Do you ever feel unappreciated in your marriage?
Without sounding haughty (even though I am bragging a little), I pretty much packed and unpacked our entire house single handily. Jason’s work schedule is crazy, and so he hasn’t been around to help. Also, he is spending most of his pre and post work time at our old home fixing it up for closing. (Remember our lovely wall gallery?! Well, that and several other things have left a plethora of nail holes to fill and walls to repaint.) Whenever Jason is home, he is playing with the children or tending to our beastly yard.
What I’m desperately craving is for my husband to tell me, “Thank you.” I want him to say out loud that he couldn’t have made this move without me, and share how impressed he is I had time to do it and tend to the children. I’m seeking his appreciation, respect, and admiration. And while inwardly I know he feels those things, the fact he hasn’t voiced them is on my nerves. Finally, after weeks of grumpiness, the words came flying out of my mouth:
I don’t feel appreciated!
But as they were coming out, it was as if God gave me a peek into Jason’s heart. During this hectic month, I have not once thanked him. He completed all the paperwork to get our finances ready for closing; he is working full time at an exhausting job, and spending his time and talent to fix up our old house so that we represent Christ well in the transaction.
My self-centeredness blinded me to my husband’s contributions.
All I could focus on was the work I have accomplished and how my husband wasn’t celebrating me the way I deserved. But, I never once thought about the reality that what I am craving from my husband, he is also craving from me. He wants understanding and appreciation, and he has received nothing but a snippy and pity-party wife who can’t think past herself. As I wrestled with this reality, the Lord brought to mind two important truths.
1. When I’m living for the praise of others, I will always end up disappointed.
I twisted Scripture, hanging my right to be angry on Proverbs 31:28, “Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her saying, ‘Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.'” When I take that verse out of context, it makes it seem like my husband should be telling me how I surpass every other woman. However, the Proverbs 31 woman does the right thing for the right reason, not for the appreciation of others. Her husband rightfully praises her because she isn’t seeking after his appreciation.
Why am I serving my family and making this house a home? Is it for recognition from my husband or because it is the right thing to do? Am I working hard for the Lord or self-glory? I don’t often like to think about my motives because they aren’t always honorable, but the answers were easy to see because of how unappreciated I felt. I have been working hard, but my attitude showed I was working for men and not God (see Colossians 3:23-24). If that is my motivation, I will always be disappointed. Instead, I need to be more like Paul and less like the Pharisees of Jesus’ day.
“We were not looking for praise from people…” ~ 1 Thessalonians 2:6
“For they loved the praise of men more than praise from God.” ~ John 12:43
2. When my focus is on being thanked, I won’t be thanking others.
When I long for praise, it is almost impossible to praise others, including God. And yet, the opposite is also true, if I focus my mind and heart on worshiping God and appreciating my husband, I will not concern myself with whether or not my husband is thanking me. My struggle for appreciation ceases when I take on an eternal mindset. I can play the victim card or I can sincerely give to others what I am seeking.
Do to others what you would have them do to you. ~ Luke 6:31
But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. ~ Hebrews 3:13
I’m thankful for a patient husband and for a loving God who convicts without condemnation. I pray that every day I will be a better wife than the day before. Today, I know where to begin… making it less about me!
How do you act when you don’t feel appreciated?
darby dugger
Patty says
Ouch! I wrestled with this again recently. Fortunately, the Holy Spirit convicted me before I said anything. It never ceases to amaze me how many steps backwards I can take. I’m so thankful for God’s new mercies. (And you!)
Darby Dugger says
Glad I’m not the only one, but way to go on listening to His leading BEFORE you spoke! And yes, very thankful that His mercies are new every morning! Thanks for commenting.
Horace Williams Jr says
Wow…such an honest and heartfelt post Darby. Thank you for sharing. The fact that God revealed to you your weakness says a lot about your relationship with Him. Such a blessing that you heard His still small voice. It is easy to fall into the trap of wanting appreciation; I have been there myself at times. We must always remember who we are in Christ . He values us and loves us unconditionally. May we live to show a love like Jesus loves. I hope you have a wonderful weekend as you settle in with your move. May God richly bless you and yours in all your endeavors!.
Darby Dugger says
Thanks, Horace! Great reminder to focus on who we are in Christ. I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment.
Debbie Kitterman says
Darby – Oh boy, I can sure relate. I love the end when you say – “I can either focus on appreciating others or I can focus on myself but I can’t do both” Yikes, when you see it like that, you realize the enormity of the problem. I appreciate your honesty in sharing how you have been feeling lately and how God moved on your heart towards your husband. Stopping by from #Grace&Truth today
Darby Dugger says
Hi Debbie! So glad you stopped by and for the encouraging words!
AW says
I stumbled across your blog from Generous Wife on Facebook. I’ve been married a little over a year and all I can say is, “how do you know me so well?!” Your posts are encouraging. I love how you share your struggles and then point us to Christ through them. Some of these posts are the very battles I’ve fought while getting used to married life. Thank you for being real and showing us there is always hope in the Lord!
Darby Dugger says
Thank you so much for the encouragement! You verbalized my goal so well… sharing my weaknesses and then point to Christ. So happy it comes across that way. And it is so encouraging for me to know I’m not the only one too. Not that I’m glad you struggle with the same issues, but just that these battles are real for others… Satan always likes to make us feel we are the only ones. Thanks again fro leaving a comment – praying you have a blessed day.