Have you heard about the Ban Bossy campaign?
It is this huge movement to encourage girls to lead by refusing to call them “bossy.” Apparently, bossy has negative connotations that can hinder a young girl’s self-esteem and cause her to stay silent rather than be a leader. If you have not heard about it, feel free to browse the linked website above to learn more.
Personally, I do not align myself with this campaign. In fact, last Wednesday, I encouraged my oldest daughter not to be bossy (and yes, I used that word). When she asked me what bossy meant, I told her that it is an attitude one takes when they try to tell others what to do, when they want to control the situation, and they refuse to be a team player.
I don’t know if that is the actual definition, but it summed up perfectly her attitude. She was telling her other siblings what to do and when they didn’t comply she pouted and refused to participate. That, to me, is not leadership, but rather possessing a bully attitude. I want my daughter to have high self-esteem, but I want her to gain it by being selfless and putting others first. I want to teach her to be a leader who serves just as her Savior did. I don’t want her to refuse to interact with others simply because they aren’t playing by her rules. Such a hard concept to teach a five-year-old girl. As I was sharing my heart about this with her, I began to realize the behaviors and attitudes I was correcting in my daughter are the very ones I demonstrate in marriage.
I am a bossy wife!
I can bully my way around the house, insisting on my own way, and playing by my own rules. When my husband makes a decision, acts a certain way, or says something that goes against my own personal desires I refuse to compromise. Even without being aware of it, I insist on having things my way. All. The. Time.
At the very moment I had this startling revelation, my husband was on his way to pick up our dinner. Every couple of weeks we order a carry out pizza and, usually, choose the same toppings each time. On that particular day, however, I kept pouting that I didn’t want our normal choices. I insisted on the BBQ chicken pizza – something that Jason doesn’t even like. I had bossed my own desires onto the rest of the family: a perfect example of my daily attitude in marriage.
My bossiness can take on many forms: pouting, withholding affection, sharing my own opinions without restraint, giving stern looks, manipulating, creatively suggesting my preferences, and deep sighs of frustration (just to name a few).
Yes, I can be a bossy girl and that is not a good thing.
In God’s design for marriage, the man is to be a Christ-like leader who serve his bride sacrificially. A wife is to respond to her husband with gratitude and joy (the same attitude the Church has for Jesus and what did for us on the Cross). That beautiful picture of mutual submission (the husband to Christ and the wife to her groom) reflects the selfless and sacrificial love of Christ and the life change it brings to the Church. That is a godly marriage! There is no room for a bossy wife in that equation!
As a wife, I can choose to honor my husband or boss him, but I can’t do both.
I hinder God’s refining work in my life when I refuse to acknowledge my own shortcomings! And make no mistake, being a bossy wife is a weakness… not a strength!
Over the past couple of days, this truth has sunk in, and I have begun to see a broad scope of bossy tendencies in my own life. Then, in the shower, a sober realization hit me with the same strength as the warm water streaming down my face.
If I am bossy with my husband — am I bossy with God?
Do I insist on my own way? Do I try to rationalize and dismiss my sin? Do I creatively suggest what His divine agenda should be? Do I pout and withhold my worship when His ways are not my own ways? Yes, yes, yes, and yes!
Being a bossy child of God hinders my intimacy with my Creator.
So, while I don’t align myself with the Ban Bossy campaign, specifically. I do want to ban BEING bossy.
- I need to ban BEING bossy in my marriage.
- I want to ban BEING bossy in my relationship with the Lord.
- I want to ban BEING bossy from every area of my life
My prayer is that my leadership, friendship, and communication skills will improve when I ban BEING bossy. The best way to empower my daughter is to show her how to live a life of putting others first. Being a bossy wife will hurt her because I won’t be living up to my words. When I ban BEING bossy, I will not only bless my children, but my husband, as well. He will be free to lead rather than always answering to me. And, most importantly, banning BEING bossy in my walk with the Lord will strengthen my witness as His follower. He and I will grow closer when I do not have a hidden agenda.
Jen says
Oh, Darby, this is one I continue to struggle with, too. 🙂 Bossing is one of my weaknesses and the Lord is continually working in me to show how destructive this behavior can be not just in my marriage, but in all relationships. It’s really a source of pride to think I know better than anyone else the best way to do things. I really appreciate how you referred to the sort of bossiness you are discussing as a type of bully behavior. It helps to distinguish leading from bossing, I think.
darbyd says
Thank, Jen! I appreciate your comment. Yes, you nailed it… pride! Thanks for your insights. I do think there is a difference between leading and bossing. In fact, with the “Ban Bossy” campaign…. I am not against their point, but I think they use the wrong word. I think we should encourage leadership skills (especially if they come naturally) BUT it needs to be true, servant-leadership and not pushing your own agenda. If that makes sense.
Lisa says
Ouch! I’ve gotten better over the last few years, but this is something that I still have to watch out for. Jen is right–pride is the cause many times. Thanks for the reminder and reasons to keep a watch out for bossiness.
darbyd says
Thanks for your encouragement and sharing how you can relate, Lisa! I always appreciate your comments.
Sharon Mavis says
Great post! Thank you.
I am currently teaching a marriage class based on the book by Cloud and Townsend, Boundaries in Marriage. They write that a surefire way to destroy love and trust is control.
We have had a great discussion and it has been very enlightening to learn the different motivations people have to be controlling. One woman said that her husband would never try anything new if she didn’t “push” him. One husband said he knew better than his wife what was good for her. My husband said he is driven to be right!
I think all of us in the class have learned a lot about “bossiness” and “control.” Thanks for the post.
darbyd says
Thank you, Sharon, for reading and sharing your wisdom. Your class sounds amazing! I do love the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend, but have yet to read the Boundaries in Marriage… must add that to my list.
Thanks so much!
Andrew Budek-Schmeisser says
This is my first visit, referred from “Messy Marriage”. I’ll be back. I did try to subscribe by email, but it doesn’t seem to be enabled on Feedburner?
This is a very brave post, and you’ve been selfless to help others, to the point of outlining your own failings.
I’d like to suggest a distinction – using ‘bossy’ as a description of a desire to improve the common good, and ‘bullying’ for forcing a means to one’s selfishly desired ends.
I live with a bossy female. She’s my service dog, a Red Heeler named Ladron. Aside from PTSD, I have an illness that is slowly killing me, and is exhausting to fight on a daily basis. Ladron’s job is to monitor my activity, and make sure I don’t overexert. When I do, she gets mad, and bossy, and will nip my heels (as if I were a cow) to get me to sit down and rest.
She doesn’t have a personal agenda – she wants me to feel as good as I can, and knows when I’m not doing well, and she will stop at nothing to get her way – which is for my benefit.
An example of ‘bullying’ I recently saw was in a friend who forgot to get his golf clubs out of the car after taking in the groceries…and chose to canonize himself, saying that he’d forgotten to take care of himself because he was busy taking care of everyone else. In other words – “I’m so great and selfless, you MUST see that!”
Sheesh. Dude, you got distracted and forgot the bag. Get a grip.
darbyd says
Welcome, Andrew. Glad you stopped by! I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. True, my definition of bossy, in this post, is certainly more of a “bullying” approach… that is important to note. I will be praying for you and your health! Again, thanks for stopping by!
Adrie | ALittleWifesHappyLife says
Oh, oh yes.
I am bossy.
I’ve always been bossy, even as a little girl. I try to control situations and people- and I’m learning how to overcome that to be a good wife, leader, and follower of God. And it’s hard. I totally agree with the commenter above- being bossy is about control, and learning to give up that control is difficult, but necessary if we’re to fully trust Him!
darbyd says
Hi Adrie! Thanks for commenting! Yes, control (and pride) is huge and I think you both are wise for pointing that out, because until we deal with the root of our bossiness, we won’t ever change. I am so glad for your wisdom and input on this subject!