If you know me personally, then you know I have a phobia of germs. I’m not talking about some simple aversion or dislike, but a true phobia. During the winter season, my fears kick into high gear with the stomach bug being what I dread the most.
Confession: there is not one day that goes by where I don’t, at some point, break out into a full-blown panic attack wondering if my children might puke. There isn’t one night where I go to sleep without going over my “quickest route to the toilet” plan.
It truly does interfere with my daily life, and my husband kindly suggests that I need to seek professional help about it. I probably should… someday, ha.
My husband, on the other hand, isn’t phased by germs or vomit (still not sure how I married an ER doctor). When he is home from work I always breath a little easier knowing that he can deal with any impending sickness while I run to an isolation unit. However, as he heads to work, I become more unsettled than usual knowing that if something should happen, I am the sole comforter and cleaner-upper.
Jason was supposed to have 11 days off earlier this month, and I was almost praying that the stomach virus would hit during that time. Of course, I would prefer not to have it at all, but being the doomsday believer that I am I figured it was inevitable. About six days into his time off, he brought up the idea of cutting his vacation short so that he can have a longer paternity leave next month. I liked the plan but hesitated to give my verbal approval because I envisioned the children getting violently ill on the days he was working.
I was freaking out in the shower, dreading all the possible (even though unlikely) germ scenarios in my head, when I began to process why is it that I feel better when Jason is around? I began praying, and that is when it hit me:
I view my husband as my prince of peace.
I could object and claim that I wasn’t viewing him as the Prince of Peace, but certainly I have him as a prince of peace in my life.
I have these expectations that when he is around I can handle my greatest fear much better than if he isn’t home. The peace I feel when he is with me is void when he leaves for work. As I sat there with the water running down my face, I realized it should not be this way! I confessed to the Lord where I had been wrong and asked Him to be my source of peace rather than my husband. I can face germs, illness, and much worse as long as I’m relying on the Lord.
I told my husband about my mini-breakthrough and apologized for putting so much pressure on him. If my children get sick, whether my husband is home or not shouldn’t interfere with my confidence that I can cope because I can face anything with the Lord.
For me, that is much easier said that done, but thinking it is the first step to living it!
Where else do I place Christ-like expectations on my spouse? I wrote about my need to let the Lord be my ultimate romance a few months ago (see this post), but are there other areas? Do I look to him for my comfort? To be my protector and provider? To heal old wounds? To give me direction and sound advice? To be my source of joy or my sense of completion?
There are many times when I ask my husband to be what only the Lord should be in my life.
While I love my husband and am thankful for all his support and provision… ultimately, I need to be trusting in the Lord and not looking at my husband to fulfill my needs. Having a sense of comfort when Jason is home can be a good, but I had made it into an idol by assuming I can only face my fears when he is by my side. In reality, I can face my fears with Christ by my side – nothing more, nothing less.
Do you ever put pressure on your husband by making him a god in your life?