“What do you want from me?”
Jason kindly asked me that question the other night while we were in the midst of a disagreement. Maybe you can relate, but this question is always a conversation killer for me. I rarely know how to respond because, most of the time, I don’t even know what I want! For some reason, articulating my desires or hurt feelings proves more difficult than being a body contortionist. Ultimately, I whisper a weak, “I don’t know,” and that concludes the argument. On this particular night I retreated to the bathtub (my favorite thinking spot) to stew over his question.
What did I want from my husband?
I had been feeling misunderstood by him which I internalized by assuming he was telling me I shouldn’t feel the way I was. Insecurity was birthed because I concluded that something was wrong with me that needed to be fixed before my husband could accept me (Disclaimer: these were all my perceptions and not what my husband had actually communicated!). Upon peeling back the layers of my thoughts, I realized what I wanted most from my husband was simply to work through my own emotions together as a couple. I wanted to know that he was on my team and that I wasn’t alone.
Immediately, I wanted to rush out of the bathroom and share my new insights with Jason. Yet, before I had even rinsed the conditioner out of my hair the Lord immediately spoke into my heart a truth that kept me in the warm water a little while longer. He pointed out that:
What I wanted from Jason was exactly what Jason wanted from me.
- I want to know my husband is on my team ~ my husband wants to know I am on his team.
- I want to feel understood by my husband ~ my husband wants me to understand him.
- I want to be heard ~ My husband wants to be heard.
- I want my opinions to matter ~ my husband has opinions that he wants to matter.
How true! The more time I have allowed that reality to sink in, the more convicted I have become regarding my own selfish agenda. I want my husband to listen to me, but I don’t take the time to listen to him. I want him to hear my side without growing defensive, but yet I am instantly oversensitive if his opinion happens to differ from my own.
The “What-I-desire-from-my-husband-could-be-the-very-thing-he desires-from-me” principle stretches far beyond the boundary of just this one argument. It can be applied to so many areas of marriage: sexual intimacy, communication, date nights, expectations, unconditional love, respect, laughter, finances, work schedule, and hobbies just to name a few.
I must begin to show my husband what I desire from him because chances are he is wanting the same thing. What a positive cycle that would create in our marriage!
Linking up with Thriving Thursday, Wedded Wednesday, Women Living Well, and Wifey Wednesday!
Janice Fisher says
Once again you have brought encouragement and truth. Thank you!
darbyd says
Aw! Thank you for your kind words, but it is all The Lord. I am not that wise on my own! 🙂
Madonna says
Always insightful Darby!
darbyd says
Thanks, friend!
Joe Pote says
I popped over from Messy Marriage link-up, for a quick read and polite comment…and…was unexpectedly and pleasantly surprised!
Your first words at the top of the post are an exact verbatim quote of a question I asked my wife one evening earlier this week, “What do you want from me?”
Thank you for sharing your insights. It was a good reminder of what I should already know…that what both my wife and I want most from each other is to be understood and to know we’re on the same team.
Thank you, Darby!
darbyd says
Thank you for reading and commenting! I appreciate your words and am glad that you were pleasantly surprised! 🙂 Yes, for me, knowing we are on the same team is so important, but I never thought about my husband having that same need before! Glad you could relate!
Beth says
Don’t ya just love those “double whammy revelations” from God, Darby? And I’m so glad that you’re secure enough to share with all of us who invariably struggle in the same ways from time to time. Great thoughts, my friend. I’m so glad you linked up with Wedded Wed. 🙂
darbyd says
I do love them! 🙂 Thanks for always taking the time to read and comment on the link-ups! The personal touch is one of the reasons I continually link-up with Wedded Wednesday! Blessings!