“You’ve been looking again, haven’t you?”
Throughout our dinner conversation, my discontent with our house revealed itself. Drawing attention to our need for new kitchen appliances, referencing a desired paint color change and daydreaming about redesigning our back deck. Based on my conversation and countenance, Jason asked me if I had been looking again.
He was referring to houses that are for sale.
When I’m left uninterrupted with my phone, I will begin to browse houses that are on the market. I search the next city over for acreage and homes with enough bedrooms to fit our growing family of seven. As soon as I begin the search, discontentment trickles in. I dream about how nice it would be to live closer to our church, and suddenly I don’t like our location. I think about the possibility of a larger kitchen, and within minutes I dislike everything about my cabinets and counters. My mind travels down the rabbit trail as I click one house after another. Inevitably, I find my way to homes that are out of our price range, and those are the ones I deem a perfect fit for us. I set my heart on them and instantly, our home is no longer acceptable. As my mind races around my desire for a bigger house with better decor, I neglect to appreciate my home. My thoughts spill out in my attitudes and words, and my husband is aware enough to notice the tale-tell signs. “You’ve been looking again, haven’t you?”
House-hunting isn’t the only browsing I participate in that brings negative effects to my life.
I go through phases in our marriage where I become hyper-critical of my husband. I question his love. I accuse him of growing complacent in our marriage and continually ask him if he’s upset with me. During these spells, I often go to bed at night dissatisfied in every area of our relationship. I never knew the root of these funks, and while the timing of their appearance seemed to have no rhyme or reason, their presence is undeniable.
This past weekend, the Lord used our teaching pastor, Kyle Idleman, to shed some light on my dilemma. Kyle said,
“With the rise of social media, I think it is almost impossible to avoid the comparison trap. It’s like a form of pornography — staring at these airbrushed images of other people’s lives just make you feel insecure and discontent. It’s not real. It’s a facade, and I want us to be sure we recognize that we need to guard our hearts about some of this stuff. I’m not talking about this because I want to make (anyone) feel bad, I am talking about this because I want us to feel free from this.”
At first, I found myself pridefully agreeing with him. After all, I’ve been vocal about how destructive Facebook has been in my life and how it will be four years in October since I deleted my personal account. I nodded my head thinking, “Amen,” and I settled nicely into my chair as I inwardly boasted, “not me, not anymore!” As the sermon continued, the Holy Spirit began to remove my blinders and prick my heart with conviction.
“I don’t want (people) to feel the pressure of this every day. Where they go to bed at night, and the last thing they do is check their Instagram feed. As they fall asleep at night, they think about how wonderful everyone else’s life seems to be and how they will never quite measure up and all these other great experiences. It’s not healthy to give too much of our heads or hearts to those things. We are constantly looking at these mirages and facades, and then you start to compare and feel insecure and so what do you do? You put something up from your life, and then you get on, and you see the comments, ‘what’s everyone else saying?’ ‘How many likes do I have?’ And you look at the list of likers hoping the person you don’t really like would like your post. It’s all feeding this insecurity! If you are surrounding yourself constantly with idyllic images and identities that aren’t even real, you need to know it is dangerous.”
God revealed to me the link between the Jason-doesn’t-seem-invested-in-our-marriage attitude and my online activity.
Deleting Facebook was dealing with a source of my discontentment rather than my heart. So, not much has changed over the years except that I have new avenues to play the comparison game. I may not have access to the same people I once obsessed over, but now I read marriage blogs that discourage my heart. I run an internet search on names of people just to see what information I can find. I view an online gallery of a friend’s most recent photos, and all of a sudden I regret that Jason and I didn’t choose those same poses or use their photographer. Noting that her freckles aren’t showing, I assure myself that the photos are airbrushed. I make a mental list of all the reasons why the relationship of the happy couple I’m looking at doesn’t compare to the depth of my marriage.
The reverse is also true, I want to be the one with pictures people envy. I make every effort to portray perfection.
As my mind races around those outside of my home, I neglect to appreciate and invest in those living inside of my home. My thoughts spill out in my attitudes and words, and there is a need for me to become aware of the fact that these are tale-tell signs. I’ve been looking again.
An unproductive way in which I spend my time, that is even more dangerous than house hunting, is cyber-stalking!
Historically, it is true that the times I am sensitive and accuse Jason of not being as romantic as he used to are all times that my online activity is somehow focusing on comparing myself to others. The problem that I always assumed belonged to my husband is mine. I am lucky to have a husband who loves me despite my faults and whose commitment to our marriage is fierce. We have five beautiful children. We own a house that more than adequately provides for our needs. Why do I trade all of that in for the insecurity and discontentment that comes from comparisons?
I love that Pastor Idleman likened social media driven comparisons with pornography. I believe, based on my personal experiences, there is truth in his correlation. Jason and I have safeguarded our phones and computers from ever allowing access to pornography. Yet, my searches on Realtor.com or Instagram have the potential to wreak similar havoc. I’m the one robbing my family when I choose to look at materials that are fueled by fantasy and breed discontentment. It is those who are happy and faithful in our home that pay the price for my wandering eyes. My insecurities are fed on social media and deleting my accounts won’t fix my heart problem.
Scripture will.
I need God’s double-edged sword to break through the layers of insecurity and the habits of online activity.
If you do too, perhaps these verses will be motivation and encouragement to you!
When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. ~2 Corinthians 10:12
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. ~Galatians 1:10
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. ~Romans 12:2
Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. ~Philippians 2:3
You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s. ~Exodus 20:17
These people are grumblers and faultfinders; they follow their own evil desires; they boast about themselves and flatter others for their own advantage. ~ Jude 1:16
Are there any contentment-snatchers in your life might need some regulation?
You can listen to the entire sermon I mentioned above by clicking this link.
Here are other posts that I have written which feature Kyle Idleman’s books or sermons:
What People are Saying