Over the past several months, as I have written about before, I am struggling to maintain my writing ministry with the quality and continuity that it deserves. However, I’ve been seeking and striving for my will and not the Lord’s. I still want to blog, to grow my online audience, and to write another book. I have huffed and puffed to the Lord as He has been transitioning my season of ministry from an online platform whose primary form is the written word to more face-to-face mentoring, discipleship, and teaching/speaking roles.
In my exasperation, the Lord quieted me with Psalm 127:1,
Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain.
I’ve been laboring in vain as I’ve been trying to build a ministry,
but I also labor in vain in my marriage.
I don’t like to think of myself as a controlling person, but the truth of the matter is, I love to direct the flow of everything in my life. Like a master chess player who studies the board and can see every possible move that my opponent or I can make, I feel empowered when I know what to expect. I get a high from getting the results I prepared for and predicted.
Years ago, my husband and I argued for 18 months because we had differing visions for our family. During that time, I began pestering and belittling him about the direction he thought our family should go. I thought he was wrong and minced no words in telling him that “fact.” Instead of trusting God to work on his heart, I complained about his choices and criticized his every thought. Pride grew in my heart causing it to become hard towards the Lord’s will. I merely wanted my way.
I decided it was up to me to create the family I always wanted,
but I was laboring in vain because it wasn’t the Lord’s doing.
I didn’t want to conform my will to the Lord’s, so I convinced myself that my plans were the same as His. But they weren’t. The Lord wanted me to release control and surrender my dreams to Him, but I wasn’t letting go of what I wanted. I labored for months trying to build my perfect little family, but my efforts were futile and in the long run, harmful.
I was exhausting myself when all I needed to do was trust God. After 18 months, the Lord made it clear to me that my battle wasn’t really with my husband, but it was with Him. I had to surrender my dreams to Him and trust Him to lead us to where He wanted our family to be. When I stopped laboring in vain, my faith and our marriage began to thrive.
Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands. ~ Proverbs 14:1
No longer was I being foolish and tearing down my house, but instead, I began building what the Lord was asking me to develop. He asked me to build respect for my husband, integrity with my children, and a prayer life that asked for a teachable spirit.
Old habits die hard, though, and I still find myself at times trying to build my own house.
Whether it is about raising our children, volunteering at church, or deciding on priorities, I’m often designing the blueprints for what I want and then quickly starting to build. It’s like I forget the lesson God taught me about how pointless it is to labor in vain. Being exasperated and exhausted are symptoms that I’ve been trying to build something on my own.
I want to be a wife, mother, and woman who trusts the Lord to design my family and ministry. That I use His blueprints rather than make my own. I allow Him to build my life, walking in obedience to only what He is asking me to do. Not assuming it’s up to me to develop and finalize. Not taking on the pressure to produce a perfect outcome. Simply to trust, obey, worship, and rejoice. It sounds simple enough to write but harder to execute in real life because it means turning over control and no longer striving for what I want. As hard as that is in my flesh, it is easier to live out than when I build in vain.
In what areas are you laboring in vain?
darby dugger
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Cheryl says
I really needed to hear this. Lots of ongoing struggles in my life right now. Time to get
serious about turning things over to God.
Darby Dugger says
Thanks for sharing that, Cheryl! Praying for you right now.
Katie says
Darby, Thanks for sharing so candidly about a time where you were seeking the Lord but still trying to have it your way. And for sharing that it is easy to slip back into old habits.
Lately I have been exhausted, but I am not sure what I’m laboring for except more energy to care for my family & do my daily jobs both at home & at my work – trying to care for those the Lord has given to me. But as I thought that, I was struck with the thought that maybe I’m still seeking too much accolade for myself in that caring, instead as a ministry or service to the Lord. I’ll be honest, discernment is not one of my gifts.
I struggle to give up control, I do know that. I like predictable outcomes & step by step instructions on how to achieve said outcomes. But lacking the strength/energy & time to even do the steps (read the Bible, pray, study the Bible, rest, etc.) are quite frustrating.
Thank you for the calendar, perhaps I can make that my starting point. Blessings to you & your family & ministry.
Darby Dugger says
Thanks for being real and sharing your thoughts, Katie. I will certainly be praying for the Lord to make it clear if your focus is wrong, and to for Him to increase your energy and strength to do your tasks. I so appreciate your encouragement and taking the time to leave a comment. Blessings to you too!