote says
One thing that stands out, to me, in this post is that your husband, apparently, had no objection to your checking his e-mail, texts, etc.
I see that as a very important point. The fact that he had no issue with your hypervigilance is a big indicator that nothing was likely wrong with your marriage.
Glad you were able to sort it out and reocgnize the source of the hypervigilance.
Thanks for sharing!
darbyd says
Yes, my husband has no objection to my snooping… he actually prefers it so that I won’t assume the worst! Sadly, I still assume the worst, but again, that’s my issue with God rather than my husband. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your wisdom!
Lanette says
I am definitely a jealous and territorial wife which is, of course, a downfall of mine. Although he would never believe me, I have improved on not digging through his phone and other things. I look through texts, fb, etc. more for my own comfort bc I pray in my heart that he isn’t doing anything. This past weekend the situation reached its boiling point. He told me to “stay out of shit.” Why?Honestly, if there’s nothing to hide what’s the big deal? Is it a man thing or would you feel just as concerned if your husband told you to stop going through his phone and such? He knows he’s more than welcome to look at anything of mine but he finds this to be a make or break us situation. We met when we were 14. We have a 23 year history and just had our 10 year anniversary. From the life of me I can’t figure his reasoning out. He says he’s tired of living his life like he’s on trial everyday. We haven’t spoken to each other in 2 days and I know our children have noticed something is going on. I’m at a loss and have no idea where to go from here.
darbyd says
So sorry for your current conflict. I can’t really speak directly into your situation not knowing you or your husband, but we only have “ours’ not his or mine (e-mails, social medias, phones, etc.). He has as much right to my stuff as I do his. When we were dating, we talked to our premarital counselor about my issues of wanting to snoop through his phone and he feeling disrespected by that. The minister had us come up with a plan for how to handle those situations, for example, I agreed to stop looking through his phone but I had freedom to look at the incoming/outgoing call log on the phone bill each month. Life is more complicated with social media and such, but I would encourage you and your husband to come up with a solution you both agree with. Hope that helps!
Stasia says
Thank you for sharing. I have come to realize that I have a similar issue, but with respect (embarrassing to admit). I know I am supposed to respect my husband, but I feel like he has to earn it and can never do enough. This is something I am currently working through!
darbyd says
Thanks for sharing, Stasia! I know these are embarrassing to admit! I will be praying for you in the respect area if you will pray for me in the trust area. 🙂
Ana says
I can totally relate to this post! The father figures in my life have all let me down in the trust department so I find it very difficult to trust my own husband, who has given me no reason to doubt him. I’m curious to know if have you cut back in checking his email and phone as you’ve learned to trust God more in this area? Thanks 🙂
darbyd says
Hey Ana! Great question! The answer, I’m happy to report, is yes. While I have been working on my trust issues with God, I also shared this post with my husband. So, he’s helping me by being even more open. He knows I browse through his things, so I bring up anything I’m concerned about right away and just ask him about it. I still check, but no longer obsess. I am a lot more peaceful because I am learning God is with me.
Stephanie says
I love this post so much! I’ve been thinking this myself, in the past few months my trust for my husband has dwindled for no reason; I’ve checked things like you have and there’s nothing there. So, I’ve heard the same voice of God saying where my trust issues lie. God Bless You for sharing!:) It’s nice to not feel alone in matters of the heart.
darbyd says
Thank you! It does feel nice to know I am not alone too! I do think our trust with God is vital. I will be praying for you whenever I have struggles in this area. Thanks for sharing!
melissa says
so where do you go from here? I’m having the exact same problem, and it’s piled on to a lot of other issues one of which is PPD and anxiety. I’m afraid I’m pushing him so far away with my distrust that we’ll never be able to come back together.
darbyd says
I would say, go to God. I don’t mean that to be trite, but take your distrust to the Lord… asking Him to take your fears and only prompt you when there is something there. Also, talk to your husband… about all the struggles that led up to this. It’s super embarrassing, but I think my husband appreciates knowing that my distrust is my problem, and I know it and making steps to improve. I will be praying for you! I’m not “healed” from this, but I am coming out of the intense season of it, praise GOd.
Amber says
I just wanted to say thank you for your transparency in this particular issue, I also struggle with the exact same trust issues that you’ve shared in your blog and it was very encouraging to know there is someone else working out this issue through the lense of Christ!!
J says
Thank you so much for sharing this. I hope I can let go and use your advice. Married much longer but completely empathize with fear of betrayal and making myself sick over a perceived threat. You aren’t alone!