I am no fashionista… in fact, putting an outfit together takes more effort and stress than I care to admit. So, you can imagine my surprise when I found a dress at Target that I truly liked. In the fitting room, I quickly imagined myself wearing that dress with some white leggings I had seen at another store only the day before. So proud of my fashion find, I confidently grabbed a bottle of matching blue nail polish before checking out. That following Saturday night, I painted my toes to go with the stylish dress and leggings I had laid out. (Do you realize that this was going to be the first Sunday morning (in the history of ever) where I had my outfit ready to go?!)
Fast forward to Sunday morning… I quickly put on my dress and then asked my husband the usual, “How do I look?” His response was less than desirable… he asked if I had it on backwards!
Let me take a brief minute to introduce you to my husband. His name is Jason, and he is the sweetest and most genuine person I have ever met. He never says things with the intent to hurt. He was honestly asking me if I had the dress on backwards because of a cut out in the front which he isn’t used to seeing (at least not on anything I wear… again I am not stylish). He continued to say that he liked the dress, but was a little “thrown off” by the said cut out.
At that moment, I had two choices:
- Be grateful that he took the time to look and tell me the truth when I asked him what he thought. I so often wonder if he says, “you look great” without even looking at what I have on, and this was proof that he answers my question honestly rather than routinely... that deserves a celebration! I could take his comment in stride and explain that the dress was on properly. I could remember that my husband said nothing with ill intent and make sure my response was equally as innocent.
- I could pout. I could dramatically act like his response hurt my feelings and then quickly change my outfit and say a snide comment such as, “well I don’t want to wear an outfit people will think I have on backwards.” I could mope about, making sure to point out that my blue toenails don’t match my 2nd choice for an outfit. I could offer to return the dress altogether.
Guess which option I chose?!
That’s Right… option number 2.
If you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you are familiar with my policy of sharing my mistakes. Occasionally, I will post a marriage tip or highlight my correct choices, but for the majority of my writing, I avoid that. Writing about my own weaknesses has been my style since the publication of my devotional and I hope it always remains so. There are plenty of other bloggers out there where one can go to for advice and inspiration. I, on the other hand, am a place readers can go to learn what not to do. Don’t do option number 2!
Can I be brutally honest with you? I didn’t pout because my husband had hurt my feelings. Nor did I pout because I was disappointed about his response to the dress.
I pouted to control him.
I knew my husband didn’t mean anything by his “is it backwards?” question. I believed him when he said the dress looked good. But, I opted to pout, change my clothes, and make snide remarks because I knew that would make him feel worse about his response and thus, he might try to make it up to me. Talk about selfishness! In fact, I even had an inner dialogue with myself that entire morning about why I shouldn’t be pouting and yet I chose to anyway.
I chose wrong… all. morning. long.
Do you ever find yourself trying to control your husband? Perhaps you seek your control through withholding sex or bringing up past mistakes… Maybe you master in snide remarks, the silent treatment, or ugly facial expressions as a way to get a desired response. I have been known to try all of those, but pouting is, by far, my “go-to” method. When I don’t act angry, but rather hurt, my husband tends to give me more attention and thus I have been successful in controlling him.
This speaks poorly of me… not of him!
I don’t want to be a wife who is controlling. That isn’t God’s original plan for women whom He created to be their husband’s helpmate. The desire to control my husband stems from my sinful nature, but that excuse doesn’t justify the behavior. I want the Lord to be pleased by my actions and the motivations behind them! I want to honor my husband in my motivations as well. If that is truly my desire, I must confess my controlling tendencies to the Lord… and to my husband (and publicly on the blog). I must strive to love my husband so deeply that I quit trying to control him with my pouting.
“All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the LORD.” ~Proverbs 16:2So thankful the Lord made me aware of my controlling motives through that simple Target dress!
Helene says
I appreciate your honestly. Until I read this I never thought of my own pouting as a control mechanism but it is! Thanks!
darbyd says
Glad my story was helpful! Thanks for reading and commenting!
Heather says
((thumbs up)), and likewise to Helene’s comment. Thank you for using your difficult and not so pleasing moments to help your sisters to only become better and more enlightened. You are a blessing. 🙂 I appreciate transparency! BLESS YOU! I think your outfit was cute, by the way!
darbyd says
Thank you, Heather! Appreciate your kind words and for approving the dress. 🙂
Anna @thisperfectmess says
Great post, Darby! I’ve definitely been guilt of using “the pout”. Thank you for being so open and honest in your blog. And, by the way, I think your outfit is totally cute!
darbyd says
Thank you, Anna! Glad you could relate… that darn “pout” is such an easy default! Ha. And thanks for the compliment on the dress! 🙂
Debi - The Romantic Vineyard says
I’m so glad I found your blog through the MM link-up on Wednesdays. It is refreshing to read a blog about real life in marriage. We all need to hear the good and positive ways of doing things, but to find someone who is willing to let us get close enough to see the mistakes? Now that’s a powerful blog. I couldn’t agree with you more about how conniving we as wives can be towards our husband. I have often done the same thing, but I don’t think I connected the dots to it being a control issue. Powerful! Thank you so much.
darbyd says
I am so glad that we have connected! Thank you for the feature… and for your encouraging words! Thank you!
Beth says
Oh, yeah, I’ve been there and done that, Darby! That used to be my typical M.O. However, my husband never gave me the response that I wanted when I did this. So at some point I realized I was only “banging my head against a wall” whenever I tried to manipulate him. Now, I don’t want you to think that I’m free of this negative tactic. I feel the temptation to do it just about every time I’m hurt by my hubby. And it’s been quite a journey to learn new behaviors that communicate my hurt but don’t punish my husband in the process, but I’m getting there ever so slowly! I really appreciate your vulnerability here, Darby. It’s refreshing and tells me you are really proactive and growing stronger with each mistake you admit! Great post!
darbyd says
Hi Beth! Welcome back. And how encouraging to read you have overcome the pout maneuver! Will keep that in mind as temptations comes!
christa sterken says
Wow! This is an awesome, honest and refreshing post. Oh, and convicting. Felt like you were telling my story. I can’t wait to share this post…
darbyd says
Thank you for the encouraging words and for sharing!
Scott says
Control comes in many subtle forms. Thanks for your vulnerability with this post.
darbyd says
It sure does! Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
Bonnie says
So good! Thanks for sharing!
darbyd says
Thank you! Appreciate your comment!
Crystal Green says
Talk about a slap to my face…. I tend to be a controlling wife and mother. I like to control everything that I can. I’ve tried over the years to be less controlling because I see from how someone else in our family acts the side effects that happen as a result of being a control freak.
No offense, but I can see why he responded the way he did because it was my first initial reaction to the dress too.Like you, I’m not a fashion queen either by any means. In fact, I couldn’t EVER tell you what’s in style right now unless I did a Swagbuck search on it. However, with all of that being said, you do look really good in the outfit!
I have totally enjoyed reading your blogs today. I look forward to getting to know you in 2014 and beyond.
darbyd says
I am a controller too. I’m working on it, though. The worst is when I try to control God because, well, that never ends well. 🙂 And, HA. No offense taken- glad to know my husband isn’t alone! 🙂
lisa says
Found your blog from someone’s post on FB. Wow…..this area of wanting to control is my worst weakness! I needed to be reminded of how I must turn this over to God.
I know you from Southeast. I think we sat at the same table one week
at a parenting class. I really like your blog. I Just started one myself.
Thanks for challenging us to be better wives.
Lisa Preuett
darbyd says
Hi Lisa! So glad you found the blog! I will have to check out yours! Control is a big struggle for me too! Glad you can relate.
Yes, I know who you are! You and your husband volunteer at the child check-in center that we usually use! 🙂 Look forward to connecting more!
Emily says
Never saw this post! Definitely convicting for sure. I think I’ve probably used “the pout” among other things to manipulate him, but I never recognized it for what it was. Awesome post!
darbyd says
Thank you for reading and commenting.
Mary Wood says
I know my husband never intends to hurt my feelings. But he does sometimes. I don’t pout. I simply tell him that what he has said is hurtful to me. Then we talk about it and it’s done. This is called communication and it is a good thing in a marriage. Hiding our feelings and acting like everything is fine when we are hurting inside is not mentally or physically healthy.
abby says
Um. Yep. This is me. God has been pointing this out to me regularly recently. The word He has been using is manipulative. I try all kinds of ways, do all kinds of things–most things sometimes–specifically to elicit the response I want from him. Ugh. Thanks for sharing that I’m not the only one. It encourages me to surrender more to Christ and let HIM control my husband!
Naomi Faria says
I tried to subscribe to your blog, but a message popped up from FeedBurner that said this site is not supported by email, or something like that…. if there is another way to sign up for your blog please let me know.
Darby Dugger says
Hm, I’m so sorry about that. I will try to manually add you in. You should hopefully receive an email asking you to confirm your subscription. If I have any trouble I will let you know. Thank you!
Darby Dugger says
I added you and then received this message, “Please check your inbox for a verification message from “FeedBurner Email Subscriptions”, the service that delivers email subscriptions for Darby Dugger. You will need to click a link listed in this message to activate your subscription. If you don’t see a confirmation e-mail in a reasonable amount of time please check your bulk/spam folder.” — If you can’t find it please let me know. Thanks again.
Lynette Chaska says
I have been guilty of using “pouting” to get what I want from my husband. So, Lord please forgive me for trying to control my spouse through unwise means. I am by means a perfect human, and I want what I want. This post helped me realize that as far as I have come in my walk with the Lord, I still have a lot to work on. So, a big thank you!! I also want to say, as gentle as a man can be….. You are perfect in the eyes of the Lord! And the outfit was great! There was no need to change it. You shine in a way that makes most things seem dull. I get caught in too much sometimes and forget to read everything you send, but the things I do are usually just what I need in that moment. God speaks through you. So listen to this sister when I say that you are more beautiful than your clothes. And that you do have a sense of style. Have a wonderful New Year finding your style!