My husband is in the midst of making some rather tough decisions that impact our entire family. The weight of his discernment is evident in his demeanor. Last night, I told him in no uncertain terms that he seemed miserable! He responded by repeating the truth that he is trying to figure out how to best lead our family through some upcoming changes.
This isn’t the first time my husband has been overwhelmed.
In our marriage, there have been a few different occasions when Jason battled with minor depression over circumstances, and I am willing to bet he isn’t alone in this. Probably every husband experiences a time, or two, when deep pressures (from work, health, family, transition, or his own pursuits) can affect how he interacts with his family.
I struggle as a wife during these times.
I wrestle with selfishness! I become defensive, take things way too personally, and speak accusatory words towards my mate (such as, “You seem pretty miserable these days!”). Instead of encouraging him, I add stress to his already maxed out emotional state. I need to improve in this area! So, today, the point of my post is to hear from you!
How to do you encourage your husband when he feels defeated by life’s circumstances?
I know that I need to pray more for my husband and demonstrate self-control over my critical words, but I am sure there are many other ways I can be celebrating my husband and showing him unwavering support as he navigates our family through the unknown. Like I said earlier, I am sure all husbands go through similar emotions, and I would love to learn from you!
Thank you, in advance, for sharing your wisdom with this wife!
Joining with: Wedded Wednesday, Works for Me Wednesday, & Whimsical Wednesday.
Amanda says
Darby – I wish I had some advice, and I will be watching the comments for suggestions as well. This has been a huge struggle in my marriage recently, as my husband has been under a lot of stress, from work and going back to school, and I haven’t responded well. Praying for you and Jason!
darbyd says
Thanks for the prayers…. sending them your way too. Yes, I wish I could take back some of my earlier responses to Jason because I just don’t handle him being “down” very well. This morning, I actually thought about a Word Picture the Lord gave me a few years ago regarding husbands and pressure… it helped me to have a little more grace. You can read it here:
http://darbydugger.com/vacation-lesson/
Hopefully it will help you as it did me. Thanks again for sharing your similar struggle!
Kim Queen says
Darby, you’ve imparted so much wisdom on my marriage, Im not sure I’m worthy to advise you. However, as Chad has gone through a season of unemployment and with that, the stress that it has brought on, I’ve simply tried to continually be his encourager. I’ve tried to remember that men need respect more than anything else in the world. I was reassured of this by Tim Hester as he spoke so powerfully of this at Marriage Rocks last Friday night. He reminded us wives that our husbands are really just little boys in big boy bodies, and they all have one thing in common, they want the respect and admiration of their wives. So with that, I’d say to keep doing your best to build Jason up, remind him daily how proud you are of him and his accomplishments as a husband, father and physician. Tell him he can tell you anything without judgement and be his ear and shoulder when he needs it. (Even if you aren’t truly feeling some of those things with 100% confidence, trust me…. he needs to hear it)
Blessings to you and Jason.
Kim
darbyd says
Thanks, Kim…. great, great advice about being an encourager… and Tim always speaks wise words!! Thanks for your practical approach to this. Very encouraging!!! 🙂 Appreciate you!
Andrew Budek-Schmeisser says
This is from a man’s point of view – I hope it may help. And the same principles apply to a husband wanting to uplift his wife after a history of disrespect.
First, you have to ask yourself, as a wife – what have I been doing up ’till now?
Have I been complimentary of my husband’s successes and efforts, or are more of my comments about my life, honey-dos, or criticism?
Have I been supportive of my husband in public and with our families, or have I undercut him – and/or made jokes at his expense?
Have I been supportive of my husband in conversations with my friends, or do I join in when there’s “man-bashing” time?
If you haven’t been supportive until now, a drastic change is NOT a good idea. It’ll ring false, and lead to your husband not completely trusting your words. If you’re mostly critical, he can depend on you to be that, and make allowances in his expectations. A drastic change will be taken as your wanting something, not a genuine desire to be better.
You can try to explain what you’re doing, but you put yourself into a difficult position, and possibly a worse one, if you slip up badly.
Recovering from a habit of criticism is like dealing with a hole dug with a teaspoon. It takes a long time to dig, and using the teaspoon, will take time to fill in.
The best thing you can do is, first, eliminate the negative comments, and then gently start adding the support. Don’t become an instant cheerleader, and don’t expect praise – you’re doing what you’re Scripturally called to do. It is your duty, and should be your desire.
I hesitated to add this, but I think it’s important – don’t make sex part of the equation. Chances are that if you’ve a history of more criticism than compliments, your husband is more ambivalent about your physical relationship than you’d ever guess. Sex does not fix things – ever. A better physical relationship can grow out of emotional closeness, but that desired emotional intimacy will not grow through sex.
Finally, please remember that many of the stereotypes that are used to pigeonhole men (and women) are not true. Men are a lot more sensitive than you’d expect – most love poetry was written by men, as were most romantic songs. Men wrote most of the romantic literature until quite recently, as well.
You, as a wife, are absolutely central to your husband’s life, and your words, deeds, and attitudes are what define his life – and ultimately define him.
Sorry about the length of this comment.
darbyd says
Thanks for the “man’s point of view” — loved your last part about being central to my husband’s life. Great reminder.
Phil says
Darby – you are courageous to post this!
Genuine praise and admiration turns an ordinary man into a king. Andrew (above) makes some great points. You do have the unique ability to build your husband up and speak volumes into his spirit and soul. That also means you have the power to tear him down just as much.
I would start making changes to the way you react by first, not reacting. Take your time and observe him. Use your gifts of empathy and intersession and search for his heart. Remove yourself out of the equation (how it’s impacting you) and support him with everything you’ve got. When I don’t know how to support my wife during a difficult time, I simply ask her, “How can I help you through this? What can I do?” And she does the same. It makes a huge difference and shows the other person that you care enough to ask and that you are willing to help.
I hope that helps sister!
darbyd says
Oh, my friend! I’ve been thinking about you lately… hope you are doing well.
Really love your comment. So wise when you suggested just asking Jason what I can do!!! I just wrote to the world for advice, but have yet to ask him what he needs from me. Thank you, so much, for your wise words!!!
Rachelle says
I think the men above have great suggestions. I am married to a man who carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. It is just his personality type. He is also an introvert. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I worry about very little and I am an extrovert. When my husband is really feeling the pressure of the world around him I just keep things very positive. My comments are positive. I try to be in his presence as much as I can even if it just means sitting quietly with him. He does not like to talk about his problems and “weigh me down with them” so I just “be” with him as much as I can and I don’t pry. When he is ready (which may be a couple days down the road) he will fill me in on what is bothering him. It can be difficult sometimes as dealing with anyone who is stressed is challenging as attitudes are different. I just keep my attitude that same as it is on any normal day and I don’t let his attitude affect my attitude.
So, that being said…I don’t know how to guide you if you husband is the type that likes to vent and share his load with you, but if you have the quiet type, just sit with him on the couch as he unwinds and don’t pressure him. Share positive, encouraging things such as things that happened throughout the day with the kids, things that would generally make him smile. He may not smile right when you tell him but it is making a difference. It is getting him that much closer to the top of his “pit”. Scratch his back while he is brushing his teeth before bed. Scratch his back and/or hair while he is falling asleep. Just let him know you are there. Words are not always important. Actions, however, are always important.
darbyd says
Ah! This is perfect advice!!!! My man is totally the introvert type and I am not… which makes what I am doing “prying” and never thought of it. I keep thinking the more we talk about it the quicker he will make a decision and then can move past all of this, but since he doesn’t decide anything quickly and doesn’t enjoy discussing his emotions in general I am most likely not helping at all. I never put that together until your comment. Thank you!!!! Love your practical tips on ways just to just let him know I am there too… very helpful! I really appreciate your comment, Rachelle!
The Baby Mama says
Beautifully written and so honest. And something I too battle with. Hubby is my strength and support, and he is the strong one in our relationship. So, when he is down or tired or stressed, I often don’t know how to step up to be HIS support. I am learning thought that often he just needs to a time out to think. And perhaps that is what I can give to him. Thank you for a wonderful blog, and a thought provoking post today.
darbyd says
Yes! Same here… my husband is so great with supporting me and I wish I could give him the same support he offers me! Time to think it out is necessary…. thanks for the reminder to give that to my husband!
PS — I owe you an e-mail. 🙂
Teresa R says
When my husband needs my support, I will find scriptures to speak over him, and I will ask him how I may pray concerning the decision(s) he is making. I let him know that, if he asks, I will give my opinion, but the final decision is his, and I will support his decisions.
darbyd says
Wonderful advice, Teresa! Thank you for sharing. I will find Scriptures for my husband tonight!!!
Rachel says
Darby, thank you for your blog. I appreciate your shared prayers. The only advice that came to my mind when I read your post (yes, I’m a week behind…), is this. I try to come up with encouraging phrases or affirming phrases to use to be there for him without him feeling like I am trying to boss him into seeing things my way. Such as: “I can see that this is important to you.” “I trust that you will make the right decision.” “I will be here no matter how it turns out.”
Encouraging words are so few and far between these days, be the one cheerleader in his corner and the confidence that comes from him knowing you’re on his team may help make the decision making process easier.
darbyd says
Wonderful advice! Thanks, Rachel… You are right she you say that if I help him understand I am on his team that it will help the decision making process easier. Great advice. Thanks.
Cheryl says
Lots of things are running through my head randomly so as I pray through this I will not prioritize but just list cuz thats how my brain works :)… *pray for your husband. Pray for wisdom, strength, to seek biblical advice, pray for his mental and physical health, and don’t pray how you want things to turn out (not so easy to do some days)… *encourage your husband to go for a run, play a round of golf, something physical he enjoys (it helps)… *manage your home so he doesn’t have to think about it (this is hard when you’ve become depleted in the process but soooo helpful… *tell him you support him and will go anywhere/do anything. He needs to hear it again… *
Praise him to him, to others in front of him, to your children… *KNOW this season will pass. God is answering even when neither of you can see.
darbyd says
Love all of these!!!! Thanks for the advice!