Jason has been under a lot of pressure recently. My normally “cool and calm” husband has been edgy and grumpy. And while I want to spend this time highlighting his bad attitude or offering a list of all the ways I have tried to lift his spirits, the honest truth is that I have not done a very good job loving and praying him through this season. My retaliatory nature has come out in full force, so I have been either withdrawing or matching his attitude. (FYI, I don’t recommend this approach.)
Last weekend I reached the end of my rope. While I never verbalized it, inwardly I was throwing my hands up saying, “Fine! If you don’t lead this family in the right direction, I will.” Normally Jason is an incredible leader, but this month has been difficult for him. It is almost as if he is leading us to the feet of stress instead of to the feet of our Savior. In true martyr-like fashion, I figured it was up to me to model faithfulness to our children.
It didn’t take very long before the Lord reminded me that he designed men to be the head of the house.
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church… ~ Ephesians 5:23
But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. ~ 1 Corinthians 11:3
As I tried to rationalize my thoughts with the Lord, He further drove home his point by leading to me several different Bible stories. Each one was an example of a woman who, at her wits end, figured it was up to her to lead their family in the right direction.
- Eve– wanting to be like God, she ate from the forbidden fruit and then offered some to her husband (Genesis 3).
- Sarai – While waiting with her husband for the prophecy of a future offspring, she grew impatient and told her husband to sleep with her maidservant to fulfill God’s Promise (Genesis 16).
- Rebecca – Wanting her younger son to inherit the family blessing from her first born, she helped Jacob deceive his father, her husband (Genesis 27).
- Queen Jezebel – She used her husband, King Ahab, to carry out her murderous and hateful schemes (1 Kings 16- 2 Kings 9).
Did any of those examples turn out well?
No!
When Wives Lead, Destruction Usually Follows!
Just as Eve carried on a discussion with the serpent on whether of not she should eat the fruit, I too took the bait. Did God really say you could never lead? What about when your husband isn’t leading as well as you could? What is leadership anyway? Don’t you have a voice? The more I dialogued with the Evil One, the less I encouraged my husband or prayed for him. Instead, I made decisions and plotted to carry them out. I grew angry as I expected Jason to answer to me and work under my timeline.
My husband is the God-appointed spiritual leader, whether or not I like the job he is doing.
The idea that I can lead our family better than my husband is a lie from Satan that I need to dismiss immediately instead of contemplating. No man is perfect, and almost all will go through a season (or two) where they aren’t living up the high standard God has set for them as the leader. But, that is between them and God. As wives, it is our job to make sure we stand before God with the confidence of having lived out Biblical wifehood regardless of our husband’s decisions.
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. ~ Proverbs 31:10-12
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. ~ Colossians 3:18
…and let the wife see that she respects her husband. ~Ephesians 5:33b
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. ~ 1 Peter 3:1-4
There is a reason God did not place me in charge of my husband. In His infinite wisdom, he has created me to be a wife! My role is to be a helper and lover to my husband, not his critic or mother. While it isn’t often, the times when our marriage seems to experience a drought, I have always blamed Jason’s lack of leadership. Today I am admitting that perhaps my Scriptural disobedience is the actual catalyst!
Do you ever struggle with the temptation to take over the spiritual leadership in your marriage?
darby dugger
Sharing with the Grace and Truth Link-Up
Crystal says
I understand what you are saying, but what about when your husband isn’t leading at all? He is in what I am calling a crisis of faith and I pray for him(I know I should pray more) but he doesn’t want to attend church, read the bible, do anything other than play video games. We have two young children. I don’t want them to grow up without church and I am a believer, so I take them to church alone for the most part. My husband and I make decisions for our finances and other stuff together but he doesn’t like to talk about spiritual stuff. He doesn’t have a problem with us going to church as long as I don’t expect him to go. I’m not wanting to lead, but it seems to be my only choice.
Darby Dugger says
Hi Crystal! Thanks for leaving a comment. You are right… when a husband isn’t a believer at all, that is a little bit different. While it may be “up to you” to take your children to church or lead family devotions… you can still put yourself under your husband’s authority in any area where he doesn’t ask you to go against God’s will… and if he allows you to go to church (and take the children) then just thank him for that. Praise what you can, pray for everything else, and as the verse in first peter states, let him be won over by your actions… not your words. I think in situations like that, its best to remember that it is up to God to change/convict/save your husband… not you. Hopefully that takes some pressure off. Not sure if any of this was helpful, but I am praying for you and your husband.
Lisanne Grey says
Thanks Darby!! THis advice was helpful for me as well. It sounds like Crystal and I are in similar situations. Fortunately I have no young children to observe my husband’s lack of leadership. It can be disheartening , so the advice is welcomed.
Alex Casabella says
I struggle with this a lot, so what do you recommend? I know prayer but anything else? Maybe I’m not recognizing how powerful and important prayer is.
Thanks for the post!
Alex
Darby Dugger says
Hey Alex! Yes, prayer is huge… more because when I pray, God shows me MY areas of weakness rather than allowing me to whine about my husband’s. I would also just go back to a classic piece of marriage advice “Feelings Follow Actions” — I may not feel like submitting, or keeping my mouth quiet, or even to be happy when he’s grumpy… but if I chose to act that way, eventually my feelings will follow. Other than that, its just a daily battle with the flesh. Hope that helps! Thanks for leaving a comment.
Keri Underwood says
Such wise and helpful words! I really enjoyed this. As I am getting ready to be married in August (yay!) I am also nervous about this because I tend to be a control freak. God has been working on my heart and has really softened my heart to allow me to let Josh lead. I pray that this will continue into marriage as we face life changes and adjustments. Thank you for your words of encouragement today!
http://www.littlelightonahill.com
Darby Dugger says
Thanks, Keri! I totally understand when you say “control freak.” Ha. Will be praying for your upcoming marriage. So exciting!!!
Nichole Wilson says
Awesome post! This is a great reminder to us all of the Biblical importance of our family roles. Thanks for sharing such beautiful insight!
Lisanne Grey says
Thank you for sharing this struggle. I know this is a real issue for beleiving wives everywhere. For me personally it is an even greater struggle when my husband lacks any real substance of a true submitted relationship to Christ. In an unequally yoked marriage this struggle grows exponentially. The key for me is to remember my response is my responsibilty and regardless of my husbands position before the Lord I must make sure I am a wife unto the Lord before anything else. Not easy, trust me, but with the power of the Holy Spirit a very do-able practice.
Darby Dugger says
Yes, you said it perfectly when you said that your response is your responsibility. Amen. And yes, not easy. 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
Alison [Life of Scoop] says
This is such an important post for ALL wives to read. Even if our bent isn’t normally to take charge, I still believe it’s easy for us to take over & believe that our way is best. And yes, the temptation to lead when our husbands aren’t doing so is even greater. I believe it is so essential for wives to rest at the feet of Jesus rather than looking to our husbands for that sort of fulfillment. Even when they do not lead, we can trust that God is working in their hearts & growing them into His likeness – the perfect leader.
I found you via Grace & Truth! Thanks for sharing truth & encouraging godly marriages!
Darby Dugger says
Thanks, Alison! You described it so perfectly… if we wives would sit at the feet of Jesus more often… resting there… imagine the positive impacts that would make in all of our marriages! Thanks for sharing. So glad you stopped by! 🙂
Aimee Imbeau says
Ahhh…yes, the battle that has been going on since the beginning of time…literally…the wife tries to take over for the husband. Been there, done that. You mentioned something right at the beginning…you weren’t praying for your hubby. I wrote a post recently – 7 reasons to pray for your husband – and this was one of my biggest points – if you are not praying for him regularly – dare I even say daily – then you have no business complaining about his leadership! As wives, we are partly to blame for the lack of leadership if we are not fervently praying for our men. I am so glad you are realizing this truth, sister! It is so important in marriage!! Thanks for linking up and sharing your transparency on Grace and Truth.