I live by a double standard.
My husband called to tell me he was on his way home from work. For whatever reason—perhaps the long day or lack of sleep from the night before—my short and snotty responses clearly portrayed my annoyance with him. Our conversation came to an abrupt stop when I told him I had to go after he began to question my attitude.
Ten minutes later I texted him an apology.
My insincere apology was halfhearted at best. I knew I had no grounds for my attitude, and I wanted to say I was sorry, but my pride prevented me from calling him or waiting until he got home so I could look at him in the eyes. Instead I settled for a quick five-word text, hoping that everything would be forgotten.
And it was, at least by my husband, but I continued to replay my cowardly actions. If the roles had been reversed, I can guarantee you that a cop-out texted apology would not fly with me.
I live by a double standard.
I often ask my husband questions for which I have already daydreamed his responses. Because I want him to be vulnerable, I choose my questions wisely, imagining that he will launch into a tearful confession of his deepest secrets and sin struggles. When he turns my suspicious questions around and wants me to answer them, I shut down and give a two-word answer because I don’t want to share MY struggles with him.
I live by a double standard.
I believe that I have every right to snoop through his phone, wallet, and e-mails, but my pride flares up at the thought of him going through mine. I require him to be accountable to me but can’t accept being accountable to him. I can suggest proper ways to unload the dishwasher, but he can’t propose I try it his way. I can poke fun at him in public, but he must not retaliate. We can both be exhausted, but I am the only one allowed to take a nap on the couch. Without even being aware of it, I have a set of rules that apply to him that I refuse to align myself with. Talk about hypocritical and ridiculous.
The Lord detests double standards of every kind. ~ Proverbs 20:10 (NLT)
My arrogance and pride are played out daily through my double standard. He is willing to comply in the name of unity, but since I won’t participate, I am standing in the way of our growth. It is time for my husband and me to collaborate to define one standard that we both strive to live by!
Do you ever live by a double standard?
Sharing with Wedded Wednesday and Wifey Wednesday.
Gina Sena says
Oh Darby, this is so true! I catch myself doing it too! I don’t like that part of me and like so many areas I need to surrender to the only one who can save me, Jesus!
Thank you for this post and your so real and transparent heart!
Love,
Gina
darbyd says
I don’t like it either… and yes, it always comes back to Jesus and how much I need him every day. Thanks for commenting. 🙂
Rachel says
Oh wow, this absolutely struck a chord with me……….. This is me to a T. When you write it out like that, I see it SO clearly, I am so ashamed. I had a conversation which was kind of leading toward these lines with my husband this weekend, and I know that he realises this too. He is just so patient and gracious… WAY more than what I deserve!
I have read your blog a few times and I thank you for ministering in this way. I will be back 🙂
Blessings
darbyd says
I feel the same way about my husband being so patient and gracious. I know my husband sees it in me too! Thanks for visiting the blog. I look forward to continuing to connect. 🙂
Lisa says
I noticed this same thing in myself and have been working to change it. My husband deserves an award for his patience and love all these years of dealing with it.
darbyd says
That’s great that you’ve been working to change it… please give me any tips you have. 🙂
Sheila Kimball says
Dear Darby — you are a brave woman. And spot on. I can relate to some of what you write to my own shame. But as we confess our sins to one another we are HEALED and marriages are made better. We all can become the helper wives God has created us to be. Blessings to you, friend. Visiting from #MessyMarriage.
darbyd says
Thanks for visiting! Yes! Confession is so healthy… although quite painful too! Blessings back at you, Sheila!
Beth says
As I work on forgiveness (daily, I might add), I see so many times how I am expecting my offender or my spouse to own up to or do differently something that I am not willing to do. So, yes, double standards are unfortunately happening more than I realize! 😉 And your words are a good reminder to me, as well as being so vulnerable and convicting! You go, girl! Thanks for having the courage to “encourage” us to be hold ourselves to a higher standard!
darbyd says
Thanks for commenting, Beth. I always look forward to hearing from you. And I didn’t even think about how double standards affect/influence the forgiveness process, but you are so right!
Brittany at Equipping Godly Women says
I’m sure I do… although I think the double standard goes both ways. Sometimes I expect more of me, and sometimes I expect more of him.
darbyd says
It does go both ways! Thanks for commenting, Brittany and your recent blog article was very insightful… so appreciated reading it. Thanks. 🙂