I have always had a wild imagination. When Jason and I were dating, if he happened to be late for a date, I would jump to conclusions for the reason behind his tardiness.
Perhaps he was late because he stopped to get me flowers. Maybe this was the night he was going to propose and his late arrival was part of his master plan. He was in the midst of throwing me a surprise party and got caught up in a phone call.
When my boyfriend finally showed up and I realized none of the crazy scenarios I had concocted were accurate, I wrestled with disappointment (and sometimes anger). Sadly, not much has changed over the years, except that now it is my husband, not my boyfriend, who pays the price for my wild imagination. Here are some recent examples:
Over the holidays, I saw a commercial for a “right hand ring” from a jewelry store. It is was in the $2,000 price range. I made a passing comment about the ring and then committed, in my mind, Jason purchasing it for me. I didn’t bother with details such as the financial reality that we were (and still are) in the midst of a master bathroom remodel. On Christmas, I opened so many wonderful gifts from my husband, but a right hand ring was not one of them. I struggled to have a grateful heart when I received a necklace from a local department store’s jewelry section because of my fantasy over the ring.
My favorite store, Archivers, is going out of business (so sad) and they are selling everything in their stores. I asked my husband if I could buy one of their tables for my craft room. He went back and forth on the idea, but after two days he said it would be okay. I called the store and asked them if they had any tables left. The sweet lady responded, “We have one.” But then, as I was asking her the specific dimensions of the table, someone else called in and bought it. Disappointed, I hung up the phone, but my despondency was quickly replaced with excitement as I began to reason with myself that my husband had been the person who had just called in to purchase the table. Later, when I told my husband the tables were sold out, I waited for his response of, “Well, it is good thing I got one for you.” When it was clear that he had not purchased the table, I shared with him my daydream (heaping undo guilt onto his head).
My wild imagination can lead me to believe that my husband is the most romantic man alive; which sounds like a compliment, but honestly, it leaves him never measuring up. Often, he finds himself apologizing for not doing the grand gestures that I had dreamt in my false reality.
My mind can also take things in the opposite direction and I can assume the worst about my husband.
If my husband, who for our entire 9 year marriage has never given me a reason to doubt his faithfulness, receives a late night text, I can quickly assume the worst. My mind jumps to conclusions that have no business being in my thought life. Of course, I feel sheepish when I check his phone and it ends up being his sister who lives on the west coast or his dad sending out a late night Bible verse. Sadly, until the sender of the late-night text is verified, my mind wanders to where it should not go.
When my husband apologizes for something that took place only in my head… there is a problem… with me.
I unjustly punish Jason because of my own lack of self-control. Scripture tells us to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). Additionally, God’s Word encourages us to think only about that which is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). Truly, it is my husband who feels the impact of my disobedience.
As I contemplated this reality, I thought about Judas Iscariot, the disciple who betrayed Jesus. When Jesus first called him to be a apostle, Judas left everything behind to follow Jesus. How, during the course of living with Jesus, did he transform from a believer to a betrayer? Clearly, one way or another, he became disillusioned with Jesus. He saw, firsthand, many miracles performed by the Son of God, but could it be that Judas struggled a wild imagination?
When he first befriended the Messiah, did he cling to his own ideas of how Jesus Christ should conduct business? Perhaps the humble Jesus, who loved sinners, didn’t line up with Judas’ idea of a warrior king; the homeless lifestyle wasn’t exactly what he hand in mind. Did he stay awake and dream outrageous scenarios about how Jesus would overtake the Roman government? Perhaps Judas even hoped that Jesus would entrust him with a position of power…
I don’t know if my above assumptions about Judas is Biblically accurate, but it does make me pause to consider the cost of my wild imagination. Could it be, that if I don’t take ownership of my thoughts, I will ultimately grow disenchanted with my husband? Might I one day betray him because my thoughts led me astray?
I am not above the possibility!
I used to view my wild imagination as my own problem; something that leaves me wrestling with disappointment, but possess no further impact. Yet, the Lord is opening my eyes to just how destructive my thought life is. I punish my husband, hinder intimacy, and endanger our marriage when I allow my wild imagination to take over.
Brenda says
This is a huge struggle for me as well. Seems worse when hormones are fluctuating. Would appreciate any prayer for this issue. Look forward to reading suggestions on how to guard against this. Thanks!
darbyd says
So glad I’m not the only one. Yes, hormones can play a large role! I will certainly be praying for you! I, too, look forward to hearing other’s suggestions!
Lisa says
I’ve had a problem in this area as well. Right after I read your post, I read Jolene Engle’s The Alabaster Jar. She was listing Scriptures for marriage. This one jumped out at me: “For the fears, storms, insecurities, and the lies the Enemy speaks to me…
You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3
I absolutely love this verse! As a Christ-follower, I trust in the Lord. And when I focus on Him, I am filled with peace! It’s my go-to verse when I’m stricken by fear of the unknown or when that Liar keeps telling me lies. It’s a verse that I have to repeat to myself over and over again. It’s that constant reminder to keep my eyes and mind on Christ.”
I realize that some of our problems are not fears, but keeping our mind on Christ rather than ourselves seems to be the answer. I’ve found that asking God to alert me when my mind is going somewhere it shouldn’t and then re-directing my thoughts when He does, helps me develop new patterns.
darbyd says
Ah! Such wisdom! Thank you for sharing… and yes, that verse is perfect. What a refreshing concept, “Perfect Peace” — how I would love to remain in the place of perfect peace and I can if I would keep my mind on Him and not on my own agendas! Thank you!
Shoma says
I will love this… I too have this same struggle at times… My husband adores me but my past struggles try to come up and make me feel like my husband is an ex boyfriend… Thank you for the encouragement Darby
darbyd says
Yes! My husband is so patient with me, but sadly I don’t show him my appreciation like I should, but instead, use it as fuel in my imagination! Ugh! So glad you can relate! Will be praying for you!
Katherine says
Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.
I’m a big planner and I can get disappointed when things don’t go my way. Instead, I try to be focused in the present moment and trust God for happiness in future moments.
darbyd says
Thank you! Yes, I am a big planner too! I will certainly be taking your advice to heart. THANK YOU!!!
Joe Pote says
Popping over from Messy Marriage.
I enjoyed you’re post. Interesting to read a woman’s perspective on getting carried away with random imaginary scenarios.
Thanks for sharing!
darbyd says
Thank you, Joe! I also appreciated your “Waste of Divorce” article on Messy Marriage! I have a cousin who is coming out of an abusive marriage and your words for encouraging for her. (I thought I had replied to this comment earlier today, so sorry if this is a repeat reply!)
Cortnee Ingram says
Good morning! I wasn’t able to read this post until today and I must say no one has ever put into words what I have experienced my whole life! And of course now I do it with my husband. I am just now learning to change my expectations of him and myself. I literally cannot have any expectations anymore. I tell myself as soon as I start thinking about my time with him or whatever, usually on my way home, that God’s will is what I want regardless. It has been helping me lately a lot! I also think if we read the bible, listen to encouraging people, or worship during the times we are alone with our thoughts, it really helps!
Thank you for being open about this. I truly believe the more we bring into the light, the less chance for the devil to gain a foothold.
Press on – I will be praying for you as I remember my own struggles 🙂
Cortnee 🙂
darbyd says
Hi Cortnee! Thank you for taking the time to comment. Yes, I struggle with ridding myself of expectations too! It is just easier that way. I will certainly be taking your tips to heart and I appreciate your prayers in this matter. You have mine too! Thanks again!
Beth says
Wow, so profound in many parts of this post, Darby. I think imaginative, creative, even visual people tend to fall into this trap. I’m one of those types and have found myself getting way ahead of others–both in the good and the bad, like you’ve illustrated above. And yes, I do think it makes us more vulnerable to betraying our spouses on many levels. I also love, love, love that insight about Judas. No one knows for sure, but I bet you’ve hit on a temptation in his life that led Him far from the Savior. May that never be the case for those of us who struggle in this way. Great words, my friend. I’ll be sharing your post on Twitter!
darbyd says
Thank you for sharing on twitter and for your insightful comment. As always, thank you for the link up opportunity!
Tara L says
I also struggle with this imagination getting in the way of reality. I have to consciously think about whether I have expressed my hopes or expectations with my fiancé. If not, I try very hard to keep myself from holding him to the expectation that is unbeknownst to him. I hope we are able to improve in this area of our lives!
darbyd says
Yes! You said it perfectly. We are holding our husbands/fiancés to an expectation that is unbeknownst to him! That certainly isn’t fair and I wouldn’t appreciate it if he did that to me. I will pray for you as I pray for myself in this area! Darn our wild imaginations! ha. Thanks for commenting, my friend! Love you.
lorrie presnell says
Darby,
I have been reading your blog for quite some time. I believe you are my younger twin. Seriously, the things that you write about are as if you are me. I consistently fail in the same areas. My imagination, lies from the enemy, literally EVERYTHING you say could be coming from me. Please pray for me..as I will pray for you. It is incredibly consoling to see an amazing godly woman like you having the same issues. Lord Jesus help us! My husband sounds like your husband…kind, patient but he does not understand. I will vehemently defend myself and not listen to the Holy Spirit. I pray God will change me. Thank you!
darbyd says
Hi Lorrie! Glad we connected. I will be praying for you… and for myself. Yes, we need the help of our perfect Savior. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I do hope we stay in touch!
Mary Wood says
Wow! It’s somehow comforting to know we all struggle with this. I was worse early in my marriage (2-3 years in) but I’ve really mellowed out now that we are closing in on the 10 year mark. When my mind goes into the realm of crazy whim, I can now talk myself back down. My expectations are not necessarily reality. I live in reality, so I really need to LIVE in reality. Then I make my mind shift to all the reasons in reality why I love my husband and that usually does the trick.
melissa says
I’m reading through your posts and I feel like we are twins! At least in these situations.
darbyd says
Hi Melissa! Welcome to my blog. Glad you are looking around and that you can relate to my struggles!