Truth: The days in marriage when I feel most “in -love” with my husband are the times it is easiest to dwell on his strengths. Likewise, those days when I am frustrated with my husband, it is easy for my mind to focus on all the areas I believe him to have faults.
Last week, I found myself frustrated with Jason and within a matter of minutes my thoughts spiraled out of control as I made a mental list of all the areas where I felt my husband was being selfish:
- Our local science museum is a hosting movie nights this summer where they are showing classics such as The Princess Bride and Jurassic Park on their IMAX screen. I mentioned to Jason, twice, that I would like to go, and he voiced, twice, that he had no interest. His selfishness struck me, so I dwelled on it and held it against him.
- After the children had gone to bed, I had high (unspoken) hopes of watching a movie with my husband. When I ask him what his plans for the evening hours were, he shared with me his desire to spend time in his music studio (which doesn’t exactly include time with me). His selfishness struck me, so I dwelled on it and held it against him.
- Jason grew tired during the day and wanted to take a nap. I played the “victim card” and made myself into martyr because I, too, was tired and wanted to take a nap, but couldn’t because he was sleeping and, well, someone had to watch the children. His selfishness struck me, so I dwelled on it and held it against him.
I replayed Jason’s self-centered moments over and over in my mind. For two days, I was grumpy and short-tempered with him because, with every decision he made and every word he spoke, all I could see was his selfishness. As we were outside playing with the children, I asked him if he wanted to take a family walk. He said no, that playing baseball in the yard should be our family activity. I immediately found myself rolling my eyes and grumbling,
Ugh! He is so selfish!!
At that moment, the Lord very clearly spoke into my heart a truth that made me (quite literally) stop in my tracks. He said, “Darby, when you complain, ‘He is so selfish.’ What you are saying is ‘I am so selfish.’ You complain that it is always about what your husband wants, but really what you mean is ‘Why can’t it be all about what I want?!'”
Talk about a humbling moment.
When the Lord reveals to you a sin… it is hard to deny to justify your behavior. I sat, humbled, at the truth of His conviction. I was frustrated with Jason for “being selfish” because I can’t control my own selfishness. Jason never demonstrated evil intent behind his words or behaviors, but I couldn’t see that because I focused on the fact I had to deviate from my own desires.
- I thought an IMAX movie would be a fun date night, but I didn’t take into account that my husband, as long as I have known him, does not enjoy watching a movie more than once. All of those old-favorites of mine would have been repeats for him and something he wouldn’t enjoy.
- I wanted to spend quality time with my husband after the children went to bed, but I didn’t consider that my husband is not a mind reader and may not have known my desires. I didn’t pause to think about how he worked all day, came home and played with the children, and how he, as an introvert, might desire a moment to himself to do things he enjoys (or that he may have things he needed to do such as pay bills or send e-mails).
- I am a mother, which requires that I am at peace with being tired. Rather than growing upset with Jason for wanting a nap, I should understand his desire and consider it a privilege to gift him with a nap as a simple way to express my love.
Now, I realize, that there are some husbands out there who are incredibly selfish. Their actions are painful to their entire family and, for that, there is no excuse. If that is your case, please don’t assume I am calling you selfish because I am not. I can only speak for myself and the marriage that I am in. Your case may be different, but for me, the Lord made it clear that in my moments of frustration, I need to realize that Jason is no more selfish than I am.
If I would gouge out my own selfishness with the same zeal that I want to gouge out my husband’s selfishness, imagine the freedom from anger I would experience and the grace I would be able to show my husband! If I focused less on myself, my wants, and my way – I would be able to see how my husband isn’t the selfish monster that I sometimes make him out to be. I must remember that being frustrated with my husband’s selfishness is truly a mirror to my own selfishness.
Do you ever blame your husband for your own selfishness?
Linking up with: Motivation Monday, Wedded Wednesday and Wholehearted Wednesday.
The Baby Mama says
This is so beautifully written, and so true. Thank the Good Lord above He doesn’t leave us alone – He is constantly involved in our lives, even when we don’t see it.
darbyd says
Thank you! I appreciate your kind words. And yes, the Lord is good.
Amanda says
Darby, I don’t know how you do it (must be a God thing!), but this is the 2nd week in a row where your post has hit home, and hard. I’m so thankful for your transparency, your willingness to share your heart, and your faithfulness to our Father!
darbyd says
It truly must be a God-thing! 🙂 I can take no credit for anything good that comes from the blog. Thank you for your encouragement… It serves as a confirmation to me that I am doing what He asks of me… even though I would rather not always share my faults. Thank you!
Julie says
This spoke to me, but in a different way. I think I am super selfish when it comes to my dealings with my kids. I play the martyr all the time with them. I get so frustrated that they don’t appreciate anything I do, they don’t understand when I am sick and cut me some slack…they want me hands on all the time and I get burnt out and blame them for being so needy and angry at them for taking so much of my time/attention.
I have the most unselfish husband alive. He always says “whatever you want” and truly means it. He does what I want to even when he doesn’t want to do it. I have to go out of my way to make sure I offer him an out…like this weekend when the kids wanted to go to the pool again and I could tell he didn’t want to go again…so I offered to take them alone and of course he said “whatever you want” and I responded that is what I wanted. Now, my selfish desire would be to have him come with us to spend time as a family and to help me with the kids but I have to consciously need to make sure I anticipate his wants so that I am not always so selfish. It is a work in progress!
darbyd says
Thanks for sharing, Julie! Glad you can relate… even if it is a different situation! 🙂 We are ALL works in progress, but that’s a good thing. 🙂 Hope you are having a good day.
Kim Adams Morgan says
Hi Darby, Stopping in from Messy Marriage where you are my neighbor this week. What a great post. Very convicting, and yes, this does happen to me. God reveals sin to me when I am frustrated about something or someone else. It is all an opportunity to grow closer to Christ and become more like Him. A journey, for sure.
darbyd says
Hi Kim! So glad you stopped by and that you can relate to the post. Hopefully we can continue to connect. 🙂
Heather B says
Amen! I’m the queen of selfish. Always need to be reminded that God is sufficient for me and I am responsible for me, my sin and feelings! I just finished reading a great new book. I was resistant to read it at first because I thought why should one more thing in my marriage be my responsibility? (selfishness) But after reading it, I have a new perspective. I think you would enjoy called “The Wholehearted Wife: 10 Keys to a More Loving Relationship,” by Erin, Greg and Gary Smalley. It helped me understand that I need to change me, and that is my greatest influence on my marriage relationship. Biblical, inspirational, affirming. One of my favorite quotes is, “When we turn to God for help, he fills us with his love and enables us to see ourselves and our husbands through his eyes. Keep in mind that a wholehearted wife focuses first on her own heart!” I highly recommend this book!
darbyd says
That book sounds WONDERFUL! Certainly something I need to read… I love books, so thanks for suggesting. 🙂
Mitzi says
Just stopping by from Motivation Monday– I am loving your posts– have you been reading my mind? Your words are so relevant and needed. Look forward to reading more.
darbyd says
So glad we connected, Mitzi! Thank you for your encouragement… the Lord is asking me to write and I would rather not, so your words mean so much! Blessings!
normaleverydaylife says
I’m guilty of this type of thing. Mostly of expecting my husband to be a mind reader. He’s usually more than willing to do what I want if I’ll just say something. Thanks for linking up to Motivational Monday!
darbyd says
Yes, I struggle with the “why isn’t my husband a mind-reader” too! Thank you for reading and commenting!
Amber says
Love this! I, honestly, was just getting irritated with my husband because he went to take a nap & I could totally use one!! So definitely a message that stepped on my toes!
Jennifer says
Wow. Thank you for posting this. I definitely needed to read this today. I am so glad that I have found your website.
Leslie says
Hi Darby, this is my first visit to your beautiful blog! First off, thank you for writing so candidly! These kinds of blog communities are the places I can come and feel at home while gaining some insight and leaving me with food for thought:). I love my husband of (almost!) 10 years passionately, but I am guilty of this same thing too often. I need to examine my heart and bring this issue to God for help! I’ll be back to read more soon. 🙂
Blessings,
Leslie
darbyd says
Hey Leslie! Welcome to my blog! 🙂 Thank you for your encouragement… It is truly a confirmation from God that I am writing as He asks. I hope that we can keep connecting… I’m going to check out your blog too!