Last week my husband and I got into a “discussion” – it is the same discussion we have been having for almost six months now! You know the type, where one specific topic is a “hot button” for both of you. In our scenario, Jason feels led in one direction while I feel led in the opposite direction. He wants to go one way while I want to run in the other. (It makes for some fun discussions, ha.)
We have been praying for God to lead us to the same place, but for now, He has remained silent. And that’s okay. We are learning many things as we wait for the Lord to call us in the direction of His choosing. I now have a better understanding of my confrontation style and God has been revealing idols in my life. I also have come to the painful conclusion that I “check out” in our marriage.
If you had asked me two weeks ago if I had ever emotionally checked out of my marriage- I would have vehemently denied it. I would have spewed facts about how harmful that is for the couple and how that emotional response should never be in a marriage. I would have answered no, but the truth is, I do. After our discussion last week, I was frustrated and didn’t want to think anymore. I couldn’t wait to go upstairs and turn on my favorite show, 24 (while it might be off the air, I own the entire collection and have never grown tired of watching it). As I settled into my chair I realized, in that moment, that I was emotionally detaching from reality.
I never considered that vegging out in front of my favorite show was unhealthy for my marriage (my body, yes, but my marriage?!). I would have thought reading a romance novel, playing the comparison game, or watching a fairy tale (or anything more whimsical than a man torturing a terrorist) might be signs I was pushing pause on my emotions and my marriage… those would have been red flags. But 24?! I never connected the dots.
It is my heart and my motivation behind something that makes all the difference. I wasn’t going up to watch TV because I wanted to. I was going upstairs to escape. I wanted to think of anything but what we had just been discussing. I wanted to do something mind numbing in order to ignore the emotional white elephant in my heart. I wanted to get lost in the inner working of a fictional government because it was safe. I was using that as a vehicle to check out of my marriage.
I’ve heard it said that women don’t compartmentalize like men do. Perhaps that true, perhaps I don’t compartmentalize, but I do ignore. I sometimes become numb in my thinking and emotions. I turn on a pointless show in order to temporarily put off being present in a painful moment. That is dangerous for a marriage because the truth is:
something doesn’t have to appear destructive to be destructive.
Destructive items I can name that are used as in escape in marriage might be alcohol, shopping, comparisons, emotional affairs, online chats with an ex, pornography, etc. Those I would steer clear of, but reality is that destruction can come in forms that seem innocent. The Bible tells us that the Devil masquerades as an angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:14) and while something might seem innocent: a favorite (clean) TV show, working out, eating ice cream, cleaning, focusing on a hobby such as scrapbooking or playing the piano, etc. The truth is, if you are using them as a means to avoid your husband, forget about a confrontation, or simply just to check out and be numb for a little bit – then the innocent becomes destructive.
This was eye opening for me as I realize how often I do this.
I prayed and asked the Lord what He would like to see me do in these situations. Rather than tuning out, He told me to dig in. To fight. To fight on my knees. To fight through my emotions. To fight over how I spend my time. When things are challenging, when emotions are raw, that is the time to dig in not run away. If I make a pattern of checking out when things are bad – eventually I will begin checking out when things are good. It is a slippery slope and one I don’t want to be on. This pattern doesn’t please the Lord, doesn’t communicate respect to my husband, and can be catastrophic to a marriage. Starting today, when I’m tempted with the desire to distract myself … I need to hit my knees, dig in, and fight! It is best for my husband and my marriage! It is the choice I want to make.
Do you check out? What vehicles in your life do you use to escape? Will you join me in engaging rather than avoiding?
Kim Hawkins says
My check out used to be online games or games on my phone. Glad to report I no longer do either. It was an escape and it was not healthy for our relationship. There are so many more ways to work through conflicts. Very insightful blog post. Thanks for sharing!
darbyd says
Thanks for commenting! How inspiring that online games are no longer your escape! I will think of you when I’m fighting the urge to check out! 🙂
Phil says
Great post! Shared it on our Facebook marriage ministry page. We love your writing. https://www.facebook.com/marriagepressurepoints
darbyd says
Thank you for the kind words and for sharing! I appreciate both!
Becca says
Thank you for this post. I didn’t realize how much I do this. I watch t.v. in the other room, pinterest, or go to my craft room. All harmless, but the feelings behind them weren’t. Thank you again.
darbyd says
I so understand… harmless actions with the wrong motives become harmful! Thankful my mistakes were beneficial to you! Thanks for commenting!