Biblical Marriage Archives

Being a Grace-filled Wife

Posted on March 1, 2016 · 6 Comments

I gathered up all the children, loading them into the van because we could no longer postpone a grocery trip. As I was leaving, my husband asked if I could stop by the bank on the way home. When I agreed, he handed me an endorsed check to deposit. With a kiss goodbye, I dashed out the door, putting the check in my back jean pocket (my husband’s pet peeve). Between excitable children and crowded aisles, I became a woman on a mission to get our groceries in record time. As I was checking out, I decided to move the check from my jeans to my wallet, but reaching back I discovered my pockets were empty!

I raced back to the car, securing the children in the seat belts so that I could search every nook and cranny. No luck finding the check. I combed through my wallet and my pockets again if hopes I had missed it earlier, but came up empty handed. Finally, I took a deep breath, called my husband and meekly asked him if I had left it at home. I had not. Unbuckling the children, we all unloaded from the car and together combed through the store looking for a lost endorsed check. We never found it, and no one had turned it in.

I left the store in tears.

The fact that my careless mistake cost our family money was bothering me, but I was more embarrassed that I lost the check after putting it in my back pocket — something my husband is always encouraging me not to do. I doubted Jason would ever trust me with a check again! Preparing myself for the conversation we were about to have, I began role playing in my mind. I could already hear Jason telling me in his “paternal tone” why we have systems of putting money in our wallets and not our pockets.

One of the reasons I expected this lecture is because whenever Jason makes a mistake without heeding my advice, you better believe I find some way to point out that he should have listened to me. I excel at playing the I’m-right-you’re-wrong card, but I never appreciate when Jason plays the card on me. I needed to brace myself so I would receive it well because, after all, I did deserve it.

My husband came out to greet me as I pulled into the garage. When he saw my tears, he tenderly he gave me a hug and kiss saying, “Baby, it isn’t a big deal.” As soon as I walked inside, he said with excitement, “Look, I washed the floors for you!” Cleaning the floors is always on my to-do list yet is my very least favorite chore.

He not only forgave me but blessed me!

At that moment, I experienced grace lived out. Romans 5:8 defines grace beautifully, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” While my husband is not God, he does demonstrate a Christ-like love. I didn’t receive a correction, or an “I told you so” — even though that’s what I deserved. I didn’t come home to a man frustrated or disappointed – even though he had every right to be. There were no sharp words or cutting tones. When I made a mistake, my husband died to himself. And as he held me, letting me cry on his shoulder, I thought about Christ dying for my sins.

Jason’s beautiful demonstration challenges me to be more grace-filled towards him and my children. He created a safe environment for me to say, “I messed up.” He forgave and moved on while verbalizing and demonstrating his love and commitment. Jesus does that on a daily basis for each one of us. I need to tap into his divine love so that a similar attitude will be a natural overflow into my earthly relationships.

I want to become a grace-filled wife!

I want to be a wife whose husband has no fear or hesitation confessing anything from big sins to small mistakes. To be that woman, I must make some changes so that I no longer hold grudges, bring up the past, or belittle him. I want to greet his victories and defeats with grace! The same grace Christ so willingly offers me on an hourly basis.

Being stingy with grace hurts our marriage and my relationship with Christ.

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What tips do you have for being a grace-filled wife?

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Filed Under: attitude, Biblical Marriage, Christ, grace Tagged With: Devotional

Healing Love

Posted on February 9, 2016 · 4 Comments

In the book of Ruth, we read about a wonderful man named Boaz whose life foreshadows the coming of Christ. He was a kind, godly man whose sacrificial love redeems Ruth from her painful past and her bleak future. God used his healing love to mend the brokenness not only in Ruth but her mother-in-law as well.

I relate to the love story of Ruth and Boaz because God blessed me with a Boaz of my own. Jason’s love offers healing. While the pains of my past are different from those of Ruth, they have nonetheless been hurtful to carry.

Through my husband’s love, God is healing old wounds.

For example, growing up, I was regularly called fat and unattractive by a family member. Those words ring loudly, often drowning out God’s descriptions of my appearance found in Scripture:

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. ~Psalm 139:14

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. ~1 Peter 3:3-4

Listen, daughter, and pay careful attention: forget your people and your father’s house. Let the king be enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord. ~Psalm 45:10-11

In the early years of our marriage, Jason would compliment my physical appearance, but I doubted he felt that way. His words stood in opposition to my internal dialogue. Seeing my struggle, he began increasing his words of approval, focusing on his and God’s opinions. As the years (and kids) have changed my body, his words continue only to speak the praise of my appearance. When I make a discouraging comment or linger in front of the mirror, he never hesitates to tell me I look beautiful. Jason chooses to say specific and intentional words of healing, and now eleven years into our marriage, I am beginning to hear his voice echo in my head rather than the voices of the past.

God is using my husband’s healing love to release me from long-standing sin struggles.

My entire life I have been a people pleaser, and while that is part of my personality, I have made the approval of others a god in my life. I stress out trying to make everyone happy and living up to what I assume is the expectations of others. Jason gets a front row seat at my insecurities and watches me fret over big and small decisions. He gently reminds to focus less the opinions of others and more on the truths of God, and he is quick to encourage me when he sees me minimizing the influence of other’s. This life-long struggle is not easy to break free from, but with the constant cheering (and, when needed, challenging) from my husband, I’m making daily steps in the right direction.

The love of my husband is healing deep-seeded misconceptions I believe about God!

Since accepting Christ as a sixteen-year-old girl I knew God loved me, but I assumed His love was given or withheld based upon my actions. The concept seemed too good to be true to someone who had never truly experienced unconditional love. However, Jason’s unconditional love for me often leaves me speechless. He doesn’t base his love on my ability to live up to a certain standard. He doesn’t demand perfection or withdraw when I fail. He loves without wavering, and being on the receiving end of that love leaves me daily experiencing a flood of indescribable acceptance, gratitude, and freedom.

As I’ve come to accept that Jason’s approval of me doesn’t depend on my actions, I’m opening up to the idea that God loves without condition. In fact, Jason can only love me like that because of God’s love, leading me to realize the Lord’s love is purer and richer than anything my husband can offer. Truly it is God’s love that I experience washing over me like a flood, but I’m grateful he chose to expose me to the realities of that love through my husband.

God, in His incredible goodness and perfect wisdom, has blessed me with a husband whose love is very healing just as he did Ruth. And for years, I have been grateful to accept the therapeutic love my husband offers. Lately, however, God has been prodding my heart with the idea that I’m not intended to be only on the receiving side. It’s a two-way street, and God wants to heal some of Jason’s wounds through my love.

All of us have hurts, but God in his goodness desires to use our marriages to offer both parties healing, hope, and truth.

In 1982, the year I was born, Jason’s parents divorced. I wasn’t there to see the effects it had on his little spirit, but I live daily with the lingering wounds. The path his parents chose almost thirty-four years ago still impacts him to this day. And while I can see evidence of the good the Lord brought from this pain, that doesn’t negate the insecurities and fears still wrestling within him. He has vividly described to me his security shattering at the moment they separated, and he confesses that he has never fully gotten it back. He has said that his struggle to be vulnerable is linked back the survival mode he had to adapt as a six-year-old boy. And while I can’t “right the wrong” so to speak, God is showing me that through my love, he can offer Jason the security of a lifelong marriage. The Lord wants to restore the years the locust have eaten, and he desires to use me as part of that task!

Isn’t it beautiful to think that if we are choosing to love our spouse in the way God intends, we will be a proxy of God’s healing love!

God, through my love, can bring healing to my husband.

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How might God want to use your love to bring healing to your husband?

****Sharing this article with the Grace and Truth Linkup at Arabahjoy.com.

Filed Under: Biblical Marriage, healing, lessons, love, the past, wounds Tagged With: Devotional

Three Clicks Away

Posted on October 30, 2015 · 2 Comments

Pornography is never more than three clicks away.

I recently heard that frightening statistic! Research proves that when on your computer or phone, pornography lingers close. That would explain why many innocent children who are searching for harmless jokes or Frozen characters stumble upon pornography. It’s sad, sickening, and a reality that we cannot ignore.

I would surmise, however, that on social media inappropriate content is much closer than simply three clicks.

Recently a friend posted a photo of her special needs child on Instagram with a hashtag of her child’s disease. Knowing she placed it there to bring about awareness, I clicked the hashtag to see other’s who might struggle with this same issue. Someone posted a photo of a baby with the condition along with a derogatory comment. Finding it hard to believe anyone would post such an insensitive picture, I clicked on the person’s profile. Big mistake! Their page was full of disturbing photos — many of which included nude bodies. My eyes lingered no more than 2 seconds, but I was physically disturbed and disgusted by what I had seen. I was even more concerned that, despite my phone being set to “limit adult content” those images were visible. What if my children had been sitting next to me? Or my husband? Yes, the fault was mine for clicking, but it was confirmation that dangerous content is close.

I feel called to focus this week’s writings on social media. A few days ago, I wrote about social media accountability from the perspective of my weaknesses: vanity, pride, people pleasing, and comparisons. Today, however, I am branching out and sharing words of caution about some of the temptations that can wreak havoc on our marriages that are merely a click away.

It seems that even with filters present, social media provides loopholes that allow pornography to be easily accessed or viewed. Social media also can provide temptation for your mind to wander about a person other than your spouse, even if there isn’t anything inappropriate in their profile. Here are just a few of the ways we need to exercise discernment and awareness when it comes to social media:

Someone else’s profile - You can be careful about the things you post, but you have no control over what other’s that you follow will post. Perhaps a friend from work with different morals posts an inappropriate picture or links to a raunchy video. The reality that no one can control what stories shows up in their newsfeed is important to keep in mind when considering family safety. Inappropriate material aside, being friends/following countless people, leaves opportunities for your mind to wander and provides many opportunities to “unintentionally” hide things from your spouse. To my knowledge, except for browsing the history on your computer, there is not a record of whose profile you view. Having passwords to each other’s accounts is good, but it doesn’t always tell the whole story which is something to keep in mind.
Suggested or Sponsored Pages - Almost all of the major social media outlets suggest pages or run sponsored ads. Coming from someone who has occasionally sponsored content, I understand why these ads appear. Again, however, there is a level of uncertainty that comes with realizing no one is in complete control of the content visible on social media.
Hashtags - Hashtags can be fun, but they can also be dangerous. They allow easy access to find things inappropriate (even on Pinterest!) or, as my story above, bring profiles into eyesight that would otherwise not be seen.
People Who Want to Promote Pornography - there are those who try to lure you to their website by promoting and sharing pornography through social media. I have had followers on Twitter and Instagram that I immediately had to block. Some spammers try to hack accounts to leave rabbit trails. And, sadly, there are people who post inappropriate pictures of themselves and tag the photo with a trending hashtag. I remember clicking a hashtag about remembering the 90s, and as I was enjoying some of the throwbacks… all of a sudden, there was a penis on my screen.

The ease of being able to search and find unholy images concerns me, but so does the volatile nature of social media. It is always changing, and people are coming up with new ways to push their content through. It is impossible for filters to be our only line of defense.

Please hear me out, I’m not saying we should throw our computers out the window and revert to Zack Morris type cell phones (I hope I didn’t date myself with that example). Social media has its benefits. Positive and encouraging messages exist throughout social media, and I desire my pages to be beneficial and uplifting. Even though good and holy content is in abundance, we cannot ignore the threat to our marriages and children that lies in wait behind a simple click. We must be aware and on-guard for the sake of our marriages and children! We must have vulnerable, grace-filled conversations regularly with our spouse to help keep these threats at bay. Remember, it is not our husband’s (or our own) carnal nature that is the problem, nor is it social media or technology’s fault. The Devil wants to kill, steal, and destroy. He roams around like a hungry lion looking for someone to devour. This, as with many things, is a spiritual problem. Being mindful, proactive, and prayerful as we trust in the One True God is the best defense we have.

How to do you safeguard your social media activities?

Filed Under: Biblical Marriage, controversial, Uncategorized Tagged With: Devotional

Submission Smorgasbord

Posted on March 31, 2015 · 7 Comments

We recently started feeding our youngest child, Hezekiah, baby food (where did the time go?!). At the end of every meal, remnants of whatever pureed delicacy I made for him are on his lips, in his hair, in the folds of his neck, and all over his clothes. Perhaps it is my personality or maybe just the effect of having five children, but stains on clothes don’t bother me. I also reason that since we have cloth bibs, either I can do laundry with just dirty clothes or I’ll have to double the laundry size by adding in soiled bibs.

After a couple feedings, my husband kindly asked me if I would make sure to put a bib on Hezekiah every time I feed him in order to preserve his clothes. I respected his wishes, at first, simply because he was present at dinnertime, but when he would go to work, I never found myself putting a bib on our baby. I wish I could say I had forgotten about his request, but the truth is that I had an internal conversation with myself about what I should do. With Hezekiah’s baby food and a spoon in my hands, I walked directly past the drawer where we store the bibs. I paused for a second and thought,

Do I really need to put a bib on him? Jason isn’t home, and I’m the one doing all the laundry. Would he even notice?

At that moment the Lord spoke clearly to me the phrase “Submission in the small things.”

Submission in the Small Things

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My (unbiblical) view of submission is more like a smorgasbord from which I pick and choose: I’ll submit to this but not to that. But if I’m not honoring my husband in small matters, what would spur me to submit to him in significant ones? When he makes a decision, as long as it doesn’t go against the Lord, I have a scriptural duty to support him.

Without hesitation.

Without weighing all my options.

Without pausing to have an internal conversation with myself.

I believe the very moment I wondered if I should grab the bib, I stopped submitting. A wife’s submissive heart does not pause to consider all her options or wonder if she can get away with not getting caught. I realize that what I’m talking about here is a bib—a bib! But as “harmless” as a bib is, this example is a clear indication that I need to improve the principle and practice of submission in my life. My desire to cut corners when it comes to submitting to my husband is a fatal flaw. If my heart wants to go against my husband in matters this minuscule, then clearly I have a lot of heart work to do!

If I can’t be trusted to submit in the insignificant, everyday things, how can I be trusted to submit in the big decisions?

Do you submit to your husband in the small things?

Linking up with Messy Marriage.

Filed Under: Biblical Marriage, marriage Tagged With: Devotional

Preventing Infidelity {Part 2}

Posted on February 9, 2015 · 7 Comments

Today’s post is the second in a series on preventing infidelity. To read Part 1, click here.

The boundaries I outlined last week are wonderful at helping to prevent infidelity, but by themselves, they don’t offer complete protection. Sure, they help limit opportunities for adultery to take place, but they do little to prevent the original desire for an affair. That is why the second commitment my husband and I are making to prevent infidelity is to cultivate a vibrant love relationship with the Lord, first, and with each other, second. Boundaries in marriage will feel restrictive when not accompanied by a healthy relationship. That is what makes today’s article so life-giving. It completes the circle, leaves no holes in the firewall, so to speak, and is fun!

1. Our Relationship With God

If my husband and I are both seeking the Lord individually, each and every day, we will be better equipped to fight temptation with Scripture and flee from lustful thoughts, discontentment, or sexual immorality. If we are sensitive to the convictions of the Holy Spirit, we will not be able to excuse or rationalize any emotional or physical affair. This caliber of spiritual maturity doesn’t happen overnight and cannot be achieved simply by attending church. Knowing the heart of the Father can only be accomplished by spending time with him by reading the Bible, praying, and listening. Coming to him just to seek and find and not to fulfill an agenda or wish list is important. Over time, our thoughts and actions will become more like his. The closer we grow toward God, the further we push away from the possibility of an affair. Walking intimately with him is the foundation of affair-proofing our marriage.

2. Our Relationship With Each Other

In addition to nurturing and growing in our relationship with God, my husband and I will do the same with each other. If we spend our time and emotional energy focusing on each other, then affairs will be far less tempting. Continuing to pursue the other and choosing not to let life and time steal our romance can be difficult to achieve in this demanding world. To be successful, Jason and I have agreed that we will date with regularity, frequently have exciting sex, and continue to build the friendship in which our relationship began. Other things on our daily agenda are laughing or crying together, sharing our strengths and weaknesses, supporting and cheering for each other, and being kind and considerate in a cold and cruel world. Dealing with conflicts completely and promptly is necessary in order to prevent bitterness from taking root. While marriage doesn’t complete us or define us, it is the second obligation in this world for those of us who are married (after our relationship with God), and prioritizing its success will benefit the health and faithfulness of our vows. If I’m fully focused on romancing, encouraging, and joyfully forgiving the man I married, I will have no room in my heart or my bed for another man.

The scary truth is that even if I have the proper boundaries, walk closely with the Lord, and romance my husband, my marriage is not immune from infidelity. None of us—or our marriages—are. I must worship God alone and not a successful marriage. My hope is in Christ and not in my husband or his faithfulness.

If you are reading this, you are only one half of the equation. Establishing strong boundaries and building a strong relationship with the Lord and your spouse are great starting points to keep unfaithfulness at bay, but it takes both parties cooperating to make these steps successful! If your husband is not on board to affair-proof your marriage, I want to encourage you to choose to live by the standards you want for both of you. Your husband’s actions and attitudes do not have to affect your commitment to proactively keeping yourself from temptation in this department. You don’t have to wait for him to come around to make sure you are covering all of your bases.

As a personal disclaimer, if you are living through the effects of an affair, please know that I am deeply sorry. I don’t have much wisdom to offer on my own, but I will pray for you and would love to suggest this article from my friend Sheila Wray Gregoire: “Discovering Your Husband is Having An Affair: Your Next Steps.”

I opened this series with a description of a couple that could be any one of us. I want to close with a story of a couple whose outcome was different. This is how I want my marriage described:

Once upon a time there was a young bride who married the handsome man of her dreams. So much potential was ahead of these two, and their future seemed brighter than the sun. As the test of time began breaking other marriages apart, their love seemed only to increase. They stayed strong by fiercely following the Lord and passionately pursuing each other. It took a lot of sacrifices, hard work, selflessness, creativity, accountability, and grace, but infidelity never entered into their sacred vows, their relationship thrived, and their marriage glorified God.

What other advice would you add when it comes to preventing infidelity?

Filed Under: Biblical Marriage, commitment, controversial, faith, healing, lessons, love life, marriage, restoration, romance, tips Tagged With: Devotional

Preventing Infidelity {Part 1}

Posted on February 3, 2015 · 6 Comments

Once upon a time there was a young bride who married the handsome man of her dreams. So much potential was ahead of these two, and their future seemed brighter than the sun. As the test of time began breaking other marriages apart, their love seemed only to increase. They stayed strong . . . for a while. But then it happened. Infidelity entered into their sacred vows, and their world shattered.

Preventing Infidelity

While that story doesn’t specifically refer to anyone, the sad truth is that synopsis can describe too many marriages today. Over the course of our decade-long marriage, Jason and I have had seasons where divorce seemed rampant among our friends. Since the start of 2015, we have found ourselves in that same sad season again. We used to boast pridefully, “That will never happen to us.” Now we find ourselves humbly asking, “How can we make sure that never happens to us?” My heart has been heavy and my spirit burdened by all that is going on around us. However, Jason and I have used this time to check in on our areas of weakness and to reaffirm our commitment to each other. After many discussions, we identified two main avenues through which we can prevent infidelity from creeping into our marriage. I’ll share one of these methods in this post and the other in a post that will be published next week. Please know that I am putting these commitments online to serve as accountability for my husband and me, first and foremost, and not to tell you how you need to do things in your marriage!

Unfaithfulness is hard to combat without a clear definition. We believe that one’s heart, mind, and body should remain faithful to his or her spouse—that goes beyond the dictionary’s interpretation. So before I share anything else with you, I want to make known what our philosophy is.

The Oxford Dictionary’s definition of infidelity: The action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner.¹

The Duggers’ definition: The action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse by desiring someone else, real or imagined, in any physical, emotional, or psychological way.

While I prefer to believe that I will never cheat on Jason, the truth is, I’m a sinful human with a wayward heart. Compromise can quickly set in, and temptations abound around every corner. Poor choices can quickly lead me down a very dangerous road. As the old saying goes, “Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay.” Realizing my vulnerability is a huge first step in prevention, because it makes me see my need to enforce strict boundaries, which limits temptations.

**The following points fall under the category of our first method of prevention—boundaries.**

1. Preventing Physical Affairs

To prevent a physical affair, Jason and I have agreed that we will not spend time alone with a member of the opposite sex. Even public places, such as the cafeteria at my husband’s work or the cafe in the lobby of our church, do not qualify as a suitable atmosphere to meet one-on-one. We won’t carpool, hang out, or catch up with a friend who is a different gender. There will be no grabbing a bite to eat or closed-door conferences. We realize that client meetings or other career-specific exceptions might occasionally pop up, so we have agreed that the other person will know about these up front. While we haven’t always been so strict with these physical boundaries, over the last year I have come to believe so strongly in their benefits that breaking one of them would be considered betrayal, even if nothing physical were to happen.

2. Preventing Emotional Affairs

Since physical affairs rarely happen without some level of emotional compromise, boundaries must be implemented to keep our emotions in check. Authentic communication with my husband and an accountability partner is necessary in order to regulate my emotional boundaries. Unless I confess it, no one will know about the butterflies in my stomach that might come from another man’s attention. Because of this, I find I have to be honest with others and myself as early as possible. When I begin to find someone we know increasingly comical, or my respect for him grows, it is important to communicate that early so I don’t linger there in my thoughts.

A significant part of emotional fidelity is refusing to foster friendships with members of the opposite sex. Of course, Jason and I have members of the opposite sex that we consider friends, but we are clear that we won’t communicate privately or regularly with any of them. I abused these boundaries when I was active on social media and now (years later), I consider it a blessing to be Facebook-less rather than living with guilt of having deleted messages. In a world where family landlines are being replaced by individual cell phones and correspondence is sent to personal e-mail addresses, we want to make sure that we are still accountable to each other for all of our incoming and outgoing communications. Covering up the evidence of socializing is a baby step toward an affair, so we have decided it is best not to allow those behaviors into our marriage.

3. Preventing Fantasy Affairs

I realize that not every couple believes that pornography or erotica is wrong. Jason and I, however, believe that Scripture is clear that lustful, fantasy-fueled thoughts don’t glorify God, and we’ve seen the how this marketed “pleasure provider” actually brings about destruction and heartache. We want to honor each other in everything, including what we read and watch. We have worked hard to pornography-proof our computers and phones. At first I considered these boundaries to be for our children, but as I’ve matured, I’ve realized that they are equally as beneficial to us. No one is above temptation in this area, and we’re better off being proactively protective! For filters on home computers, I recommend Safe Eyes or Covenant Eyes. While I don’t know specifics about other smart phones, I created this printable checklist that details how to limit access to adult content on iPhones.

My husband and I put these intentional boundaries in place to help us remain faithful to the vows we made to God and each other. Perhaps our boundaries seem restrictive or ridiculous to you, but we are experiencing freedom and confidence knowing that we are stopping infidelity before it starts!

Strong, healthy boundaries are only half of the equation. Don’t miss part two of this post where I share the second part of our prevention plan {Click here to read it}.

Do you believe in affair-proofing your marriage? What boundaries do you have in place?

¹ Infidelity. Oxford Dictionaries. Oxford University Press. http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/infidelity (accessed February 03, 2015).

Filed Under: Biblical Marriage, controversial, lessons, marriage, tips, truth, Uncategorized Tagged With: Devotional

A Perfect Marriage

Posted on January 13, 2015 · 8 Comments

Can I introduce you to some friends of mine?

Here is the Stock family! Aren’t the gorgeous? Their story is classic: Miss Beautiful married Mr. Handsome, and together they made some adorable offspring. This family has it all together: their love story and their marriage is perfect!

Now, let me share a secret with you about the Stock family!

They aren’t real. I found this picture when I ran an internet search for “stock family photos.” My guess is that these people are unrelated models.

We all have a real-life Stock family that we know, don’t we? A couple we imagine to have it all and whose marriage has never experienced any real challenges. Despite our efforts to be friends with them, we ultimately struggle with jealousy and insecurity as we compare our marriage to theirs. Now, let me share another secret with you:

There are no perfect marriages!

It sounds trite, but it is true! No couple has a perfect marriage!! I don’t say this to be discouraging, but rather encouraging. Freedom is ushered in when we embrace the truth that no one, not even God, asks us to have a flawless marriage. Every married couple, since Adam and Eve, has had to jump over hurdles and navigate through life’s hurricanes.

Why then, do I feel compelled to pretend that I am in a perfect marriage?

I have an inner longing to be Miss Beautiful, who married Mr. Handsome, and together made adorable offspring. I yearn greatly to be a part of a perfect marriage, but that leaves me feeling embarrassed about our imperfections. I have mastered the “we-have-a-perfect-marriage” mask which keeps our struggles hidden from others. I have bought into the lie that there are perfect couples and that no one would understand our issues.

Those traps are placed by Satan.

Satan does not want us in authentic community with others because he knows that isolation and secrecy breed sin. One doesn’t go from A to Z. They go from A to B, to C, to D and so forth until they reach Z! In my life, I have dabbled in B’s, C’s, and D’s and I continue down the road of poor choices and sin until someone finds out! That is why the Devil wants us to feel alone in our struggles! He wants us to be so ashamed of our thoughts and actions that one day we will find ourselves alone at Z (that place we swore we would never get to) without ever having alerted anyone to our small, seemingly insignificant compromises and struggles along the way.

It works the same way in marriage!

I must become comfortable reaching out when things are going from A to B or even B to C in my relationship with my husband. There is a Restoration Committee at our church whose sole purpose is to restore individuals in the church who have found themselves in very messy situations. I heard a man on that committee once say, “by the time we get the call, it is usually too late to help.” I never want to get to that point in our marriage, but yet if I hesitate to share our simple problems, how will I reach out for help during the truly trying times? For me, the ability to ask for help starts by embracing the fact that there are no perfect marriages!

Disclaimer: there are right ways and wrong ways to share your struggles. It is never appropriate to belittle your husband or speak disrespectfully of him or your situation. It is honorable to share your struggles quietly with the hopes of receiving wisdom and encouragement. Likewise, there are safe people and unsafe people when it comes to being authentic. You want to avoid friends who gossip or offer worldly advice. Ideally you are looking for a counselor or close friend who will hold you to Biblical standards, offers a different perspective, and encourage you to focus on how you can grow as a spouse.

Recently in my life several marriages have crumbled to the ground. Friends, family, and neighbors are in the midst of divorces, and I feel blindsided because I never knew these couples were struggling! I feel hurt that no one reached out and asked for prayers or support before their marriages reached the breaking point. But, reality is that I too wrestle with putting on a show when it comes it my relationship with my husband. I want to be seen as a Stock family whose marriage is perfect, but fake perfection doesn’t help anyone. I need godly friends who I can enlist to be my prayer warriors and advice givers on a daily basis. I need to remove my mask and talk about my bad attitude or my wrong doings with a teachable and humble spirit. If I can learn to approach them in the small, daily bumps in our marriage, then I will have created for myself a safety net of people I can count on when significant issues arise. Having a support system in place will (hopefully) prevent our marriage from ever getting to Z!

What good is a community if there is no authenticity? What good is authenticity if there is no community? Authentic community strengthens marriages!

Do you ever struggle with wanting to be a Stock family?

Sharing with Wedded Wednesday.

Filed Under: Biblical Marriage, communication., lessons, marriage, restoration, truth, Uncategorized Tagged With: Devotional

Lessons from Mary

Posted on December 22, 2014 · Leave a Comment

This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”).

When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.

~Matthew 1:18–25 (NIV, emphasis mine)

I ponder this stage of Mary and Joseph’s relationship whenever I read the Christmas story.

The Scriptures highlight that Joseph had made up his mind to end his engagement with Mary until an angel came to him in a dream. When he woke up, he married Mary just as the Lord commanded. I have written before about how I struggle not to be the Holy Spirit in my husband’s life. While this passage doesn’t say how Mary handled the situation, I couldn’t help but mentally play out how she might have reacted to Joseph’s initial plan to leave her.

Did she take the “Darby route” where she (inappropriately and disrespectfully) cried and pleaded with Joseph about God’s will? Did she experience an enormous amount of pressure as she assumed she was called to be Joseph’s conscience? Did she grow frustrated at him, calling into question his faith, for not believing her words?
Or did she take a more mature route that included trusting God to take care of all of her needs long before she ever brought up the topic to Joseph? Did she leave the task of changing his mind in the hands of the Lord rather than assuming sole responsibility? Did she love him despite his disbelief? Did she celebrate his change of heart rather than becoming bitter that it took an angel to convince him of the truth of her story?

I am only speculating about how Mary might have handled the situation. She, like all of us, was a sinner in need of a Savior, so perhaps she had her moments of doubt, grief, and anger. But the Bible highlights her faith and calls her “highly favored.” If she trusted the Lord with a virgin birth, then maybe she always believed God would change Joseph’s heart at just the right time.

What a great lesson for every wife!

What would happen if we would trust the Lord to communicate with our husbands? Instead of fretting over their beliefs and convictions (or lack thereof), we can love, pray, and trust. Though I often struggle to put it into practice, it really is as simple as that. The Lord raised Jesus from the dead, so we should take to heart Luke 1:37, which says, “For nothing is impossible with God” (NLT).

Let’s be wives to our husbands rather than their conscience!

Filed Under: Biblical Marriage, Christmas, holidays, lessons, Scripture, Uncategorized Tagged With: Devotional

Give me Grace with Him.

Posted on June 30, 2014 · 6 Comments

But He gives us more grace. - James 4:6

My children (who look so perfect in the picture above) have been in rare form lately. For the past two weeks, they have been incredibly hyper! I have noticed it, my husband has noticed it, and even our babysitter has noticed it. At first, we weren’t sure where this sudden burst of energy was coming from - perhaps lack of quality family time or the excess heat which has trapped us indoors for a couple of days? Despite our efforts to pinpoint, and rectify, why my children have been exceedingly loud and rambunctious… nothing has proven successful.

If this is the start of a new phase, I’m not sure there is enough diet coke in the word to give me the energy I will need to keep up with the little ones!

After breaking up yet another fight between two of my children, I found myself with very little patience. I took a deep breath, went into the other room, and simply prayed,

“Lord, give me grace with them.”

He did, but then He also made me aware that I have never prayed that when dealing with my husband.

While it is rarely easy, I do strive to be a gentle mommy. I am extremely sensitive about my attitude, actions, and facial expressions as a mother because of some hurts from my own childhood that I refuse to pass down to my children. I have a deep (and somewhat idealistic) desire to show my children the grace, patience, and love of Christ. Yet, I don’t have that same passion and conviction when it comes to my husband.

In the midst of my hurt feelings, frustration, annoyance, and anger, I have never prayed, “Lord give me grace with my him.” That should be the first response to the stressful moments in marriage! In fact, each morning I should say that prayer, no matter how I feel, because I can always use more grace!

While I do want to show my children the love of Jesus; I also want to show my husband the faithful, patient, gracious, and forgiving love that is so uniquely Christ.

How do you intentionally show the love of Jesus to your husband?

Linking with: Wedded Wednesday and Motivation Monday.

Filed Under: attitude, Biblical Marriage, God, grace, lessons, marriage Tagged With: Devotional

Miracles

Posted on June 4, 2014 · 4 Comments

What would you classify as a miracle?

Last night, long after my four children had gone to sleep, I laid awake in bed feeling our next baby move all around my womb. I began thinking about what a gift life is! After years of infertility followed by grieving the loss of three children (two via miscarriage and one in the form of a failed adoption), there was a time in my life when I never knew if I would be able to conceive or carry a child. The gift of life, to me, is certainly a miracle that I don’t take for granted. It was in that awe-struck moment when I felt the Lord impress upon my heart the truth that,

Marriage is a Miracle!

I am not just talking about the marriages that get restored: the prodigal spouse who comes to seek forgiveness after years in a far country. Nor do I exclusively mean those couples who stay happily married for decades, but rather every single marriage is a miracle!!

Miraculous Concept:

Marriage is an institution created by the Lord Himself. Within the first three chapters of the Bible, we read of the first marriage ceremony ever performed. God’s Word ends the same way: describing a marriage ceremony that will one day take place between Christ and us, His people. Clearly, marriage is more than just two people vowing to love each other. It is a life-long covenant that is a foreshadowing of what is to come. Marriage isn’t man-made, human regulated, or culturally defined. It was birthed in the mind of God, long before the creation of the world because He knew that we would one day need a Savior. He knew of the upcoming wedding feast long before the fall of man ever happened. Talk about a miracle!! I love how Timothy Keller describes this phenomenon in the introduction of his book The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God,

Marriage was designed to be a reflection of the saving love of God for us in Jesus Christ. That is why the gospel helps us to understand marriage and marriage helps us to understand the gospel.

Miraculous Intimacy:

Marriage is a gift of intimacy, both emotionally and physically. To know one person completely, and have them know you in return, is a rare gift which is the cause for a great celebration. The closeness that develops through authentic and frequent communication is unmistakable. The physical act of intercourse is truly amazing! At that moment, two truly become one!

Miraculous Mechanics:

The concept of marriage and the intimacy provided by marriage aren’t the only miracles to discuss. Daily life provides ample opportunity for the Lord to work miracles in the hearts of his children. Two sinners living and functioning under one roof for a lifetime is baffling to me. I believe that one cannot be married and remain unchanged! If I would choose to change for the better, what miracles might I experience?!

If I spent each day asking the Lord to make me aware of my own sin struggles, selfishness, and shortcoming…
If I asked Him to demolish my pride and replace it with a heart that truly put my husband first…
If I was open to His promptings to love, respect, and submit to my husband even when I don’t think my husband is deserving….
I would grasp the truth that marriage is a miracle because of the changes in would bring about in my own life.

Miraculous Marriage:

Just a moment ago, I kissed my son and told him how much I loved him. It is true; my love for my children is an amazing force which I can’t describe except to say that it points me to the Lord. Four years ago my dad was given a very bad prognosis for his cancer. Today, he is completely cancer free. God certainly still heals physical ailments, and for that, I praise Him all the more. The awe-filled silence I have before my Creator when standing at the edge of a beach, in the valley of a mighty mountain, or when I am in the presence of something magnificent… is a far cry from the grumbles, complaints, and selfishness I demonstrate within my marriage. I have never grasped, until now, that marriage is a miracle.

Now that I know this truth, how will it change my day-to-day life? My thoughts? My attitudes? My relationship with the Lord and my husband?

Do you believe that a marriage is a miracle? I would love to hear your miraculous stories!!!

Joining with: Whimsical Wednesday

Filed Under: appreciation., attitude, Biblical Marriage, choice, Christ, commitment, communication., daily grind, encouragment, God, good things, grateful heart, healing, Husbands, Jesus, lessons, marriage, miracles, the best things, tips, truth Tagged With: Devotional