Last week I read a blog post (click here to read it) where the author explained how her husband is an excellent example of love not being self-seeking. I really enjoyed the article, left a comment on the blog, and felt led to expound upon my thoughts in a blog post of my own.
“…It [Love] is not self-seeking…” – 1 Corinthians 13:5
I became Jason’s girlfriend in October of 2002 and a few months later when February rolled around I began having some health issues. My body began hurting and aching in ways I had not previously experienced. Most of that month and all of March was spent in and out of doctors offices where I underwent several medical procedures. On April 4th, 2003, my doctor told me he believed I had Multiple Sclerosis. I was 20 years old, a sophomore in college, and wasn’t exactly sure how this would affect the rest of my life. About two days later, I suggested to my boyfriend that we should break up. He was in medical school and had a heart for overseas missions. I didn’t want us to continue to date because I was worried I would become a high maintenance wife later in life. I thought to myself, “Does this future doctor/missionary really need that in his life? Wouldn’t I be holding him back?” We weren’t even six months into our dating relationship and he had not yet told me that he loved me. I thought I was giving him an easy out. I, again, suggested that we should break up. He didn’t even hesitate as he dismissed the idea. He looked at me in the eye and said, “Darby, MS doesn’t scare me. If you are the woman God is calling me to marry then MS won’t stop that.” Sigh. Love is not self-seeking.
I remember that moment as if it were yesterday. I remember feeling loved even though Jason had not spoken those exact words to me. That example perfectly defines my husband. His love is not self-seeking. It never has been. My husband knows that true love is something you give without considering what you will get in return. Today, almost 10 years later, he still shows me that love is not self-seeking. With all four of our children, he would awake with me each time I was up for a middle of the night feeding. He regularly rises early with the toddlers and allows me to sleep in. He watches all four children with excitement so that I can take a long bath or scrapbook. He volunteers to do a majority of the grocery shopping (I loath the grocery store). He never hesitates to serve and sacrifice. Certainly, he isn’t perfect, but he understands (in a way I have yet to grasp) that love is a choice to daily put your spouse ahead of yourself. Love takes humility and a heart that fights against its own human nature in order to be selfless rather than selfish. Love is not self-seeking.
I don’t share all of this with the sole purpose of bragging on Jason. Instead, I share it because I realize that I fall short in this area. I am incredibly self-seeking in our marriage. While I wouldn’t say I’m a selfish person (or at least I hope not!!!); I have accepted the patterns in our marriage and have grown comfortable with my servant leader husband without offering much self-sacrificing help in return. As I pondered the previously mentioned blog post and my husband’s love, I came to the grave realization that I don’t hesitate to sacrifice when involved in a ministry outside of my home, but giving of myself inside of my house doesn’t even register on my radar. Why is it that serving others is easier than serving my husband? Why do I get excited to cook a meal for my neighbor, but prepare dinner for my own family with a sour attitude? Jason is my greatest love and first priority and yet my actions don’t always convey that same message when I gladly serve others more than I do him. Love is not self-seeking.
For clarification, when I mention serving my spouse, I am not referring specifically to house hold chores or things that need to be done. Marriage is a partnership and it requires the effort of both people to put food on the table and keep everyone in the house functioning at full speed. What I am talking about goes deeper than the everyday. Loving my husband in a way that is not self-seeking requires me to humble myself in order to continually put Jason’s needs, desires, and wants in the forefront of my mind. It will involve finding creative ways to help, inspire, refresh, and encourage my husband to reach his goals and pursue his hobbies. It will put him before my children, my friends, and my ministry. All of which should be done without drawing attention to myself or expecting praise in return. Love is not self-seeking.
Over the past 24 hours I have made a better effort to put my daily agenda aside with the goal of intentionally serving my husband. I broke free from the tunnel vision of my own to-do list to focus on Jason. It has been a refreshing day for me as a wife and I am amazed at how my love for Jason has grown just in this short time frame! I desire to be a silent servant, unashamed lover, and constant encourager to the man I married. I desire to do so simply because I promised to love him for the rest of my life. He might not deserve it, I might not want to give it, but love is not about what they deserve or what we want to give… it is about sacrifice and it is a choice. Love is not self-seeking.
Phil says
We have a similar story with our marriage. My wife tried to scare me away with something from her past that would affect us for the rest of our lives. Best thing I ever did (through misty eyes) is tell her I didn’t care.
Great story Darby!
darbyd says
Thanks for sharing! And for being an example of love not being self-seeking! 🙂
Mary says
It’s such a beautiful story and a delight to read…
darbyd says
Thank you! Appreciate you reading and commenting!